Time and Again
by Rivermoon1970
Summary: Spencer Reid suffers a deep personal loss and through it he examines his relationship with Aaron Hotchner over the years. Hotch/Reid slash, smut with plot. Hurt/Comfort, love story told through the episodes of Criminal Minds. WARNING: Major Character Death. Future and past fic.
1. The First Time

**The First Time**

_Now_

The funeral was over and Dr. Spencer Reid stood in the middle of his living room unable to move, to speak, to feel. This was the day it all became real. This was the day it finally hit him that Aaron was never going to walk through that door again, he'd never hold him again, or kiss him or make love to him. This was the day his world finally shattered, when he finally let in the pain, the grief and the sadness. He wanted to yell, to scream, to break things, to hit someone, but he didn't. He was paralyzed. It wasn't until Jack came up to him and pulled him into a hug that Spencer finally broke. His grief was palpable, a living breathing being and he felt he was being swallowed up by it. He pulled the boy in close not knowing what else to do.

"Papa, papa I miss him too," Is all Jack said. Jack had inherited his father's stoic nature. He had grown into a young man of little words, but when he spoke it was always with meaning.

Just then the doorbell rang. They didn't know who it could be, the Hotchner family had asked for privacy and even though Spencer's team at the FBI wanted to comfort him they also knew there really was nothing they could do. So, for now at least, they respected Spencer and Jack's wishes. Jack pulled away from Spencer and the man collapsed on the floor. Head hanging down, he was starting to retreat into himself. The old craving returned, something he hadn't felt in years, but now, today it was there and it was strong. Spencer wanted to forget, but with an eidetic memory it was almost impossible. He remembered every word, every touch, every conversation he ever had with Section Chief Aaron Hotchner and it made the pain worse.

Spencer felt someone kneel next to him. He looked up and saw his old mentor, Jason Gideon sit next to him. Of course he would be the only one to ignore their wishes. Spencer looked at him seeing, but not seeing him at the same time. His grief made him blind he only saw what he wanted to see.

"Spencer, Spencer get-up, come on," Jason put his arm around the younger man's shoulder and pulled him up, guiding him to the couch. "Spencer, I know. I know what you're going through but you have to get through this Spencer. For Jack, for Sasha, you can't fall apart Spencer".

Spencer slowly turned his head and looked at Jason with a haunted expression and it broke Jason's heart.

"Spencer, talk to me".

"I can't do it Jason, I can't, I'm tired. Tired of trying to be strong, tired of losing everyone…."

"Spencer, you have people who are still here, people who love you who will be there for you. You have Jack and what about Sasha? She's scared, she needs you".

Spencer knew he was right, but it was difficult he was floating in this in-between state and he didn't know how to move on. Just then his daughter Sasha Haley Hotchner walked in the room looking as lost as he was.

"Papa," She said in a small quiet voice, "Papa I don't know what to do". Spencer looked up and saw that his daughter looked just as lost as he was.

Finally, something got through to Spencer and he spoke, "Come here princess," And he opened his arms for her to fall into. He pulled the little girl onto his lap and placed a kiss on the top of her head. Silent tears were running down his face but he made no move to stop them.

"Papa, tell me again how you fell in love with Daddy? Please, I love how you tell it". Spencer didn't want to remember, didn't want to think, but he knew Sasha was hurting. He thought back to the beginning of the complicated, frustrating and amazing beginnings with Aaron. They'd had so many beginnings and Spencer never thought there would ever be an ending.

"_Well I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan"._

_ "I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire"._

_ "Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly"._

_ "Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas Public High School. You kick like a nine year old girl"._

Reid had walked away and Hotch knew the false bravado that he was putting up. The first kill was never easy, especially for someone like Spencer Reid. He knew that Spencer would have nightmares, that Phillip Dowd would haunt the young FBI agent's dreams for a while.

Hotch watched as Gideon talked to the youngest member of the team about when the reality would hit him. Gideon was proud of the kid, while Hotch was a little sad. He liked that Reid was a little naïve, still a little green. He knew that Reid felt emasculated without a gun, like he wasn't a real FBI agent, but that was the farthest from the truth. Hotch admired the way Reid's mind worked and now that mind, that pure heart was a little bit soiled and it made Hotch angry and sad.

When they landed and everyone was debarking Hotch noticed how Reid's shoulders slumped slightly, how his steps weren't as quick as normal and he knew. He knew Reid was processing the fact that he had killed a man. It didn't matter that it was a man who was hell bent on destruction, it was still a human being. And Hotch knew, to Reid there was something inherently wrong in that.

"Reid," Hotch moved up beside him, "Why don't I drive you home".

Reid went to protest, but he saw something in Hotch's face, something sad and almost vulnerable. A part of him was glad because he didn't think he'd be able drive at the moment.

"Okay".

Hotch also knew that his own dreams were going to be full of what could have happened and he didn't want to think about it. It didn't take long before they were pulling up to Reid's apartment and before he knew it Spencer was inviting the older man inside.

"Do you want a drink? The only hard stuff I have is some scotch".

"Yeah, that sounds good. Tell me where it is and I'll pour if you want to go change". Spencer looked at his boss for a moment and felt that same fluttering in his stomach that he always felt when he was alone with Aaron Hotchner.

"Umm, it's in that cupboard over there. I'll…I'll be right back". He headed into the small bedroom pulling out a pair of soft comfortable pajamas. He went to the bathroom to wash his face and he felt the beginning of shock setting in. He took a moment to get himself under control and when he felt ready he changed and moved back into the front room.

He saw Hotch had taken off his suit jacket and tie and was leaning back on the comfortable second hand couch. His hand wrapped around the glass with a couple of shots of the scotch. Another glass was sitting on the coffee table waiting for him.

Spencer sat down but had pulled into himself. He knew he was going into shock, he was starting to shake and when he reached for the glass Hotch noticed. Then Hotch did something that surprised both men, he pulled Spencer into a hug. At first the younger man didn't know what to do, he flinched at the touch. He wasn't someone who liked to be touched, but after his time at the BAU it was getting better. He didn't know what this meant, but he knew it felt good.

"Spencer?"

"Yeah, Hotch?"

"Stop thinking so loud. And call me Aaron…" Hotch looked into Spencer's eyes and saw a flash of desire. Ever since Dr. Reid had started with the BAU the older man had felt a connection. He couldn't explain it and he was careful to keep his mask of professionalism in place, but tonight? Tonight he wanted something more. He wanted to prove to himself that Spencer was still there and still in one piece. So he took a chance, bent down and took Spencer's mouth with his.

Crazy thoughts were running through Spencer's mind as their lips met. He never thought Aaron ever felt the same for him, especially since the man was married and had a child. Spencer didn't want to think about Haley, he reached his hand up experimentally and started to caress the back of Aaron's neck. The older man closed his eyes and moaned against Spencer's lips.

Spencer pulled back and looked at Aaron seeing the desire in the man's eyes, "Aaron, what about…"

"Spencer, if you want to stop this, I understand…"

Spencer answered Aaron by crawling in his lap and kissing him. He pulled back for a moment, panting and breathless. He slowly lowered his head back down and and gently deepened the kiss. He moved against Aaron, subtly. He grabbed at the buttons on Aaron's shirt and made quick work of them. Aaron, at the same time was pulling the pajama top off of Spencer. The young man fell back and possessively took Aaron's mouth with his. Tasting, biting, grinding teeth against teeth, he slid his tongue against Aaron's mouth urging him to open for Spencer. Their tongues danced against each other, darted in and out of each other's mouths until Spencer couldn't take it anymore. He pulled back and let his forehead fall against Aaron's.

"Aaron," He said breathless and full of desire, "What are we doing?" Confusion and need were warring within him.

"Spencer, I need you. I keep telling myself you're safe, you're here, but I keep seeing…" Aaron swallowed hard, his eyes were wet with unshed tears. "I never wanted you to have to do what you did. I never wanted you to lose that innocence. I'm so sorry Spencer".

"Shhhh, it's okay Aaron, I'm here". He got up off of his Unit Chief's lap and held out his hand. At that moment he didn't care about Haley, didn't care that Aaron was married, all he cared about was what would happen in the next few minutes. Aaron got up and took Spencer's hand and they moved into the small bedroom that was dominated by a queen sized bed.

They quickly shed the rest of their clothes and fell on the bed with Aaron on top of the young agent. "God Spencer, you're beautiful". Aaron moved his hands all over Spencer's thin frame. He loved all the lines and angles, the creamy white skin that was surprisingly soft. Aaron bent down and continued kissing Spencer. Taking and giving at the same time. Both of their cocks were hard, and before Spencer could process everything that was happening Aaron moved his hand to grip the both of them. Spencer yelled out Aaron's name and bucked his hips into Aaron's large warm hands , calloused fingers moving expertly over them both.

Before he knew it Aaron was riding Spencer, moving so their cocks were in constant contact. "Oh, god Aaron…that…feels…amazing…" Spencer was moving his hips trying to feel more, more of Aaron. He reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lube he kept there. Spencer may not have had a lot of experience with sex, but he did get urges.

Aaron grabbed it and slicked up both of their erections, he yelled "Fuck, Spencer, so good, so fucking good". Gripping them both in his hand he started to move quickly, feeling himself getting close. Spencer moved his hand over Aaron's and together they pinched and pulled giving and taking pleasure in each other and before either of them realized it they were coming together in thick white streams all over their hands. Aaron bent down and took Spencer's mouth in hot needy wet kisses. He collapsed on top of Spencer spent, released of the demon that had gripped him when a madman had taken them hostage.

He rolled over and pulled Spencer to him. "Aaron," Spencer was brought back to reality for a moment, "That was…incredible. I know…" There were tears in his eyes and Aaron felt guilty for putting them there.

"Let's just enjoy right now. Please, I don't want you to regret…"Aaron didn't know what he was trying to say. His feelings for Spencer Reid were complicated, but he still wanted to work things out with Haley.

"Aaron, I don't regret anything. Thank you for this. I know it hasn't hit quite yet…" Spencer laid his head on Aaron's chest and relaxed into the older man's body. He marveled at how they fit together. Spencer's eyes were closed when the vision of Dowd came upon him. He suddenly got up without a word and went into the bathroom. Aaron heard him turn on the shower and step inside. While Spencer was showering he went in the living room to retrieve his clothes and grabbed his forgotten glass of scotch. He downed it in one go. He sat on the couch, pants hanging unbuttoned while thoughts and feelings swirled in his head. When he realized Spencer was taking too long he went to look for him.

Aaron found him still in the shower curled in on himself and silently crying.

"Oh Spencer," Aaron, shedding his slacks, stepped in, sat on the hard tiles and pulled the young man into him. Spencer crawled up and plastered himself to Aaron's chest, sobbing. Aaron stroked his hair and held him, telling him everything was going to be okay.

"Did you feel this way Aaron?"

Aaron didn't need to be told what Spencer was talking about, he knew. "Yes Spencer. I'd like to say it gets easier, but in reality it doesn't. Even the diseased minds don't deserve to die like that. Lock them up, put them away sure, but killing is never easy. I never wanted you to have to do that. You want to know a secret?"

Spencer looked up at him with pain and anguish in his eyes, "What?"

"I was secretly happy you couldn't shoot worth crap," Aaron smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"Why? How can I be effective in the field…" Spencer was a little angry and thought Aaron was making fun of him.

"Because, then you could always be Dr. Spencer Reid, genius, slightly naïve and innocent".

Spencer frowned slightly confused by what Aaron was trying to tell him.

"Aaron, I'm not innocent.."

Aaron smiled a real full smile and it caught at Spencer's heart, it was rare for the Unit Chief to smile like that and it made Spencer feel special somehow.

"Reid, you will always be a little bit innocent". Aaron kissed the top of Spencer's head, then laid back against the shower, his thoughts conflicted. He had to get home, but he was loathe to leave. It was Spencer who finally made the decision.

"Aaron, you should go home. And just so you know, I will never regret this evening". Aaron got up and they both finished showering. After drying off, Aaron got dressed and made his way home. While driving his heart was breaking a little and silent tears ran down his face. He pulled up to his house, dried off his face and settled his mask back into place.

It was late when he crawled into bed beside his wife but he pulled her to him for the comfort, but at the same time was wishing it was someone else.

Reid crawled into bed after Aaron had left and realized just how empty his bed was. He didn't regret what happened; he was regretting what could have been. He pulled a pillow into himself wishing it was a certain body instead.

The next day Reid made it in a few minutes after Hotch, which wasn't unusual. What was unusual was the fresh cup of gourmet coffee and bear claw sitting on his desk waiting for him. He looked up to his Unit Chiefs office and after a second their eyes met. Reid raised the cup and smiled, Hotch dipped his head slightly in acknowledgement and the two quickly went to work.


	2. The Second Time

**Note: **The idea for this series came to me earlier today. It examines the relationship between Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid through the years. Like Daddy Drabbles it will be updated, just not on a regular basis. I have outlines up through season 3, but if there is a particular episode you'd like me to link back to I am totally open to that. And yes I already have the Foyet attacks and Emily "dying" in the works, but any other episode is up for grabs.

**I don't own Criminal Minds, but if I did it would be a crazy diabolical experiment with my many ships.**

* * *

><p><strong>The First Time<strong>

The funeral was over and Dr. Spencer Reid stood in the middle of his living room unable to move, to speak, to feel. This was the day it all became real. This was the day it finally hit him that Aaron was never going to walk through that door again, he'd never hold him again, or kiss him or make love to him. This was the day his world finally shattered, when he finally let in the pain, the grief and the sadness. He wanted to yell, to scream, to break things, to hit someone, but he didn't. He was paralyzed. It wasn't until Jack came up to him and pulled him into a hug that Spencer finally broke. His grief was palpable, a living breathing being and he felt he was being swallowed up by it. He pulled the boy in close not knowing what else to do.

"Papa, papa I miss him too," Is all Jack said. Jack had inherited his father's stoic nature. He had grown into a young man of little words, but when he spoke it was always with meaning.

Just then the doorbell rang. They didn't know who it could be, the Hotchner family had asked for privacy and even though Spencer's team at the FBI wanted to comfort him they also knew there really was nothing they could do. So, for now at least, they respected Spencer and Jack's wishes. Jack pulled away from Spencer and the man collapsed on the floor. Head hanging down, he was starting to retreat into himself. The old craving returned, something he hadn't felt in years, but now, today it was there and it was strong. Spencer wanted to forget, but with an eidetic memory it was almost impossible. He remembered every word, every touch, every conversation he ever had with Section Chief Aaron Hotchner and it made the pain worse.

Spencer felt someone kneel next to him. He looked up and saw his old mentor, Jason Gideon sit next to him. Of course he would be the only one to ignore their wishes. Jason had come back to Virginia several years ago wanting to make amends, knowing he had hurt so many people by his leaving. After many starts and stops both Aaron and Spencer welcomed him back in their lives and were grateful for his friendship.

"Spencer, Spencer get-up, come on," Jason put his arm around the younger man's shoulder and pulled him up, guiding him to the couch. "Spencer, I know. I know what you're going through but you have to get through this Spencer. For Jack, for Sasha, you can't fall apart Spencer".

Spencer slowly turned his head and looked at Jason with a haunted expression and it broke Jason's heart.

"Spencer, talk to me".

"I can't do it Jason, I can't, I'm tired. Tired of trying to be strong, tired of losing everyone…."

"Spencer, you have people who are still here, people who love you who will be there for you. You have Jack and what about Sasha? She's scared, she needs you".

Spencer knew he was right, but it was difficult he was floating in this in-between state and he didn't know how to move on. Just then his daughter Sasha Haley Hotchner walked in the room looking as lost as he was.

"Papa," She said in a small quiet voice, "Papa I don't know what to do". Spencer looked up and saw that his daughter looked just as lost as he was.

Finally, something got through to Spencer and he spoke, "Come here princess," And he opened his arms for her to fall into. He pulled the little girl onto his lap and placed a kiss on the top of her head. Silent tears were running down his face but he made no move to stop them.

"Papa, tell me again how you fell in love with Daddy? Please, I love how you tell it". Spencer didn't want to remember, didn't want to think, but he knew Sasha was hurting. He thought back to the beginning of the complicated, frustrating and amazing beginnings with Aaron. They'd had so many beginning and Spencer never thought there would ever be an ending.

* * *

><p>"<em>Well I wouldn't have kept kicking you, I was afraid you didn't get my plan".<em>

_ "I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire"._

_ "Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly"._

_ "Hotch, I was a twelve year old child prodigy in a Las Vegas Public High School. You kick like a nine year old girl"._

Reid had walked away and Hotch knew the false bravado that he was putting up. The first kill was never easy, especially for someone like Spencer Reid. He knew that Spencer would have nightmares, that Phillip Dowd would haunt the young FBI agent's dreams for a while.

Hotch watched as Gideon talked to the youngest member of the team about when the reality would hit him. Gideon was proud of the kid, while Hotch was a little sad. He liked that Reid was a little naïve, still a little green. He knew that Reid felt emasculated without a gun, like he wasn't a real FBI agent, but that was the farthest from the truth. Hotch admired the way Reid's mind worked and now that mind, that pure heart was a little bit soiled and it made Hotch angry and sad.

When they landed and everyone was debarking Hotch noticed how Reid's shoulders slumped slightly, how his steps weren't as quick as normal and he knew. He knew Reid was processing the fact that he had killed a man. It didn't matter that it was a man who was hell bent on destruction, it was still a human being. And Hotch knew, to Reid there was something inherently wrong in that.

"Reid," Hotch moved up beside him, "Why don't I drive you home".

Reid went to protest, but he saw something in Hotch's face, something sad and almost vulnerable. A part of him was glad because he didn't think he'd be able drive at the moment.

"Okay".

Hotch also knew that his own dreams were going to be full of what could have happened and he didn't want to think about it. It didn't take long before they were pulling up to Reid's apartment and before he knew it Spencer was inviting the older man inside.

"Do you want a drink? The only hard stuff I have is some scotch".

"Yeah, that sounds good. Tell me where it is and I'll pour if you want to go change". Spencer looked at his boss for a moment and felt that same fluttering in his stomach that he always felt when he was alone with Aaron Hotchner.

"Umm, it's in that cupboard over there. I'll…I'll be right back". He headed into the small bedroom pulling out a pair of soft comfortable pajamas. He went to the bathroom to wash his face and he felt the beginning of shock setting in. He took a moment to get himself under control and when he felt ready he changed and moved back into the front room.

He saw Hotch had taken off his suit jacket and tie and was leaning back on the comfortable second hand couch. His hand wrapped around the glass with a couple of shots of the scotch. Another glass was sitting on the coffee table waiting for him.

Spencer sat down but had pulled into himself. He knew he was going into shock, he was starting to shake and when he reached for the glass Hotch noticed. Then Hotch did something that surprised both men, he pulled Spencer into a hug. At first the younger man didn't know what to do, he flinched at the touch. He wasn't someone who liked to be touched, but after his time at the BAU it was getting better. He didn't know what this meant, but he knew it felt good.

"Spencer?"

"Yeah, Hotch?"

"Stop thinking so loud. And call me Aaron…" Hotch looked into Spencer's eyes and saw a flash of desire. Ever since Dr. Reid had started with the BAU the older man had felt a connection. He couldn't explain it and he was careful to keep his mask of professionalism in place, but tonight? Tonight he wanted something more. He wanted to prove to himself that Spencer was still there and still in one piece. So he took a chance, bent down and took Spencer's mouth with his.

Crazy thoughts were running through Spencer's mind as their lips met. He never thought Aaron ever felt the same for him, especially since the man was married and had a child. Spencer didn't want to think about Haley, he reached his hand up experimentally and started to caress the back of Aaron's neck. The older man closed his eyes and moaned against Spencer's lips.

Spencer pulled back and looked at Aaron seeing the desire in the man's eyes, "Aaron, what about…"

"Spencer, if you want to stop this, I understand…"

Spencer answered Aaron by crawling in his lap and kissing him. He pulled back for a moment, panting and breathless. He slowly lowered his head back down and and gently deepened the kiss. He moved against Aaron, subtly. He grabbed at the buttons on Aaron's shirt and made quick work of them. Aaron, at the same time was pulling the pajama top off of Spencer. The young man fell back and possessively took Aaron's mouth with his. Tasting, biting, grinding teeth against teeth, he slid his tongue against Aaron's mouth urging him to open for Spencer. Their tongues danced against each other, darted in and out of each other's mouths until Spencer couldn't take it anymore. He pulled back and let his forehead fall against Aaron's.

"Aaron," He said breathless and full of desire, "What are we doing?" Confusion and need were warring within him.

"Spencer, I need you. I keep telling myself you're safe, you're here, but I keep seeing…" Aaron swallowed hard, his eyes were wet with unshed tears. "I never wanted you to have to do what you did. I never wanted you to lose that innocence. I'm so sorry Spencer".

"Shhhh, it's okay Aaron, I'm here". He got up off of his Unit Chief's lap and held out his hand. At that moment he didn't care about Haley, didn't care that Aaron was married, all he cared about was what would happen in the next few minutes. Aaron got up and took Spencer's hand and they moved into the small bedroom that was dominated by a queen sized bed.

They quickly shed the rest of their clothes and fell on the bed with Aaron on top of the young agent. "God Spencer, you're beautiful". Aaron moved his hands all over Spencer's thin frame. He loved all the lines and angles, the creamy white skin that was surprisingly soft. Aaron bent down and continued kissing Spencer. Taking and giving at the same time. Both of their cocks were hard, and before Spencer could process everything that was happening Aaron moved his hand to grip the both of them. Spencer yelled out Aaron's name and bucked his hips into Aaron's large warm hands , calloused fingers moving expertly over them both.

Before he knew it Aaron was riding Spencer, moving so their cocks were in constant contact. "Oh, god Aaron…that…feels…amazing…" Spencer was moving his hips trying to feel more, more of Aaron. He reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the bottle of lube he kept there. Spencer may not have had a lot of experience with sex, but he did get urges.

Aaron grabbed it and slicked up both of their erections, he yelled "Fuck, Spencer, so good, so fucking good". Gripping them both in his hand he started to move quickly, feeling himself getting close. Spencer moved his hand over Aaron's and together they pinched and pulled giving and taking pleasure in each other and before either of them realized it they were coming together in thick white streams all over their hands. Aaron bent down and took Spencer's mouth in hot needy wet kisses. He collapsed on top of Spencer spent, released of the demon that had gripped him when a madman had taken them hostage.

He rolled over and pulled Spencer to him. "Aaron," Spencer was brought back to reality for a moment, "That was…incredible. I know…" There were tears in his eyes and Aaron felt guilty for putting them there.

"Let's just enjoy right now. Please, I don't want you to regret…"Aaron didn't know what he was trying to say. His feelings for Spencer Reid were complicated, but he still wanted to work things out with Haley.

"Aaron, I don't regret anything. Thank you for this. I know it hasn't hit quite yet…" Spencer laid his head on Aaron's chest and relaxed into the older man's body. He marveled at how they fit together. Spencer's eyes were closed when the vision of Dowd came upon him. He suddenly got up without a word and went into the bathroom. Aaron heard him turn on the shower and step inside. While Spencer was showering he went in the living room to retrieve his clothes and grabbed his forgotten glass of scotch. He downed it in one go. He sat on the couch, pants hanging unbuttoned while thoughts and feelings swirled in his head. When he realized Spencer was taking too long he went to look for him.

Aaron found him still in the shower curled in on himself and silently crying.

"Oh Spencer," Aaron, shedding his slacks, stepped in, sat on the hard tiles and pulled the young man into him. Spencer crawled up and plastered himself to Aaron's chest, sobbing. Aaron stroked his hair and held him, telling him everything was going to be okay.

"Did you feel this way Aaron?"

Aaron didn't need to be told what Spencer was talking about, he knew. "Yes Spencer. I'd like to say it gets easier, but in reality it doesn't. Even the diseased minds don't deserve to die like that. Lock them up, put them away sure, but killing is never easy. I never wanted you to have to do that. You want to know a secret?"

Spencer looked up at him with pain and anguish in his eyes, "What?"

"I was secretly happy you couldn't shoot worth crap," Aaron smiled slightly, trying to lighten the mood a little.

"Why? How can I be effective in the field…" Spencer was a little angry and thought Aaron was making fun of him.

"Because, then you could always be Dr. Spencer Reid, genius, slightly naïve and innocent".

Spencer frowned slightly confused by what Aaron was trying to tell him.

"Aaron, I'm not innocent.."

Aaron smiled a real full smile and it caught at Spencer's heart, it was rare for the Unit Chief to smile like that and it made Spencer feel special somehow.

"Reid, you will always be a little bit innocent". Aaron kissed the top of Spencer's head, then laid back against the shower, his thoughts conflicted. He had to get home, but he was loathe to leave. It was Spencer who finally made the decision.

"Aaron, you should go home. And just so you know, I will never regret this evening". Aaron got up and they both finished showering. After drying off, Aaron got dressed and made his way home. While driving his heart was breaking a little and silent tears ran down his face. He pulled up to his house, dried off his face and settled his mask back into place.

It was late when he crawled into bed beside his wife but he pulled her to him for the comfort, but at the same time was wishing it was someone else.

Reid crawled into bed after Aaron had left and realized just how empty his bed was. He didn't regret what happened; he was regretting what could have been. He pulled a pillow into himself wishing it was a certain body instead.

The next day Reid made it in a few minutes after Hotch, which wasn't unusual. What was unusual was the fresh cup of gourmet coffee and bear claw sitting on his desk waiting for him. He looked up to his Unit Chiefs office and after a second their eyes met. Reid raised the cup and smiled, Hotch dipped his head slightly in acknowledgement and the two quickly went to work.

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><p>Hope you guys like the idea of this series and I hope you kinda get the idea now. Please leave reviews, reviews are my pie so gimme a slice.<p> 


	3. The Third Time

**THE THIRD TIME**

JJ coaxed Reid out of the bedroom and when he saw Henry he took the young man in his arms and held on. "Uncle Spencer, we're here for you".

"Thank you Henry".

"Here, I brought you this," It was a picture from a few years ago. It was Halloween and Henry, Jack and Reid were dressed as different versions of The Doctor from Reid's favorite Sci-fi show Doctor Who. Aaron was dressed as one of The Silence, one of the creepier bad guys, and Will and JJ hand played along and they dressed as Rory and Amy, the Doctors companions. Sasha was no more than a year old, but they had found a child's version of the Weeping Angels, and she looked adorable. Reid held the picture tightly in his hand, and smiled even though tears were in his eyes the memory of that Halloween brought a smile to his face.

"Thank you," Spencer pulled the young man into another hug and said again quietly, "Thank you".

Spencer sat back down on the couch, he didn't know what to do. He wasn't up for entertaining and luckily Gideon sensed this.

"Anyone want anything?" He asked as he quietly led the LaMontagne family into the kitchen.

Jack sat on one side of Spencer and put his head down on his father's shoulder, while Sasha climbed up into his lap. Spencer put one arm around the young man, pulling him in closer while the other wrapped around his daughter. What was left of the Hotchner family sat wrapped around each other, trying to find some measure of comfort.

"Papa?" Sasha asked quietly.

"Yes princess?"

"Was Daddy brave?"

Spencer closed his eyes and thought about all of the years he worked with Section Chief Aaron Hotchner. Thought of all the times he went through the door first, or talked down an unsub. How he wasn't afraid to do what was necessary, even though he'd have the nightmares to contend with.

"You're Daddy was the bravest man I know".

"Braver than Uncle Derek?"

Spencer smiled, "Yes, braver than Uncle Derek. Daddy was brave because he let himself be afraid. He used his fear to do his job better. He used that fear to help him make the smart decisions. Daddy was brave that day too".

"You don't talk about it Papa. Jackers says you need to talk about things to feel better".

"I know princess, but it hurts so much. It hurts to know that Daddy died doing the job he loved".

"Aren't you brave Papa?"

Spencer looked at Jack and Sasha and thought for a moment before he spoke, "You're father made me brave. He made me a better agent, a better person. I tried to make him proud, to be brave".

Another knock at the door and Spencer almost knew it was going to be Morgan. JJ looked over and saw Spencer with the children and didn't want to disturb them, so she opened it for him.

JJ pulled her Unit Chief in for a hug, "He's not doing good Morgan. I'm afraid…"

"We'll get him through this Jayje". Morgan and Savannah came inside with their two children.

Morgan walked up to Spencer, "Hey kid, you know we're here, if you need anything just ask". He placed a hand on Spencer's shoulder. Savannah bent down and placed a chaste kiss on his forehead. "We love you Spence". Is all she said, but it put a small smile on Spencer's lips. Everyone ignored the fact that the smile didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Thank you. Jack?"

"Yes, Papa?"

"Take care of your sister for a moment?"

"Of course".

Spencer got up, grabbed Morgan's elbow and led him out and away from prying eyes. He was shifting back and forth on his feet and rubbing at his elbow. Morgan looked at Reid and thought, _no no no kid don't go there_.

"I'm uh, I'm having trouble Morgan. It's, it's strong today, and…" He looked up into the face of his best friend trying to hold back the tears.

"No, no Reid, don't go there kid. You've got Jack, you've got a daughter to take care of, don't do this".

"I know Morgan, I know, that's why I'm telling you".

"Then why did you tell us to stay away?"

"Because I knew you wouldn't". He looked up at Morgan with a sad smile on his face.

* * *

><p><em>Hotch: What the hell was that?<em>

_ Reid: He had a bomb_

_ Morgan: You didn't think we needed to know that?_

_ Reid: I told you to go downstairs_

_ Morgan: Well you didn't say 'bomb' you left that part out._

"Dammit Reid, don't take changes like that again, do you understand me?" Hotch was angry. A psychopath had pulled the team into his crazy King Arthur Grail delusion and now he had one agent down and another who almost got Hotch, Morgan and himself blown up. Hotch had offered to drive Reid home because the young agent looked stressed and shaken.

"Hotch, I had to save her, I had to get her out of there".

"Reid, I understand that, but you took a huge risk. You should have told us about the bomb".

"Hotch, he had a deadman's switch, what was I supposed to do? I didn't think he'd actually use it". Reid was trying hard to justify trying to talk down Randall Garner.

"Reid, I'm not saying not to do your job, but you need to communicate better to the rest of the team, especially when a psychopath has a goddamn bomb". Reid knew his boss was upset, but he didn't know where this anger was coming from.

Reid retreated as far as he could into the comfortable leather car seat. He looked like someone had kicked him.

Hotch looked over at Reid and sighed deeply and said in a quieter voice, "Reid, I'm sorry. But you scared the hell out of me by running back down into the basement back there".

"I know, I'm sorry, but we had to save her, what good are we if we don't try?"

"You're right," Hotch looked over and saw Reid slightly hunched over, "What's going on Spencer?"

"I didn't want you to know". Reid looked out the window at the passing scenery. He didn't want to see the expression on Aaron's face.

Hotch knew what it was Reid was talking about, "Spencer, did you think we would think less of you because you're mother has a mental disorder?"

"Yes…No…I don't know. I just," Hotch reached over and placed a hand on Spencer's shoulder.

"Spencer, no one would have ever thought less of you because of it. She seems like an incredible woman. I see where you get your love of books". Hotch smiled at the young man. "Where is she staying tonight?"

"They got her a room at Bethesda. Her meds need to be monitored closely and the last few days really freaked her out. I know I should have probably stayed with her…"

"It's okay Spencer, you don't have to explain. It couldn't, can't be easy. What time does your flight leave tomorrow?"

"Early afternoon, but I have to go pick-up my mom and make sure she's okay. Then I have to get her through the airport. At least with my FBI credentials it will be quicker".

"Would you like some help?"

Spencer smiled, "Yes, thank you Hotch". Aaron raised a brow, Spencer hardly called him Hotch when they were alone, it was usually Aaron, but the events of the last few days had left the whole team shaken.

"Um, Aaron, if you ah want to stay…" Reid was quiet and shy waiting to see if Aaron would answer.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes".

They drove the rest of the way in silence. When they got to Spencer's apartment Aaron raised his phone to his ear and Spencer knew what he wanted, privacy to call his wife to explain he wouldn't be home that night. After the phone call he grabbed his go bag and made his way up to Spencer's apartment.

What neither man noticed was the car that had followed them. The man behind the wheel stared out his window, wondering what was going on. He had noticed the two agents getting closer and now he wondered just how close they were.

In the apartment Aaron said "I'm going to go change". Spencer just shook his head in acknowledgement.

"Would you like me to order something to eat?" Spencer walked over to the bedroom and caught Aaron stark naked. The sight sent a slight shiver down his spine and Spencer thought, _God he's gorgeous._ "I umm, know of umm a late night Indonesian place…" Spencer swallowed hard.

Aaron walked over to where the young man was standing, "Whatever you want," And placed a kiss on Spencer's lips.

"Aaron," He wanted to protest, wanted to say no, but he couldn't. A part of him wanted to just have dinner and spend some time together, but another part, a bigger part wanted this man more than anything. He reached up and pulled Aaron in tighter, returning the kiss, deepening it till he felt himself grow hard. Aaron reached out and slowly undressed Spencer, caressing him, touching, tasting, and sighing his name. He ran his finger through Spencer's hair pulling little moans of pleasure from his young lover. They stayed like that for several minutes just kissing and it was one of the most erotic things Spencer had ever felt. He slid his tongue along Aaron's mouth, encouraging him to open, to accept Spencer's tongue, which Aaron gladly gave him. Their tongues danced in each other's mouths exploring, tasting feeling every texture. Spencer finally broke the kiss and pushed Aaron down on the bed falling on top of his sometime lover. Spencer bit along Aaron's shoulder and was rewarded with a startled gasp, Aaron continued stroking and pulling on Spencer's hair encouraging the young agent to continue. Spencer licked, bit and sucked anywhere and everywhere he could relishing the body beneath him.

After a few minutes Aaron flipped Spencer on his back and gave the young man the same treatment. He roughly ran his hands over Spencer's body, kneading and massaging everywhere, "Aaron, that…that feels incredible". Spencer, panting and moaning reached up to pull the older man down so he could ravish his mouth once again. Aaron started moving slowly against Spencer, their cocks stayed in constant contact. They moved with each other, kissing and caressing, biting and licking passion fueling the both of them. After a few minutes Aaron started to move faster, feeling the orgasm build within till he just couldn't hold back, "Spencer, oh, god you're so beautiful," He sat up taking Spencer's cock in his hand and pumped faster, while Spencer grabbed Aaron and fisted him with his warm hand wrapped tightly around. Their hands moved together, finally bringing each other to completion with each other's name on their lips. Aaron collapsed next to Spencer and pulled the young man close.

They lay wrapped in each other's arms, lightly caressing each other. Spencer raised his hand and played with Aaron's short dark hair, "Aaron, do you know how much you mean to me?" This was the closest that Spencer would ever admit his true feelings.

"Spencer, I care for you very deeply. You don't want me to say it…"

"No, please Aaron don't. I cherish whatever moments we have together, though I wish it didn't take me almost getting killed.." He smiled at Aaron, trying to lighten the mood, trying to get him to not say what they both wanted to, but were too afraid to.

"Spence," Aaron looked deep in his young lover's eyes and wanted more than anything to stay there, to lose himself in Spencer forever, but they knew, for now at least, it was a dream.

"You still want me to get us some food?" Spencer didn't want to continue this discussion because he knew if they did things would be said that could never be taken back and couldn't be acted on.

Aaron knew Spencer was deflecting, but he let it go for now, "Sure, whatever you'd like". He said trying to keep a light tone to his voice.

Spencer got up and dressed in comfortable pants and an old academy shirt. He ordered from that late night Indonesian restaurant and sighed deeply when he felt strong arms reach around him from behind, pulling him into a hug.

Aaron couldn't resist it. He just wanted to hold Spencer close, he rested his chin on top of Spencer's head, closed his eyes and thought, _mine_. He knew the word was true, that no matter what they went through that somehow Spencer Reid would always be his. That knowledge made him happy and sad at the same time. He desperately wanted to be with Spencer all the time, but the complications with that were too numerous. He also still loved Haley and was desperately trying to make it work. So, for now they just let each other be what they were, whatever that was.

The food arrived in no time and they quietly ate together on the couch, sitting close bodies in constant contact. When they were done they sat back and Aaron pulled the young man to him. They stayed like that, neither one spoke, they didn't want to break that delicate spell they were under.

When Spencer started to fall asleep Aaron encouraged him into bed where they lay wrapped in each other all night.

The next day Aaron kept his promise to help Spencer with his mother and together they quickly got through the airport without incident. Aaron said his goodbye's to Spencer and his mother and he made it back to the office before it was too late in the day. He was in his office catching-up on paperwork when Jason came in, closed the door, sat down and just looked at Aaron.

After a couple of minutes of silence Aaron looked up, "Jason, is there something you need? Help with a consult?"

"What are you doing Aaron?"

Hotch sat back and looked at his lead profiler, "What does it look like I'm doing? Paperwork…"

Jason's expression turned dark, "Don't play me Aaron Hotchner, do you think I'm stupid? Do you think I don't notice things?"

"Jason, if you have something to say, say it otherwise let me get back to work". Hotch stared hard at the older man.

"The glances, the little touches, the small gifts you leave each other, going for coffee more often that you used to, taking lunch together…"

Now Hotch was getting angry, "Jason, just spit it out".

"Are you sleeping with Spencer? And before you say anything I followed you last night".

Hotch's jaw was working back and forth, "That is none of your business…"

"Hotch, come on, what are you doing? This can only end…"

"Are you going to report me Jason? Are you threatening me?"

"No Hotch, I'm asking you to do the right thing…"

A dark anger settled on Aaron's face and he stood halfway up from his chair looking down on Gideon, "The right thing? Oh really? You want to talk about the right thing? How about a press conference that shouldn't have happened? Huh? Because I have an agent in the hospital who almost died, I know, it's partially on me I should have stopped you, but dammit Jason sometimes you still think you are the Unit Chief. And, if you want to say anything about my relationship with Spencer then come right out and say it. But, like you said, don't play me".

"Hotch, I'm just worried about you, about him. Spencer isn't like the others.."

"No Jason he isn't. He still holds a bit of innocence, this job hadn't touched him yet. Not until Dowd. You're so impressed by what he can do, you forget there is a human being inside there. He's the heart of us Jason, not just for JJ, but Morgan and Elle too".

"Hotch…"

"No Jason, you told him you were proud, what the hell? Proud that he killed someone? We shouldn't be proud of that. You didn't have to deal with the fallout, I did. So, if you want to report me for something go ahead, but remember you aren't innocent either". Aaron's anger at Gideon was clearly written on his face.

"You're right. I sometimes forget. I'm not going to say anything Aaron, just…just be careful. It's not only Spencer I worry about getting hurt". With that Jason got up and went back to his office.

Hotch sat back down in his chair and pulled out the bottle of scotch he kept in his desk, poured a glass, leaned back and tried to forget.


	4. The Fourth Time

**THE FOURTH TIME**

_Now:_

Another knock at the door and another person from the team had come by. Spencer stopped caring. He knew he should get up, get off the couch, engage, but he just couldn't. He knew they cared about him, he knew they loved him, but everything was so difficult. He didn't want it to be real anymore, he wanted Aaron to walk through that door and he knew it wasn't going to happen.

He was staring straight ahead when he felt the dip in the couch and arms come around him. The person hadn't said anything, just held him. When he looked over he saw it was Alex.

"Alex," Was all he said. She laid his head on her shoulder and let him cry. He wrapped an arm around her and held on.

In the kitchen they heard Spencer and each of their hearts were breaking. No one knew what to say. It was finally JJ who broke the silence.

"What if he doesn't come back from this. Morgan, what are we going to do?"

"Jayje, we just have to get him through it, just like we did with Maeve".

"Derek, this is nothing like Maeve and you know it. He was in love with the idea of Maeve, the romance of the calls and the letters. They didn't know each other that well. You know as well as I do that his heart only ever truly belonged to Aaron".

"Yeah, I know. God, do you know I walked in, sort of, on the two of them?"

"Seriously? You never said anything". JJ said.

"Yeah, It was after the train incident back in 2005, where he stupidly took off his vest and faced down that delusional unsub". Morgan chuckled at how thoughtless, yet brave Reid was that day.

"I even threated to break every bone in Hotch's body if he ever hurt Reid…" Morgan was trying to control his own feelings over losing his boss and friend.

"Morgan, come on, we all knew".

Alex had come into the kitchen a few minutes after she got Reid to lie down on the couch. She frowned looking at the pretty blonde. The years had been kind and Jennifer Jareau was still a beautiful woman, "JJ, what do you mean?"

"We all saw how they were 'dancing' around each other. Extra coffee trips, lunches together, room assignments mysteriously being changed, sitting close to each other on the plane when they dared. Even I noticed and I wasn't even a profiler yet".

"And none of you were bothered?" Alex wanted to know, to understand how the two of them began.

"Why should we have been? Reid made him smile, and how often did Aaron smile?" JJ thought back to card games, mock arguments, deep philosophical discussions and hands gripped in shadow when they thought no one was looking.

They heard another knock and Morgan broke away to go see who it was. When he opened the door he saw it was David Rossi.

"Dave," The two old friends embraced.

"How's he doing?" Morgan just shook his head and led the other man into the kitchen where the others

were gathered.

"So, how do we get him through this one?"

"I don't know Rossi. We were just talking about how we all knew about them before they finally decided to tell us". Morgan smiled.

"Yeah, well they did try to hide it pretty well, but sometimes love has other ideas".

* * *

><p><em> Gideon: Paramedics say he wouldn't have made it without you. You saved his life.<em>

_ Reid: He wanted me to let him die._

_ Gideon: He's sick. He needed saving._

_ Reid: And how many people's lives did I risk in the future?_

_ Gideon: Profiles can be wrong._

_ Reid: What if it's not? What if next time he kills somebody?_

_ Gideon: Then you catch him_

He couldn't get the image of the blood on his hands out of his head. He had washed them three times now, but it was still there, it wouldn't go away, _when will it go away?_ he thought. He couldn't sleep because he kept seeing Nathan Harris's blood on his hands. The kid had tried to kill himself because he was afraid, afraid of his own mind. Reid knew the feeling. His mind was always in constant motion and it was always so hard to shut it down. No one understood, not even Gideon. Actually, that's not true, Aaron understood. He would sometimes steer Reid to a quiet corner and lay a hand on his shoulder and the thoughts, voices, equations, book quotes, movie scenes and whatever else was going on would stop. For that brief moment it would stop and he was always grateful, no yearned for those moments. Those moments that Aaron saw him struggle when no one else did. And it was Aaron that would understand. He didn't know why, but he sent his unit chief a text and just wrote: _I can't stop seeing the blood, what do I do?"_

It was close to three in the morning when Aaron's phone pinged. He picked it up and looked down and saw Reid's text and closed his eyes. He didn't hesitate though. He quietly got up out of bed, pulled on some clothes and was out the door in less than 15 minutes. He didn't want to wake Haley so he just left her a quick note. He knew he should feel guilty, but he didn't. He was concerned for Spencer and wanted to help the young genius. He denied to himself what it actually was that he felt. Denied it to Spencer, denied it to Haley and most importantly denied it to himself. They had made a promise, don't say the word. If they said it, then what they shared would become real and once real it could no longer be denied. So Aaron kept the word to himself, but kept it in his heart, kept Spencer in his heart. He knew that they couldn't keep going on like this, that something was going to give, and soon. For tonight though he would give to Spencer, even if it was only for a short time.

What Aaron didn't know was that Haley wasn't asleep. The ping had woken her up, so she knew it wasn't a case. With a case the phone rang and he acknowledged the other person on the line. This was just a ping and she knew. She'd known for a while. She wasn't ready to confront Aaron, wasn't ready for the fight, but she knew. When they had met in High School she suspected something different about Aaron, but she just chalked it up to his upbringing. She knew about his father and what Aaron went through. But, deep down she also knew Aaron wasn't a hundred percent heterosexual. He talked to her about the time they had broken up during college and it didn't bother her, he had come back to her and they had an amazing life. That is, until Aaron met _him_. She felt that she was losing Aaron a little at a time since then. She also understood what Aaron saw in his sometime lover, his brilliance, his compassion, his empathy and yes his beauty. The young man wasn't classically handsome like Aaron, he was beautiful. Haley could see the attraction, but somehow she knew it was deeper than that. She didn't want to say the word, if she said what she knew Aaron felt, it would shatter her heart. No, she wasn't ready to confront Aaron, so she just curled in on herself and silently cried.

Aaron made it to Spencer's fairly quickly, the streets being bare and the traffic lights co-operating. He parked, walked-in and used the key that Spencer had secretly given him a couple of months before. This time there was no hesitation. Aaron found Spencer curled-up on his bed silently crying. Aaron could almost see how much his lover's mind was swirling and he didn't need to be a genius to figure out Spencer was hurting. Aaron shed his clothes, laid down next to Spencer and pulled him in tight, holding him, kissing his neck and shoulders, caressing his side. With the kisses, the touches, Spencer felt himself slowly relax. Finally, here was the one person who understood. They didn't need words, at least not in this early hour. Slowly they touched, tasted, caressed, taking each other silently and completely. The last shudders of his orgasm went through him as Aaron pulled from his body and he felt almost complete. After he cleaned up Aaron was back, pulling Spencer close and wrapping himself around the young genius. Still they hadn't said a word and Aaron felt Spencer slowly and finally fall asleep. While his lover slept Aaron broke their rule, but it was okay Spencer was asleep, the older man whispered, so quietly almost silently, "I love you".


	5. The Fifth Time

**THE FIFTH TIME**

"All of you knew? I mean, you knew before, ah before we told you?" Spencer had walked over to the kitchen and listened for a few moments to the conversation his friends were having before he asked the question.

Someone started to move toward him but he took a step back. He didn't want to be touched at the moment, he felt fragile, almost like glass and he felt if someone else touched him or hugged him he'd break into a thousand pieces.

"Spence," JJ smiled, "We all kind of guessed, but we never talked about it, not really. It was between you and Aaron. But, we all noticed things".

Spencer frowned, he was still trying to find his footing, but he was glad that his friends had disregarded his wishes and came anyway. As much as he wanted to push them away, to be alone, to crawl into bed and never wake-up again, he was glad they were there because it made him believe that he wasn't going to fade away.

"Can I ask what it was?" He asked and there was confusion and sadness written all over his face.

JJ smiled and tentatively took a step towards Reid, when he didn't back-up she laid a hand on his arm, "The extra coffee breaks at that little coffee stand outside the office".

"Lunch breaks together in his office. You two would sit a little too close on the plane during briefings a lot of the time." Morgan said as he smiled.

"Sometimes when Aaron was trying to pull the best from you, the two of you would stare a little too long at each other". Jason also chimed in with a bemused smile.

"When you were having you're headaches how the hotel room assignments would mysteriously change. We knew he was taking care of you". Rossi looked at Reid with raised brows and a small sad smile.

"He would worry just a little more with you when you would get hurt. He cared about all of us, but with you it was always something more". Alex had come in behind Reid and she gently laid a hand on his shoulder.

"None of you…" Spencer moved forward a little, moved a little closer into the circle that they had unconsciously made. He suddenly felt safe there, safe and protected.

"None of us what kid?"

"You know I'm a 47 year old man Morgan, I stopped being a kid a long time ago".

"Hey, you're my little brother, you'll always be a kid to me, no matter you're age. Now what were you gonna ask us pretty boy".

"None of you thought I was to blame?"

"Blame for what Spencer?" Rossi looked at him quizzically.

"For Haley leaving him?"

Dave took a deep breath, "Spencer, Haley was leaving him by inches. She knew who and what he was but after Jack was born she expected him to change. She expected him to become something other than what he was".

Spencer swallowed hard, "And what was that?"

They all looked at Spencer and smiled. Morgan looked in Spencer's eyes and said, "A man who was in love".

Spencer didn't hold back the tears this time, he let them come and they all closed in a circle around him, showing him their love and support. Showing him how much they would always be there for him. They let him cry, but they held him up and didn't let him fall.

Just then there was another knock on the door. Will, not wanting to interrupt the circle of friends went to answer.

When he opened the door, there was Penelope Garcia and even in funeral clothes she was still a bright beacon.

"Hey Will, how is he?"

"Hey cher," He pulled her inside and gave her a hug, "He's in the kitchen with da' others. He's havin' a hard time Penny".

She moved in and everyone else let go. The bubbly analyst walked over, took Reid's face in her hands, placed a kiss on his cheek and said, "He wouldn't want you to fade away on us. Please promise me, if it get's bad, you'll call me". She smiled at him as she reached in her purse and pulled out a small decorative bag, "Here, these worked their magic before, maybe it'll help again". She laid a hand on his cheek and wiped away the tears from his face.

He slowly opened the bag and inside was a mixture of nuts and seeds. When Reid saw what it was he actually smiled for the first time that day.

* * *

><p><em>Hotch: Reid [bends down and reaches for Reid]<em>

_ Hotch: Are you okay?_

_ Reid: I knew you'd understand_

Hotch grabbed the young genius in a hug and held him close. He didin't want to let go, but he knew he had to. The EMT's checked him over and recommended he go to the hospital to get his foot looked at.

"Hotch I'm fine, can we just go home? I just want to go home".

"Reid this is not up for debate you are going to the hospital".

"Fine," Reid says defiantly.

Hotch walked away for a few minutes to call Haley to let her know what was going on. He also told her that he was going to stay with Spencer for a couple of days to make sure that he was okay. Haley didn't argue, in fact this time after hearing what the young man had gone through she didn't begrudge Aaron this one. She still hadn't confronted him, but she knew now was not the time.

Hotch had seen. Spencer didn't know that Hotch saw, he thought he was being careful, using his well honed slight-of-hand to hide what he was doing, but Hotch saw Spencer take something out of Tobias's pocket and he had a sinking feeling he knew what it was and it worried him. For now, though he just wanted Reid to get checked out and he went with the young agent to the hospital. The Doctor told the team that Reid had a sprained ankle, that the abuse to his foot didn't do too much damage, fortunately. He had a minor concussion and the Doctor asked that Reid be monitored, which Aaron volunteered to do. No one argued, you didn't argue with Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner when he took a firm stand. The Doctor also said Reid had minor cuts and a lot of bruising as well as a tiny fracture in his cheekbone, which would heal just fine if he was careful.

They thanked the Doctor and one by one they went to check on Spencer to make sure he was okay. Then when they were reassured, they made their way to the hotel. They were flying out early afternoon the next day and everyone wanted to try to get some sleep. The only person that stayed behind was Aaron. He saw to the discharge papers and in a few minutes they were out the door and on their way to the hotel.

Once inside their room Aaron had changed into sweats and a t-shirt and got Spencer in the shower. When it felt like too much time had passed he went to check on Spencer and saw that he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, shivering and not moving. Aaron grabbed a towel, wrapped it around Spencer and kneeled down in front of him.

"Don't leave me, please", there was such a desperate tone to Spencer's voice that it broke that delicate state that Aaron had been living in since Spencer had disappeared. Aaron's head fell in Spencer's lap and the dam finally broke and Aaron was openly sobbing. This took Spencer by surprise. He had never seen his unit chief breakdown, ever. "Aaron, Aaron, I'm right here". Spencer threaded his fingers through Aaron's hair, giving the older man some reassurance.

After a few moments Aaron pulled himself together and looked up, "We thought, I thought I'd lost you. I don't know what…Oh god Spencer I should never have sent you and JJ out there…"

Spencer lifted his hand and stroked Aaron's cheek, "Aaron, this wasn't you're fault, not yours, not JJ's. Don't blame yourself…please?" Spencer bent his head down and kissed Aaron. He couldn't help it, he wanted, no needed to feel something good, something clean. They broke the kiss and after a minute and Aaron helped Spencer into the bedroom. He took care to wrap the young agent's ankle like the Doctor explained and grabbed several pillows to put under Spencer's foot to elevate it.

"I'm going to go take a shower, keep that leg elevated. I'll be back in a few minutes". Aaron went in the bathroom, shut and locked the door, then went through Spencer's discarded corduroy's and found the vials. Aaron sank to the floor and just held on to them. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he was determined to help Spencer. He didn't want Spencer to go down the same road that his brother Sean had gone. So he stood up, found the small switchblade he kept in his travel bag and broke the seal on the top of the vials and dumped the contents. He then put the empty vials in his bag and proceeded with his shower, trusting himself that he did the right thing.

When he got back to the bedroom he found that Spencer had fallen fast asleep. Aaron buried the small travel bag deep in his go bag then lay down next to Spencer, pulling him in tight.

Spencer stirred and looked over at Aaron and said quietly, "Aaron, make love to me, please, please I need you…" Tears were flowing down his face.

"Spencer…"

"Please, I just need…I need to forget, I need to feel good, to feel something clean again, please…" He begged and the pleading in Spencer's eyes Aaron couldn't resist. He pulled the pillows away and slowly stripped Spencer naked, trailing needy kisses down his body, caressing everywhere, feeling himself harden as he felt along the lines and planes that was Spencer Reid.

Aaron's mouth slowly descended on Spencer's hard cock. He started at the soft sensitive tip, sucking and licking along the slit. He started to suck harder, hallowing his cheeks letting himself feel every part of the soft silky flesh, "Fuck…" Is all Spencer could get out. All of the pain from the last couple of days was melting away and Spencer wanted more. "God, Aaron, more….I need…more". Aaron licked down the length, tonguing the dark throbbing vein. Spencer threaded his hands through Aaron's short dark hair lightly stroking and pulling, Aaron's moans of pleasure at the sensation made Reid smile.

Aaron then took all of Spencer in his mouth sucking harder, and faster, while kneading his young lover's hips, holding him there, reassuring himself that Spencer was there and grounded. Spencer was panting and writhing beneath him and the movements went straight to Aaron's own hardness.

Aaron pulled away and Spencer felt the loss, "Aaron?" He questioned, then felt weather roughened lips press against his own soft ones. The sensation was heady and Spencer wanted more. He let his tongue move over Aaron's encouraging the older man to open up for him. Their tongues danced together, seeking dominance over one another. Aaron pulled away, but a moment later was kissing and sucking at the soft sensitive area around Spencer's neck. The noises that Spencer was making were driving Aaron crazy and it was almost enough to make him come right then and there.

All of a sudden Aaron got up off the bed and moved to his go bag. He pulled out a small bottle of lube and a condom and looked down at Spencer, "Only if you want to Spence…" Large dark lust blown eyes were looking down at the young agent and he just couldn't resist it when Aaron looked at him that way.

"Yes, please…" The pleading was breaking Aaron's heart, but right in this moment he would give anything at all to the beautiful Dr. Reid. He needed this as much as Spencer did. He needed to feel that body so alive and present. Aaron quickly stripped and moved back to the bed. He lay down on his side and encouraged Spencer to do the same. He didn't want to put any strain on the abused foot, or any of the bruising that was just beginning to blossom. Aaron ran his hands lightly over the bruises, cursing the man who had put them there. He slicked up his fingers and gently played with his perineum making the young genius sigh with pleasure. Slowly he inserted one digit in Spencer's tight ass. He moved it in and out, encouraging the hole to loosen up, and after a couple of minutes of his ministrations he added a second. He hooked his fingers inside, stimulating the prostate making Spencer groan in pleasure. By the time Aaron added a third Spencer was slowly moving against Aaron's hand encouraging his lover to continue.

Aaron was sucking and licking at the soft earlobe, and breathlessly asked again, "You're certain? I don't want to hurt you Spence…" Spencer couldn't speak, the sensation of the hand stimulating his prostate along with Aaron's mouth on his ear was driving him crazy. He nodded his head wildly. Aaron pulled his hand away and Spencer groaned in frustration, but he didn't have to wait long before he felt Aaron's hardness filling him, slowly and gently. Aaron got his left arm under Spencer and wrapped it around his chest and pulled Spencer slightly up so his head was on Aaron's shoulder, his right arm wandered down to Spencer's cock moving his hand up and down the hard shaft, twisting and pulling "Fucking hell Aaron," Spencer was breathless and panting . Aaron made love slowly and gently to Spencer, keeping a lazy, but erotic pace. After a few minutes Spencer couldn't take it anymore, the dual sensations of Aaron's hand and cock was just too much and the orgasm hit him hard as he bucked violently into Aaron's hand. Aaron, still holding onto Spencer sped up his pace slightly when he felt his own orgasm build, hearing the noises Spencer was making was too much and before he knew it the powerful orgasm ripped right through him. He buried his face in Spencer's hair stifling the scream that wanted to escape "God, Spencer, so good, you feel so good". When the last vestiges of the orgasm left him Aaron felt shudders coming from the young man being held securely in his arms. Spencer was sobbing. Aaron didn't want to move so he felt for one of the pillows next to him and used it to wipe his hand. He then softly stroked Spencer's hair, letting the young man cry.

"That's right Spencer, let it out, let it all out. I'm here, I'm right here". Aaron's own eyes were wet but he didn't want to cry, this was for Spencer. Aaron didn't let go, but held on till he felt the young man calming down.

"Aa…Aaron?"

"Yes?"

"Would you be angry at me if I broke our rule?" Spencer was on the verge of crying again. And Aaron sensed this was a turning point, if he let Spencer say it, if he said it himself then what they shared would become real. If he didn't let Spencer say it, it just might shatter them both.

After a long debate with himself he made the decision, "No, no I wouldn't be angry".

"Aaron…I love you", Spencer said quietly, holding his breath waiting to see what Aaron would say.

"Spencer," There was a lump in Aaron's throat, but he swallowed past it and said just as quietly, "I love you too".

"Just hold me Aaron, tell me that I'm safe, tell me you'll always find me no matter what".

"Spencer, you're safe and I'll always find you, no matter what". Spencer reached up and grabbed Aaron's arm and held on as he fought down the tears. He didn't want to breakdown again.

After a while Aaron pulled his arm out from under Spencer then got his lover to roll back on his back. He pulled off the condom, knotted it and disposed of it. He took the unsoiled extra pillows and put them back under Spencer's foot elevating it and checking the bandage to make sure it was the right tension. Aaron went in the bathroom and cleaned up, grabbed a wet washcloth and proceeded to clean Spencer as well. He stretched out next to the young man and threw an arm around his lover's waist and they both slowly fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Hotch woke with a start, he heard rustling and soft cursing. He was about to reach for his gun in the nightstand drawer when he noticed that Spencer wasn't in bed. He came fully awake and slowly followed the sounds that were coming from the bathroom.<p>

"Spencer?" Hotch quietly asked. He opened the door to the bathroom and what he saw and heard broke his heart. There was Spencer on the floor searching the pockets of his corduroy's, over and over again.

"No no no no, where are they, where are they? Dammit, dammit where are they". The desperation in Spencer's voice stunned Hotch and he slowly lowered himself next to the young man. He reached out a hand and gently laid it on Spencer's shoulder but he violently flinched at the touch.

"Did you take take them? Aaron, did you take them?" Spencer asked vehemently as he grabbed at Aaron's arms, digging in with surprisingly strong fingers.

"Take what Spencer?" Though Hotch already knew and was afraid to hear the answer.

"From my pocket, DID YOU TAKE THEM?" Reid yelled.

Hotch closed his eyes a moment to get his emotions under control. He grabbed one of Spencer's hands and slowly pried it off, "Yes I took them". He stared hard at the man he loved.

"They weren't yours, give them back. Dammit Aaron, give them back". Spencer was desperate; the craving was strong, impossibly strong, especially after the nightmare that had woken him up.

Hotch took Reid's face in his hands, "Spence, you don't need it, you can beat this. We can get you help Spencer, you didn't ask for this so don't let it take you. Please, please don't let it take you". Hotch was looking in the frantic eyes of his lover.

"Give them back, please, please Aaron, I need it, I need it, it, it helps, please". The begging man on the bathroom floor was breaking Hotch's heart.

Aaron said with a quaver to his voice, "I can't Spencer, its gone".

Spencer shot up, ignored the pain in his foot and rushed into the bedroom. He grabbed Aaron's go bag and was tearing into it frantically looking for the drugs. He flung clothes, files, pens and pencils all over trying to find the vials. Hotch didn't know what to do, he stood there paralyzed watching the desperate scene in front of him. Spencer found the small travel bag and dumped its contents on the bed and continued his frantic search. When he saw the vials there in the middle of Aaron's toiletries he breathed a sigh of relief, until he held them up.

"No no no no no, what did you do? What did you do Aaron? Noooooo," Aaron rushed up and grabbed Reid from behind and wrestled the young man down. Hotch held on through the struggle, not letting Reid go. Reid was crying and begging for the dilauded and Hotch couldn't do anything but hold on.

All the while he was talking to Spencer, "You don't need it Spencer, please don't go down that road, not after tonight, not after making this real. You made us real Spencer, please…" Hotch continued to hang on, he buried his face in Spencer's hair, quietly pleading and held the young man till he cried it out.

"Help me Aaron," Was all he said. Aaron got Spencer back on the bed, pulled him in close and held on. He held on through the night. He held on through the sweating and the mild shaking. He held on while Reid scratched at imaginary itching and he held on through the begging. They didn't get much sleep, but Hotch didn't care, as long as he held onto Spencer, everything would be fine, wouldn't it? At least that was what Aaron was telling himself.

The next day both men took fresh showers and quickly packed up to leave. Spencer helped Aaron retrieve all of his things from his go bag. Aaron noticed, though, that he looked anxious, eyes darting everywhere.

"Spencer, you've got to pull yourself together. Come on, do you want something to eat?"

"I don't know if I can. I feel nauseous, maybe just some coffee". Aaron grabbed their bags in one hand and helped Spencer down to the small café attached to the hotel. The rest of the team was there waiting. They saw that Reid was anxious but they just chalked it up to his recent ordeal. He tried to drink some coffee, but the bitter liquid curled in his stomach.

"Hey kid, you okay?" Morgan asked, concern showing in his eyes.

"Yeah, Morgan" Reid cleared his throat, "I'm, I'm fine. I just want to get home".

"Okay then, let's get you home". No one said anything more because honestly, they didn't know what to say.

Once on the plane Aaron settled Reid on the small couch helping to fold his long limbs so that his foot was elevated and protected. He sat in one of the chairs facing the couch, keeping an eye on his lover. It didn't take long for the exhausted young man to fall asleep. After a little while Aaron noticed that Reid was distressed and mumbling to himself. Aaron got up and moved to the couch where he placed Reid's head in his lap. The young agent unconsciously wrapped his free arm around Aaron's waist and settled in. Aaron turned his head into the side panel and let silent tears fall.

Everyone on the plane pretended not to notice as they each sat back and fell asleep, not having slept much themselves the previous night. JJ was watching the two men through half closed eyes and noticed that something had changed. There was a new depth of emotion between the two men and if she didn't know any better, she would say that Aaron Hotchner was in love with Spencer Reid. It was in the little things, the way he laid his hand on Spencer's shoulder, how he softly stroked the young man's hair and how he held Spencer when he stirred. She watched and was secretly happy for them. She'd only met Haley a few times but felt there was something false about the two of them. She knew Aaron cared very deeply for Haley, but he didn't always act like a man in love with his wife. JJ was anything but stupid. She had noticed how they had gone for coffee or lunch more often or sat closer to each other on the plane. Aaron's hand lingering on Spencer's shoulder when they worked on victimology or a geographic profile, hands 'accidentally' touching when passing files. It was only a matter of time before the other's noticed as well. She just hoped that this didn't end in disaster for the two of them. What she did know was that she would help to protect them. They were her family, and JJ would do anything for them.

* * *

><p>Don't worry, there will be a part two to this one. The Hankel story is a big one to tell, so I hope you didn't mind the length. I love pie, pie= reviews, give me some pie baby.<p> 


	6. The Fifth Time: Maybe the Last

**A/N: **This is continuing the part with Spencer spiraling into addiction and Aaron faces consequences to his affair.

* * *

><p>Aaron took Spencer home and no one argued. He got the young man settled in and comfortable, double checking the bandage around the foot and making sure Spencer was not putting too much pressure on it. Haley knew he was staying for a couple of days to make sure Spencer was going to be okay.<p>

They were tough days, Spencer started to feel the effects of withdrawal and Aaron had begged him to go to the hospital. Spencer continually refused, said that he could 'tough it out'. So, Aaron did the only thing he could, he held Spencer at night, helped him change sweaty clothes and massaged his painful aching muscles. Aaron also kept him hydrated and tried to get him to eat foods that would stay down. When Monday came Aaron had to leave early to get home so he could properly shower and change. Before heading into the office he stopped and checked in on Spencer one more time. The worst of the withdrawal seemed to be passing and Aaron kissed Spencer long and deep, hoping it would show his lover that he was there for him. Aaron told him to take the week off and either him or Morgan would come and check on him. Spencer protested saying he could take care of himself, but Aaron insisted.

A couple of days later Hotch came to check on the young man and Spencer seemed surprisingly better. Maybe the worst was over, thought Hotch, hoping for it to be true.

It was the same for Morgan, Spencer seemed to be doing better, and rather quickly. So Morgan left his best friend and hoped that Spencer would be able to get past this.

What neither man knew was that Spencer left in the early afternoon on Monday and found a supplier. By Monday afternoon he was high as a kite, trying to forget.

* * *

><p><em> Reid<em>_: It's the crime scene photos._

_ Morgan__: Crime scene photos?_

_ Reid__: The dead girls in the leaves._

_ Morgan__: Reid, we've seen worse._

_ Reid__: I know, I know we've seen worse, but for the first time I know, I look at them and, I look at them and I know what they were thinking, what they were feeling like right before..._

New York was tough. Spencer, several times during the day excused himself to the restroom, locking the door and stared at himself in the mirror. He stood there each time holding the vials, a war going on inside him. He knew he couldn't keep doing this to himself, but damn the craving, the feeling of euphoria when that sweet liquid was running through his veins. The problem? He was starting to seek out more, trying to find that first high that he experienced in that shack when Hankel first shot him up. He stared at his reflection, face gaunt and pasty, he knew he'd lost some weight, but was trying to hide it. His concentration was waning and he saw both Aaron and Gideon watching him. 'I need help' he told himself, but maybe, maybe just one more time. He knew he was taking too long, so he put the vials back in his bag and held off, at least for now. He walked back to the bullpen and saw Aaron staring at the map with the geographic profile.

"Are you alright?" Aaron asked with an edge to his voice.

"I'm, I'm fine why do you ask?" Spencer tried to keep his voice calm.

Aaron swallowed and looked to the side at Spencer. He knew, he knew Spencer was using again. He said in a quiet measured voice, "Because you're agitated, nervous, you keep zoning out. If you need help…"

"I don't. I'm fine, and seriously Aaron, how are you going to help me?" He moved closer to his boss and said in a dark sarcastic tone, "You going to fuck me again? Going to make me do what you want? Well I can't live like that…"

Aaron's face turned stony and he said just a quietly, but with a dangerous tone to his voice, "Spencer, this is not the time or the place. We have 5 dead girls and one missing. I just need to know you have your head in the game here".

"Yeah, I do, so if you'll back off and let me do this, you might get some more answers".

Aaron turned to say something to Spencer when he noticed the commotion at the station house door. From there on the case moved fairly quickly and they found Ally Hadley alive and they got the unsub in custody. They helped the police with paperwork, grabbing their own, the team was able to get on the plane and head towards home in the early afternoon.

Aaron was watching Reid with Morgan and saw the personal exchange, he was glad that Morgan was helping Reid, hopefully the older man might get through to him.

Gideon came to sit in front of Aaron, "He's strong, he'll get through this. We just have to let him".

Aaron looked hard at Jason, "I know how difficult addiction is Jason, I saw it with Sean, I see the signs with Reid. I don't think leaving him alone to deal with this by himself is the best thing".

"Hotch, like I said he's strong. I believe he'll get the help he needs. We should let him work it out".

Hotch just nodded his head, but deep down in his heart he knew Gideon was wrong. He just didn't know what to do about this. He turned away, telling Jason that the conversation was over.

* * *

><p><em>Prentiss<em>_: What is the matter with you?_

_Reid__: What do you mean, what's the matter with me?_

_Prentiss__: I have never seen you act like this._

_Reid__: Oh, really? In the months that you've known me, you've never seen me act this way? Hey, no offense, Emily, but you don't really know what you're talking about, do ya?_

The team got back home from Texas late. Aaron saw Reid stalk off towards his car and just watched as the young agent got out of there as fast as he could. He knew he was going to have to confront Reid about his attitude and the other obvious changes, though he had a sinking feeling he knew where it was coming from. He thought it best to confront Reid at his apartment rather than at the office. He really didn't want to get Strauss involved, there was already a certain tension between the two of them lately and he didn't want to pile this one on as well.

Aaron dropped off the case files at his desk, gathered some paperwork he was going to do at home in the morning and stopped at Spencer's apartment.

Aaron knocked, but there was no answer. So he knocked harder and said through the door"Reid… Spencer, let me in". Spencer stalked to the door and flung it open.

"What?"

Aaron settled his face into his office mask, he was not up to playing games tonight. "We need to talk".

"Do we? And what the fuck do we need to talk about?"

"For starters how about this attitude you've been throwing around lately, and do you really want to do this with me standing in the hallway?" Hotch glared at the young man, almost willing Spencer to let him in.

Reid opened the door further, but stalked off into the middle of his living room. Aaron, shut the door behind him and took three long strides over to Reid and before Spencer could react Hotch grabbed his right arm, pushed the shirt up to the elbow and confirmed his suspicions.

"Goddammit Spencer, what the hell are you doing?"

"None of your damn business," Reid glared at Hotch yanking his arm out of the older man's grasp.

Hotch stood with his legs apart, arms crossed over his chest and his best Unit Chief stare, "It is my business Reid, when you snap at other team members, zone out in the middle of briefings and tell someone that a potential serial killer could be loose in their shelter. Jason has already come to me asking if I knew what the hell was going on with you. I thought you were in a program".

"Why do you care? I'm just 'the boy genius' to Jason, and your sometime fuck buddy nothing more". Reid turned his back on Hotch, not wanting to see the hurt look on his lover's face.

"Spencer," Aaron said with anguish in his voice, "You know that isn't true. Spencer," Aaron walked-up behind Spencer and went to put his arms around the young man.

Reid spun away, "Don't fucking touch me Aaron". He violently pushed his Unit Chief away from him.

"Spencer, I thought you were getting help. What is going on, talk to me please," Aaron was practically begging for his lover to talk to him.

Reid's face was unreadable, Aaron thought he knew the young man inside and out, but this, this was a different Spencer Reid. "I don't want you Aaron". Spencer looked right in Aaron's face and he saw, anger, fear and pain all written there.

"Spencer, you don't mean that," Aaron's pulse was racing and his heart was beating too fast. Was Spencer ending things? What was going on?

"Oh, what you're telling me what I feel now? Don't you think I know how I feel?"

"Then talk to me Spencer, just…just talk to me, tell me what you feel".

Spencer gave out a short laugh, "You come to me only when something truly terrible happens, and I let you every damn time. Then you go off to your pretty little wife and your pretty little son in your expensive house and your seemingly perfect life and leave me behind," Spencer was angry, he stalked to his messenger bag and pulled out one of the vials of dilauded he constantly kept on him, "THIS," he shouts, "This helps me forget". Aaron didn't make a move, he was too stunned.

"What? What are you trying to forget, Hankel? Reid, what you went through can't be fixed with that. You need to talk to someone to help you let it go…"

Reid laughed and shook his head "That's not what it helps me forget. Don't you get it Aaron?"

"What are you saying to me Spence?" Aaron's heart was beating faster and his anxiety was rising. He felt he knew what Reid was going to say and he wanted nothing more than to stop his lover from saying it.

" It helps me forget that I love you and that you can't be bothered to make a goddamn choice. Well you know what Aaron? I'm making the choice, we're done".

"Spencer, please, please don't do this…"

"Then MAKE A FUCKING CHOICE Aaron because I can't be with you again and watch you walk out that door. I'm not your goddamn whore. Now, if you can't do that then please leave".

"Not yet. Spencer," Aaron made a move towards Reid who backed away, "Spencer, please I love you…"

"Then make your choice Aaron". Spencer said quietly and Aaron heard the pain and anguish in the young man's voice.

"I…" Aaron couldn't he couldn't choose between Spencer and Haley. He loved them both and it was driving him mad. He knew he was taking too long but he knew he couldn't give Spencer what he wanted.

"That's what I thought. Now, please leave".

"Not until you tell me you're going to get help," Aaron stalked up to Spencer, violently grabbed the vial out of his hand, then grabbed the messenger bag and dumped its contents. He found two more vials. "You need to stop this Reid. You don't need this, it could end your career and worse than that…" By sheer will Aaron was holding back his emotions. He wasn't going to breakdown at least not in front of Spencer. "You could die Spencer, please, if you don't want me, want us then fine I'll leave and we'll keep it professional from now on, but you need to get help". What Spencer couldn't see was just how much Aaron's heart was breaking.

"Give me those Aaron," Reid's heart was pounding and his pulse was beating wildly, he was afraid of what Aaron was going to do.

"No". Aaron walked to the sink in Spencer's kitchen, grabbed the hammer he knew was in one of the drawers, put the vials in the sink and proceeded to smash them.

"NO, What, what are you doing?" Reid ran up to try to stop Aaron, but the older man had held him at arm's length.

"Trying to save your damn life, get help Spencer. Now, I know you could walk out that door and seek out more, but I am begging you, don't please don't. Fine, you want to end this, fine, but think of JJ, think of Morgan, how do you think they would feel if you died because of this". Aaron held up one of the broken vials, hoping to get through to Spencer.

"Aaron, you need to leave". The two men looked at each other an obvious battle of wills was going on, "Now".

"Spencer…" Aaron saw the dark look that Spencer was giving him and he knew things were over. He didn't let Spencer see what this was doing to him, so he turned sharply and walked out the door. He left Spencer there hoping that he wouldn't go seek out his drug of choice. All the way back home Aaron denied how much this was killing him.

It was very late when he stalked in the house. He flung his coat and briefcase on the couch, grabbed the bottle of scotch and a glass and went to his office. He stripped off his jacket and tie, loosed his shirt and poured himself a generous amount of alcohol. He sat down hard in his office chair wanting nothing other than to get well and truly drunk.

Haley heard him come in. Aaron hadn't come upstairs yet so she waited a few more minutes then went to go look for him. She found him in his study with only the small desk light on and nursing a glass of scotch with a half full bottle next to him. Haley figured something happened, Aaron didn't usually like to get drunk. He'd had too many horrific encounters with a drunk father and Aaron usually held back.

"Aaron?" She stepped inside the office and went to turn on the light.

"Don't turn on the light," There was a dark edge to her husband's voice "Just go back to bed Haley, I'd really like to be alone right now".

"Aaron, what's going on? Was it a bad case?"

"Haley, please, just go back to bed".

"Are you coming up?"

"Eventually. Like I said I just need to be alone, please just…just go back to bed". Aaron was getting angry at his wife. He didn't want to see anyone, he just wanted to get drunk and not think. He didn't want to think about how he lost Spencer, how his indecision was hurting not only himself but the one person he loved more than anything. He just couldn't bring himself to leave Haley.

Haley was getting upset. This wasn't like Aaron so she knew something was going on.

"Not until you tell me what is going on". Her voice was hard edged and angry.

"Haley, now is really not the time".

Haley narrowed her eyes at Aaron and tried to think what could put her husband in this type of mood. Then it hit her, she said with venom in her voice, "This is about _him_ isn't it?"

Aaron quirked up a brow and tried to figure out how she knew, they'd been so careful, "Yes Aaron I know. I've known for a while, so don't play games, just admit it".

Aaron closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, "Haley…"

"Just don't lie to me anymore Aaron".

"Haley, can we talk about this later? I am not in the mood for games and I'd really like it if you left me alone right now". She knew she should back off, but she really wanted Aaron to admit what was going on.

"No Aaron, not until you tell me the goddamned truth".

"FINE," He yelled and threw the glass he was holding against the wall, smashing it completely. He hadn't meant to, but he was hurting and frustrated, "You want the truth? Yes I've been having a relationship with Spencer Reid. Is that what you want to hear?"

"Aaron, why? Just tell me why".

"It's complicated…"

"NO, it's not, are you in love with him?" Anger and pain was lacing every word.

"Haley…" Aaron was pleading with his wife not to ask any more questions.

"Oh my god, you are. You're in love with him". She turned away from him trying to hide the fact that she wanted to cry.

Aaron was resigned, now the two people he loved were both angry at him. He looked at Haley, eyes wet and shoulders slumped, "Yes. I love him, is that what you want to hear?"

Haley looked at Aaron with tears in her eyes, "Then you need to figure out what you want Aaron. If he's really what you want…I won't stand in your way".

"It doesn't matter now anyway, he ended things because I wouldn't choose between the two of you…"

"What are we going to do about this Aaron?"

He looked at his wife for the first time in a long time and realized something. Even though he loved Haley, he wasn't in love with her. He hadn't been for quite a while, but he wasn't going to watch Spencer slowly kill himself. So, for now at least, he was going to stay.

"I guess I'm staying, please Haley, just…just let me be alone right now". Haley saw how much Aaron was truly hurting, she wanted not to care, wanted to become the vindictive bitch, but she knew that wasn't going to help anyone. She also didn't want to hurt Jack. She knew how much Aaron loved his son, so she nodded her head, turned on her heel and left the room.

Hotch stalked off to get a new glass and poured himself more of the scotch and practically downed it in one go. After a while he laid on the couch in his office and tried to fall asleep.

Meanwhile, Spencer was passed out on his couch with a needle stuck in his arm and high on dilauded. Aaron hadn't found his hidden stash, and he just wanted to forget that he ended things with SSA Aaron Hotchner.

* * *

><p><em>Ethan<em>_: John Coltrane. He was a genius too. Died of cancer. But most people think it was the booze and the heroin that did him in._

_ Reid__: What are you trying to say?_

_ Ethan__: You look like hell._

_ Reid__: I'm fine._

_ Ethan__: Come on man, I'm a jazz musician in New Orleans, I know what it looks like when someone's not well. It's maybe the one time I can tell you something you don't already know. __[points at Reid's drink]__ It may make you forget, but it won't make it go away. And if I can tell... You're surrounded by some of the best minds in the world. If you think they don't notice...__[mimes trembling hands]__ well, for a genius, that's just dumb._

The team noticed not only that Reid was struggling, but they noticed that things had changed between Aaron and Reid. There were no more lingering touches and no more sitting close on the plane. Reid sat at the opposite end during briefings. They noticed no more lunch breaks together, no more spontaneous coffee breaks, no more dinners out together. No one wanted to comment, it wasn't their place but they noticed. Hotch was more intense, Reid was fidgety and agitated, though he tried to hide it well. So, the team just kept quiet. They saw that both men were hurting, but no one knew how to help them.

Aaron was finishing up the paperwork from the New Orleans case when Jason came in, sat down and waited.

"Jason, it's late, go home".

"I should be telling you that. Go home Aaron, to your family". Aaron turned dark stormy eyes on his senior profiler.

"Are you trying to tell me something Jason?"

"What's going on with you and Spencer?"

Aaron put down his pen, sat back, narrowed his eyes and stared stonily at his one-time boss, "Why do you ask that?"

"Did things…run their course?"

"How dare you…Jason, he's hurting, part of it is my fault, but we've left him twisting in the wind. Don't you think I know that he missed that plane on purpose? You're supposed to be his mentor, why aren't you helping him?"

"He said he won't miss another plane. He loves the job too much".

Aaron laughed a little, "Jason, he's an addict and it is starting to show through. He is not just going to 'get over it'. You care about him? Then help me to help him".

"He can handle it. I believe in him, maybe you should to Aaron". Gideon got up and walked out the door. Aaron looked after him and wondered if Jason knew just how wrong he was. Reid needed help and Aaron hoped that soon he'd ask for it.

* * *

><p><em> Det. Castro<em>_: Okay, this scumbag has issues. We all get it. But why fire?_

_ Reid__: He's, uh, like a drug addict. Only fire's his drug, and each time an addict needs a fix, they need more of the drug to get off. So his crimes will most likely get much worse. Be almost impossible for him to quit without help._

_ Hotch__: Thank you very much._

Aaron looked down at Reid as he was giving his part of the profile and thought, 'and there it is, finally'. He wanted to put a hand on Reid's shoulder to tell him he understood, but he didn't. He didn't think Reid would want his touch, but he tried to convey with a nod that he understood.

Later that night Hotch watched in horror as the building with Evan Abby in it blew up. He knew there was nothing he could do, but it didn't stop him from wanting to try. Through all of his pain, all of his frustrations of the last few months he was able to identify on some level with Abby and felt like he failed the man. Morgan and Gideon had to hold him back from running into a dangerous gas fire and he felt helpless.

"He wanted his death to mean something". Aaron's mask fell, his emotions leaked through and he didn't know what to do with it.

When they got back to the station Aaron was just sitting at the conference room table trying to understand the events of the last couple of days. The fire captain gave him a letter from Abby which Aaron put aside for the time being. He finished up at the fire station then headed into the FBI offices. He didn't really want to go home yet and he didn't want to talk to anyone, so he closed his door, turned down the blinds and sat there staring at the paperwork to be filled out to put this case to rest.

After a few minutes he heard a soft knock on the door, but ignored it. He heard it again and figured that whoever it was wasn't going away. "Come in", he said resignedly. He expected it be Jason, but it wasn't. When he turned around and looked up he saw Spencer.

"Spencer…"

"Aaron, can I…can I come in?" The young man was tentative and shy around him lately.

Aaron sighed, "Alright, but Spencer I really…"

Spencer smiled and walked over to Hotch's desk and placed a coin in the middle of Aaron's desk. Hotch picked it up and turned it around several times in his hand.

"This is a 24 hour commitment coin," Aaron looked at Reid and a small smile graced his lips.

"I'm uh, I'm trying. You were right, it's killing me and I made all kinds of excuses. So, I just wanted you to know. I thought you could…I don't know you looked like you could use a little bit of good news".

"Spencer," Aaron breathed a sigh, "Sit down, please". Spencer came in the room and took a seat across from Aaron's desk. Aaron handed the coin back to Spencer, "You should keep this. It'll help remind you of what you started".

"Aaron, I'm sorry for the things I said, you know, after Texas…" Reid swallowed hard, he knew it was going to be difficult, he just hadn't realized how difficult.

"No, don't apologize, you had every right. But Spencer, I wasn't…I hadn't meant…." Aaron closed his eyes and let his head fall into his hands, he wasn't sure what it was he was trying to say. He cleared his throat and looked at the man he still loved, but couldn't have, "I never meant to make you feel like you were some kind of, you know…I'm sorry Spencer".

"I'm sorry too. Can we…can we just go back to being friends again? I miss being your friend".

Aaron smiled a genuine smile, the kind where his dimples showed through and it made Spencer's heart flutter. Before Aaron knew what was happening Spencer came behind Aaron's desk and kissed him. It was a slow, gentle, sweet kiss and Aaron's heart skipped a beat. When Spencer pulled back he felt the loss, but at the same time his world righted just a little.

"Aaron, that doesn't mean I want things to go back to the way they were, but every once-in-a-while, I'd like to reserve the right to kiss you. Kiss you just enough, enough to know that the world isn't spinning out of control".

Aaron's mouth quirked in a playful smile, "I'd like that".

Spencer made good on his promise and there appeared a coin on Aaron's desk, it was 30 days this time. Each time Spencer left a coin, Aaron would keep it for the day then give it back to the young man at the end of the day, where they would make good on their reservation of a kiss. And so some small things returned, the gentle pats on the shoulder, the extra coffee breaks, lunches out together. It started slow but the team noticed. They noticed that Spencer and Aaron were back on even footing, back to being friends and they were finally all healing, together, as a family.

The only one who stood apart, was Jason. Since Hankel Jason hadn't found his footing, and slowly, day after day, unsub after unsub it was chipping away at him. He didn't express his feelings, he was a little too much like Hotch in that respect, but he was pulling away, he didn't let the very people that cared about him help him. He felt a change coming and he hoped he was prepared for whatever consequences lay ahead.


	7. A New Beginning

**Thank you all so much for all of your reviews, follows and favorites. To The Celt **I am so glad you are liking the series. There will be more to come. This one is a little bit of fluffy comfort. You guys deserve it after the last two chapters. Hope you guys enjoy, and as always if there is a particular episode you'd like to see me play off of feel free to comment with the name of the episode.

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><p><strong>A NEW BEGINNING<strong>

Spencer had excused himself from the group, he said he wanted to go back to laying down for just a bit. There was another knock. Spencer was getting anxious there were too many people now. JJ noticed that he was crashing again. 'Oh God he hasn't been taking his enzyme's' So she followed him into the bedroom. The team knew about Spencer's chronic migraines and if he didn't keep up his vitamin and enzyme regimen highly emotional and stressful situations could cause him to crash. As gently as she could JJ asked Spencer, "Spence, did you take your enzyme's today? Today of all days…" The look Reid gave her said to back off. "Okay, okay why don't you lay down?If you want us to leave…"

"No, no don't leave. Not yet. I thought I wanted to be alone, but…but now that everyone's…"

He was cut off by a familiar voice. One he hadn't heard in quite a while. He got up off the bed and went into the living room and saw her. He didn't think she'd been able to make it and he was immensely grateful she had.

"Emily," He said, almost under his breath. She didn't hesitate, she quickly covered the distance between them and gathered Spencer in her arms and just said quietly in his ear, "I'm so sorry, I am so, so sorry". Spencer tried to hold it in, tried not to cry, but having Emily in his arms, he silently let go.

JJ saw the shaking shoulders but didn't say anything. She moved into Jack's room to check on Jack and the other children. She moved to sit next to the young man and thought, not for the first time, how much he looked just like Aaron. "Hey Jack, are you okay?"

He looked at JJ with sad lost eyes, "No Aunt Jayje, I'm not. I don't know how to help Papa Spence, let alone Sasha".

"Jack, you don't have to know. You don't have to pretend to be strong; it's okay to fall apart sometimes. Your Dad wouldn't have thought any less of you".

"Why'd he do it Aunt Jayje? Why'd he go out there that day? He didn't need to".

JJ took a deep breath and looked Jack in the eye, "Because he couldn't do any less. He was a field agent for so long, it was ingrained in him. This case was tough and he thought it was unfair to ask his agents to go out there and put their lives on the line when he was behind a desk".

Jack looked angry, "So he didn't think. He didn't think about me, didn't think about Sasha, for god sakes she's only ten, and he damn well didn't think about Papa".

"Jack…I can't tell you what he did was right or wrong and I heard they argued about it. Spencer didn't want him out there, but your Dad…well you know how stubborn he could be. Jack, nothing I say will bring him back to you, but everyone is here for you. Even after we leave today, we aren't gone. Any one of us will be there".

"I know Aunt Jayje," Just then Spencer and Emily came in the room too. JJ moved off to the side to give room and Emily gathered the young man in her arms and held him on one side while Spencer sat down and held him from the other.

"I'm so sorry Jackers. I didn't mean to leave you alone. I love you buddy, you know that right?"

Jack pulled out of Emily's embrace and grabbed at Spencer, and held on. The one thought that ran through his head was _please don't take this parent from me too_, but he didn't say anything, just let the tears fall as he held on to his Papa Spence.

* * *

><p><em>Hotch<em>_: __[to Reid]__ Morgan says you're worried about Gideon._

_Reid__: I keep on calling him, he doesn't call back._

_Hotch__: He's probably at his cabin. That's where he goes when he... needs to get away. Reid, I need your head in this._

_Reid__: I know._

He's gone. Spencer couldn't believe that Jason Gideon was gone that he left without saying goodbye to anyone, to him. That he left Hotch hanging, answering the questions he should have answered. Reid found the letter and read it and re-read it, but it still didn't explain, not really and Reid was confused and angry. He grabbed the letter and the badge and gun that were left behind, got behind the wheel of his car and just sat there. He didn't want to go home, but he didn't know what else to do. Unconsciously he picked up his phone and sent Hotch a text, _he's gone_ was all he typed, hoping that Hotch would understand.

Hotch walked in the door and called out for his wife, but all he saw was a darkened house. He went to their bedroom and saw the empty drawers and the empty closet. He went to Jack's room and saw the same thing. He walked back to the bedroom and there it was, a note addressed to him. It simply said that Haley had gone to her sisters and she didn't think she was coming back, not as long as Aaron was still with the BAU. He was sitting on the bed staring at the note when he felt his phone vibrate, _it better not be another damn case_ is all he thought. When he looked down he saw it was a text from Spencer and all it said was _he's gone. _Aaron closed his eyes and sighed and knew Jason wasn't coming back. This made him more than angry. There was a lot he needed to answer for and he left Hotch there to do it himself. When he looked back down at the message Aaron sent a text back, _so is she_.

Spencer couldn't say what he felt when he got Aaron's reply, and it might have been irresponsible of him to do what he wanted, but dammit, they both we're hurting. So, he sent a text back, _do you want me to come over?_

Aaron looked down at the text and swallowed. The last time they went down this road they both ended up hurting each other. What they had now was precious and Aaron wasn't sure if he wanted to ruin the hard won friendship they were cultivating. Before he realized it though he sent his reply, _please, _dammit, he thought. This was not a smart idea.

Spencer swallowed hard when he saw the reply. He didn't hesitate though. He pulled out of Gideon's driveway and raced back to DC, to Aaron. And he thought the whole way there that this was probably not a smart idea.

He pulled into Aaron's driveway a couple of hours later and hesitated. It was late, really late and he wasn't sure if Aaron was still going to be up. _Maybe I should just go home_. He started to turn the car on and leave when his phone beeped, _don't go. Please?_ He saw the text, looked up at the house and saw Aaron standing at the window to one of the bedrooms. Spencer got out of his car, grabbed his go bag, not really sure why, and knocked on the front door.

Aaron opened the door and let Spencer in. The two men were shy and tentative around each other, "Do you want something to drink?" Aaron finally broke the silence.

"Um, sure, whatever you've got".

Aaron gestured Reid to follow him and led him to the small room that was set-up like a den. There was a bar in one corner and Aaron moved behind it to pour the two of them something strong. "I have Bourbon, Scotch or Cognac," Aaron hadn't taken the time lately to re-stock and they hadn't entertained in quite a while so choices were low.

"Scotch will be fine". Aaron poured them both a glass and handed one to Spencer. The silence was deafening, neither man knew what to say. They both were sipping their drinks and the tension was becoming unbearable. Finally Spencer couldn't take it anymore.

"Why the hell did he leave Aaron? Did he think we wouldn't understand? That we would somehow think less of him if he had another breakdown? Why? I don't understand".

Aaron took a deep breath before he spoke, "Spencer, I don't either, but can I be completely honest with you?"

Spencer furrowed his brow, "Of course".

"I don't think Gideon should have come back after Boston. I know, I know he had six months to recover, but he wasn't the same afterwards. I knew it, Morgan knew it and Strauss was constantly on my ass about him. I was too loyal to him when I wrote my assessment. In all honesty, I should have recommended retirement. But I didn't and that is on me".

"Wow, you never told me that, never told anyone that".

"And look where it got me. I let him do things that I knew were dangerous or wrong, things I should have countermanded or intervened before they went too far. His actions almost got an innocent woman killed when he antagonized an unsub, Elle was shot because of that press conference, he got you killed…" Aaron suddenly knocked back the rest of his drink and went to pour some more. Spencer got up and moved around the bar, stilled Aaron's hands from pouring more alcohol, took the older man's face in his hands and gently kissed him. The kiss was soft and passionate and all Aaron wanted to do was fall completely into his beautiful genius.

When Spencer pulled back he laid his forehead on Aaron's, "Aaron, I'm still here and each day I'm getting better. It wasn't your fault, it wasn't Gideon's, it was a tortured young man who never really had a chance. I'm not going anywhere, okay?" He reached up and stroked his thumb along Aaron's cheek, staring at the man he still and always would love.

Aaron reached up and gently grabbed Spencer's hand, "Spence, I really don't think that's a good idea". He closed his eyes and schooled his swirling emotions. He wanted nothing more in that moment than to take Spencer Reid, his beautiful genius, to bed.

"We don't have to do anything Aaron, we can just comfort each other".

_This is so not a good idea, _but Aaron knew he didn't want Spencer to leave. He took the young man's hand and led him to the guest room. He wasn't so crass as to be with Spencer in his marriage bed. They stripped and laid down together under the cool soft sheets, Aaron pulled the young man to him, relishing the feel of Spencer in his arms.

They lay there all night, talking, kissing and caressing each other but it never went further. Though both men wanted more, neither was ready to push their friendship back into lover's territory. For now, they relished the comfort that touch alone could give them.

Aaron could almost hear the swirl of thoughts going through Reid's mind, "She didn't leave because of you Spencer. She left because she doesn't understand, because I couldn't make her understand".

Reid waited to see if Hotch would elaborate, when he didn't Reid prompted him, "Understand what?"

"She doesn't understand how much being a Profiler and working at the BAU means to me. It started before Jack, but it was subtler. After Jack was born she would practically growl at me when the phone rang. I saw the signs, and I tried, but…"

"I'm sorry Aaron. I know how much Haley means to you".

"I guess everything was too much for her. I'm not excusing myself, I can't say I was perfect but I tried". Aaron got quiet and pulled Spencer closer so that his head cradled on Aaron's chest. Aaron was softly stroking the long messy soft hair and sighed.

"I think she was having an affair," Aaron said to no one in particular. Reid raised a brow and let out a chuckle. The irony was not lost on him.

"I know, the irony is not lost on me. I have no right to get angry about it. Haley and I both made mistakes. Maybe we were too young, maybe I'm too ambitious, I don't know maybe we wouldn't have lasted forever, especially since…." He wasn't going to say it. He didn't want to make the same mistakes with Spencer he had before.

"Especially since what?" Spencer thought he knew, but he wasn't going to make it easy for the older man.

Aaron closed his eyes, "I love you Spencer, and sometimes I don't know what to do with it. I thought if I didn't have to decide…" He let out a cynical laugh, "Then I could have it all. I know, it's selfish, but I wanted to be selfish".

"Aaron, I love you too and sometimes I don't know what to do with it either. But.."

"But what?"

"Is it smart?"

Aaron smiled that smile, the one that made Reid's heart stop, "No, it isn't. But I don't care". He kissed Spencer on the forehead, but didn't push the young man. With how vulnerable they were both feeling, sex was the last thing they should be engaging in. Both men grew silent and Reid started fidgeting a little. Aaron smiled down at the man in his arms. He could always see the constant swirling of thoughts in the young man's head.

Reid's mind wandered and he said, out of the blue, "You know that Garcia still is hurt over Gideon calling her stupid?"

Aaron frowned, this was a really random statement, but he went with it,"You never told me that. That's something else I need to make amends for. I should have stood up to Gideon. Her actions were stupid, but Penelope Garcia is not."

Reid's mind was skipping around again, "Aaron, I know I have no right to ask, your wife just left and now I'm feeling a bit…selfish". Spencer looked up at his Unit Chief with a mischievous smile on his face.

Aaron narrowed his eyes at the young man, "What?"

"When the dust settles, for both of us, can I ask you out? On a date?"

Aaron sat up and looked at Spencer, "Spencer, do you…do you want to pursue this? Whatever this is between us? You know that there are a lot of complications…."

Reid smiled, "Shhhh, Aaron, we'll just take it slow, but yeah I want to find out what this is. I love you and I think we need to figure this out, one way or another".

Aaron contemplated for a moment, "Okay, when the dust settles, okay. Reid?"

Spencer smiled at Aaron's use of his office name, "Yeah Hotch?"

"I love you too". With that Aaron lay back down pulling Spencer to him again, stroking the young man's back as Spencer curled into his lover's side. With contented sighs they fell asleep in each other's arms, both hoping for a possible future together.

* * *

><p>Hotch hadn't had time to talk to Garcia, but his conversation with Reid was never far from his mind. The team had two difficult cases back to back and Garcia, as always, gave them what they needed to find their unsub. After they got back and paperwork was filed and the cases put to rest, Hotch knew he wanted to try to make amends.<p>

He got to Garcia's lair and knocked on the door, "Garcia, can we talk a moment?"

"Umm sure bossman, what, what is it?"

"I know I don't tell you enough, and sometimes when we are out in the field I get tunnel vision. Something I accused Jason of many times, but it happens to me to. I just want to say that you are a valuable member of this team and more than once have I been grateful that you took me up on my offer".

Garcia looked at Aaron with wide eyes and mouth open, "Sir, I'm just doing what you pay me for…"

Hotch smiled, "No, I've worked with many analysts over the years and what you give to this team is more than information. Your witty retorts and your bright smile, it's what we sometimes need. I'm often saddened that you have to see the images you do because I never want to dim that bright spark that helps us out there".

"Hotch, you're my suit, Morgan's my chocolate Adonis, Reid is my baby genius, Emily is my dark goddess and JJ is my partner in crime. You're my family. I know it's not fair to the other teams in my care, but you guys, well it's my Island of misfit toys". Garcia turned to her knickknacks and picked up her toy version of the Bumble from the Rudolph TV special. She looked at her Unit Chief and smiled handing it to him, "I think you need this more than I do".

He took it, and had a slightly confused look on his face, "I came in here to comfort and talk to you and you turn around and give me this?"

She walked up to Hotch with a bemused expression on her face, "Someone left this team slightly broken and you are keeping us all together, this is to remind you that we don't break easy. We may be misfits, but you, bossman, keep us going".

Hotch graced her with one of his rare warm smiles, "Thank you, Penny. One more thing…" He took a moment to gather his thoughts.

"What?"

"I will never let anyone tell you that you're stupid again, because Penelope Garcia, you are not stupid, and you have more than made up for your mistakes. I know Jason hurt you and I'm sorry".

"Oh," Garcia looked at her boss and wasn't ashamed of the tears that gathered in her eyes. She closed the distance between her and Hotch and gathered him in her arms for a hug, "I don't care if this is inappropriate, you just made my night". She broke away after a few seconds, then looked up at Hotch, "Go home, go home and take care of my baby genius". She winked at Hotch and started to walk away.

"Penny?"

"Oh Hotch, you forget, I am the master of love and you two might be good at hiding it, but I'm better". She smiled a mischievous smile.

"Well, whatever you think you know, please keep it between us. We're…"

"Don't worry. You're secret it safe with me. Now go home Hotch". Again he gave her his megawatt smile, shook his head, turned around to head home but not before saying, "Night Penelope".

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><p>All you my lovely readers have been so awesome, all your reviews, follows and faves is what keeps me writing this series. Reviews are my pie, and I do love my pie.<p> 


	8. Second Time Around

**SECOND TIME AROUND**

Someone else had come to the house, this time it was Kate and her husband Chris. The others told her Reid was with the children so she held off going to him till he was ready.

Reid was still wrapped up with his children, while the other kids were playing video games, "Papa, can we…" Jack frowned,_ Just like his father_, Reid thought and a small smile escaped his lips as he brushed a stray hair out of the young man's face.

"What is it Jack?"

"I'd like to look at the wedding album," He looked sheepishly at Spencer, "That is, if it's okay". He said quietly.

Spencer smiled and had a better idea, "Jack, do you want to watch the video?" And, for some reason Spencer really wanted to watch it. He knew it would hurt, but it had been a day of joy and right now he wanted to remember that day. He knew that Aaron wouldn't want him to grieve like he is, but the pain was just too much and it went too deep.

"I'd love that, only if…"

Spencer smiled at his son, "I do Jack. I really, really do".

Emily was still there with them and she turned to Spencer, "Are you sure Reid?" She wanted to make sure that Spencer really was okay with this.

"Yeah, Emily, I'm sure". He smiled at her, then got up and walked into the living room. Jack got his sister and the other kids and gathered them in front of the couch. Spencer pulled the DVD out of their collection and went to put it on.

Morgan was watching the whole time confused as to what was going on, "Emily?"

"Just, Reid and Jack need this right now. Come on". Morgan frowned, and everyone sensed something special was about to happen so they all gathered in the living room.

Spencer sat in the middle of the couch with Jack on one side and Sasha on the other. He had the remote in his hand and pressed play. When everyone saw what it was that Spencer put on, their hearts broke just a little.

The introduction came up, "_The Wedding of Doctor Spencer Reid and Aaron Hotchner, This day Sunday, February 14__th__ 2016" _Spencer looked on remembering every detail of that day, down to the color of socks Aaron was wearing. He missed nothing. He was smiling, but the tears began to slide down silently. He felt Jack move in closer and put his head on his Papa's shoulder and Sasha moved closer to put her arms around Spencer's waist. Hands gripped his arms and shoulders as the team gathered behind him and Henry scooted to sit in between his legs. Again his friends, no, his family was cocooning him in love and friendship.

By the time the wedding vows were being said, there was not a dry eye in the room, and each one was listening to the words these two men had said to each other on that very special day.

"Spencer, our story began the day I met you in an FBI classroom as you dazzled fellow students and frustrated your teachers because you really did know more than them. That day I knew you were meant for the team, but little did I realize that you were also meant for me. We had many starts and stops, many obstacles but we would always find each other in the end. I made a promise to you that terrible day in Georgia that I would always find you, no matter what and I hope I've kept my promise. I love you Spencer Reid, and I promise you this is our final beginning, this is our forever". Spencer felt his friend's hands comforting him.

"Aaron, I told you once that I have always loved you, and it's true. I never thought you had felt the same and when you told me you did, it was the happiest and saddest day of my life. Happy because the man I loved, loved me too, saddest because at the time we couldn't have our happy-ever after. You were there for me in my darkest hours and even though I pushed you away at times, you never gave up on me, and you always found your way back to me. My heart has always been yours Aaron, and it always will be, after you, there will never be another. I give you my love, I give you my trust and I give you my heart. This is our forever".

Spencer had promised himself that he wasn't going to cry watching this, but he couldn't help it. When the ceremony came to the part where he had also promised himself to Jack, and they made the announcement that Spencer had formally adopted Jack, everyone in the room was wiping their eyes.

"And I've never regretted it," Jack said quietly in Spencer's ear. They watched through the rest of the ceremony and the party afterwards. The wedding had taken place at Rossi's, it was intimate and beautiful. It had become something of a team tradition after Will and JJ's surprise wedding all those years ago. When it came to the end, the last shot was that of Aaron framing Reid's face in his hands and kissing his husband, lovingly and passionately. No one moved, no one said anything. They were all under the spell of the love story of Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid.

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><p><em>Hotch: It was smart to get Hardwicke to focus on himself long enough for the guards to come back.<em>

_Reid: I find I do some of my best work under intense terror._

_ Hotch: I'm sorry._

_ Reid: For what?_

_ Hotch: I antagonized the situation._

_ Reid: No you didn't._

_ Hotch: Well I certainly didn't help._

_ Reid: Yeah, I guess you didn't really help._

_ Hotch: So Haley wants me to sign the divorce papers uncontested so nobody wastes money on lawyers._

_ Reid: You don't want to?_

_ Hotch: What I want I'm not going to get._

Reid sat back and contemplated what it was that Hotch just told him. "And what is it you want?"

Hotch took a deep breath and looked over at Reid, "Too much".

They drove the rest of the way back to the FBI offices in silence each man reflecting on the things that they wanted. For now they wouldn't say to each other what it was they truly wanted. They got back while it was still early in the evening, the rest of the team had also come back from Indianapolis and everyone was working on their respective case files.

Reid kept looking up at Hotch's office and noticed the moment that Hotch had signed the papers. He chose that moment to go up to take his reports for Hotch to sign off on. When he passed them over their fingers lightly touched and Hotch smiled a tiny smile.

"Do you, ah want to get some dinner?" Reid raised his brows and pursed his lips waiting to see what his unit chief would say.

"Is this you asking me out on that date?" Hotch looked up at Reid with a slight bemused smile.

"Nope, not yet, but you look like you could use some company. That is, if you want…"

"Reid," Hotch cut off the young man before he could go off on a tangent.

"Yes Hotch?"

"I'd love to. I don't feel like going to my apartment right away anyway".

Reid smiled, "Okay, I'll ah, I'll just wait for you to finish up then".

"I shouldn't be too late". Hotch nodded his head towards Reid and the young agent went back to his desk to work on some of the consults he had put aside.

Just as Hotch was getting back to his work there was a knock on his door. He looked up to see Dave standing there.

"Do you need something Dave?"

Rossi walked in and sat down across from Hotch, "I've noticed something unusual around here Aaron".

"Oh? What is that?"

"Well two people I care a lot about seem to be, shall we say, involved. Now at first I was taken aback by this realization, but after observing for a while I see it, I really do".

"Dave, are you asking me something?"

Dave quirked up his lips in a half smile, "Aaron, I can see that you obviously care very deeply for a certain someone, but I have to say that I'm quite surprised by it".

Hotch sat back in his chair looking at Dave with his customary frown on his face, "What is it you want to say Dave. It's usually not like you to beat around the bush".

Dave got up and closed the office door to afford the two some privacy, "You and Dr. Spencer Reid seem to have a _very_ close relationship". Dave quirked up his brow and had a bit of a smile on his face.

"Are you asking if we are seeing each other?"

"Are you, Aaron?"

Hotch sighed, he decided that David Rossi, unlike Jason Gideon would better understand, "Yes, we are. It's, complicated but…"

"But nothing Aaron, I see the two of you together and I can tell you make each other happy. Actually, I have a feeling you are happier with Spencer than you ever truly were with Haley".

Hotch frowned at his friend's revelation, "What do you mean? I tried to make it work with Haley. I did love her very much".

"Yes, you'd call her 10 times a day sometimes, but Aaron you were always a little bit guarded with Haley, like you were trying to be someone else. I sometimes wondered if you were happy because _she_ was. Now, with Spencer I see that _you_ actually are happy".

"Look, we're trying to keep it very professional at work…"

"I'm not talking work Aaron, I'm talking when I see you talking on the plane, or walking each other to your cars, the few times we've all gone out to have a drink together, or when we're at dinner you're more relaxed around Spencer, you smile more and you worry about him more. But I have to tell you, I'm surprised. I would never have guessed you with another man".

"Well, you don't know everything about me Dave, despite thinking you do". Hotch smiled a full bright smile. "Are you giving me your blessing, Dad?"

"Hey now, there's no need for that. But seriously Aaron, how long have you known?"

Hotch was in a playful mood all of a sudden, the divorce papers set aside and forgotten for the time being, "Known what?" He was certainly not going to make this easy on his friend.

"You're not going to make this easy on me are you?"

"Nope".

"How long have you known that you were, gay? Bisexual? Not sure which…"

Hotch laughed at the older man's discomfort, "Stop, I'll put you out of your misery. I'm bisexual Dave. I knew pretty early on. Needless to say, it was one of my father's…issues with me". Dave knew about Aaron's family life and it always made him angry to think that this strong, intelligent yet sensitive man had grown up knowing fear and pain.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry…"

Hotch full out laughed at that, "That is precisely what you meant to do. Don't forget I know you David Rossi. And, please for now keep this quiet. We had some issues last year, yes before you ask it started when Haley and I were still married. We're trying to find our footing again with each other, but the rest of the team doesn't know".

"Are you so sure about that? They are some of the best profilers I've ever worked with. Don't you think that sooner or later they are going to pick-up on something?"

"I know and we'll tell them when we're ready. Keeping off of Strauss's radar is the one that's going to be tough".

"If it comes to that, you let me worry about Erin".

"You know I really wish you'd tell me what it exactly is you have on her".

"Maybe someday, now take that young man out to dinner and for god sake's Aaron smile".

Hotch just shook his head as his friend left his office humming "_That's Amore_" under his breath.

* * *

><p>It was about an hour later and Hotch was ready to leave, Spencer was still at his desk working on those neglected consults. Aaron came up behind him and whispered in his ear, "Are you ready Spencer?" He heard the sharp intake of breath from Spencer and knew just what the young agent was thinking.<p>

"Yeah, yeah, just let me get my stuff". Spencer quickly gathered his things and slung his satchel across his body and was ready to head out the door.

"What would you like to eat?" Hotch looked over and saw Spencer's eyes darken and his pulse quicken.

"Um, I ah, I could go for Italian?" Spencer was remembering how feral Hotch looked in that small room with Hardwicke and he was having a very hard time keeping his composure.

"Sounds good, and I know just the place," Aaron pulled up to a very nice, but intimate restaurant. He got out and before Spencer could open his door, Aaron had it open for him.

Spencer smiled, "I thought I told you this wasn't a date".

"Hmmm, and what if I want it to be," They stared at each other for a minute seeing hope and love reflected back in each other's eyes. Spencer climbed out and Aaron took the young man in his arms and kissed him, possessively and passionately.

Spencer raised his hand and caressed Aaron's cheek, while returning the kiss. He broke off after a minute, breathless and panting, "God I missed that". Even though they had shared stolen kisses over the last few months, they were careful, this, though was love and passion all mixed together.

"Come on, let's eat". Aaron, not afraid to show his affection, grabbed Spencer's hand and led him inside the restaurant.

The host sat them at an intimate table in the corner and Aaron ordered a bottle of 2004 Kabinett Riesling for the two of them, "I hope you don't mind," He asked as he handed the waiter the wine menu.

"Not at all, whatever sounds good to you".

"Hmmm, that is a dangerous statement Dr. Reid," Hotch looked at Spencer with that same feral look he had given Hardwicke and Spencer's face immediately flushed deep red.

"Hotch, what ah, what's gotten into you tonight?" Spencer looked wide-eyed at his unit chief.

"Spencer, I've been putting off wanting you till I figured out what was going on with Haley. I don't want to wait anymore Spencer, I want you. I want you in my bed and I want you in my life. I want the team to know about us and I want to talk to Haley about us. I want all of that Spencer".

Spencer's breath was shallow and his hands were shaking. He knew he wanted all of that too, but this was sudden, for god sake's he just signed the divorce papers. "Aaron, I want all of that too, but don't you think this is all a little fast? I mean you just signed your divorce papers".

Aaron quirked up his brows, "Spencer, really? We've been dancing around each other for months now. I know that two years ago I started this relationship badly…"

"Aaron, stop. We started, I could have said no at any time…"

"You did, and you had every right to. I wasn't making a choice and I hurt both of you. I think…" He got quiet a moment, picked-up his wine and took a sip.

"You think what?"

"I think when I made the decision to meet you guys in Milwaukee, I was subconsciously making my choice. Haley and I hadn't been on the same page for a long time. I told you once that she doesn't understand my work, and after Gideon left, she wanted me to change, but I can't change Spencer. I told her that the BAU is part of who I am and I don't think she'll ever get that. You, you understand me, you understand that the BAU, the Team, it's not just a job".

"Aaron, you'll never have to explain it to me". He looked at Aaron with love and understanding in his eyes. He didn't know what else to say, his heart was too full and he didn't want to say something foolish. So he pretended to look down at the menu, even though he had already memorized it.

Hotch was watching the young genius and knew Spencer's mind was going a mile a minute. He changed seats so that he was sitting caddy corner, instead of right across from his lover. He laid a hand on Spencer's thigh, which made the young genius look up. Hotch at the moment didn't care if anyone was looking. He reached up and laid a hand on Spencer's cheek, "Spencer".

He turned to look at Hotch, "Yes?"

Hotch ran his thumb along Spencer's cheek bone, "it will always be you. No matter what happens, no matter what life throws at us, it will always be you, I love you". He then moved in slowly and pressed soft kisses to Spencer's soft full lips. When he pulled back Spencer felt the loss, but his heart was overflowing.

"I love you too Aaron". They just looked at each other not saying anything.

The waitress came up to the table and gently cleared her throat, "Are you ready to order?" She smiled at the two men and patiently waited.

Spencer looked at her with furrowed brow, he cleared his throat and said, "I'll ah have the chicken piccata with the angel hair pasta". He smiled at her as he gave her the menu.

"And you sir?"

Aaron gave her one of his mega-watt smiles and said, "I'll have the pesto ravioli. And can we start with the burrata, prosciutto and olive plate?"

"Of course. It will take a few minutes but I will be right out with that".

They sat for a while in companionable silence, sipping their wine when a smile crept up on Spencer's face. He slowly shook his head to clear the very steamy thoughts he was having.

"What are you thinking over there Spencer?"

"Just,ah, having some very wicked thoughts". He looked at Aaron with flushed cheeks.

"Oh, and what wicked thoughts are you having?" Aaron looked at him with a playful smile on his face.

"Well, I was just wondering what would happen if I ah…" He picked-up his wine and took a long drink to slake his suddenly dry throat.

"Spencer, what were you wondering?"

Spencer leaned into Hotch and whispered in his ear, "I was wondering what it would be like to slide under this table and take you right here and now".

Aaron moved close in and whispered back, "I just might like that".

Spencer's eyes went wide and he looked into the lust blown eyes of his unit chief. He looked around the restaurant and it wasn't full, not at this time of night, and the table cloth just brushed the floor. When he noticed that no one was watching he turned to Aaron, "You have to be quiet". And he silently slid down underneath the table.

Aaron was taken aback that Spencer was actually doing this and when he felt his zipper being pulled down and his very hard erection being let loose from his pants he tried not breathe in too sharply. When Spencer's lips enveloped him he tried his hardest not to moan to loudly. Part of him wanted to stop Spencer, but the wicked side of him didn't. Then when he felt those lips sliding slowly up and down his cock he thought he was going to lose it right then and there. When he felt Spencer's tongue licking the throbbing vein his hand snaked under the table and he stroked the soft curly hair.

"Can I get you any water sir?" The waitress had come up to check on them. Spencer, feeling wicked, chose that moment to scrape his teeth lightly along Aaron's shaft.

Aaron cleared his throat and said, "Yes, please some water would be great".

"I'll be back in a moment, and your appetizer is coming out in just a couple of minutes".

Aaron fisted his hand in Spencer's hair and pushed his face further onto his cock, "Thank you," he said, but what he thought was _fucking hell, I'm getting my appetizer right now,_ he moved his hips almost imperceptibly, lightly thrusting in his lover's mouth.

Spencer took all of Aaron in at once and started to suck harder, hallowing his cheeks, keeping up a smooth fast rhythm.

The waitress came with waters for the table and asked if his friend was okay, "Yeah, he ah he just needed to go make a phone call".

"Okay, well, if you need anything I'll be right over there," The waitress moved off.

Aaron felt the orgasm building as Spencer was moving faster, he started to drink some of the water to help stifle the scream that wanted to escape his lips as he came long and hard down Spencer's throat. After a few seconds Spencer peaked out from under the table cloth and saw that no one was looking, so he made his move and got back up in his chair. He had a wicked grin on his face as he picked-up his wine and slowly sipped it, never taking his eyes off of Aaron's.

"Fucking hell Spencer," Aaron said under his breath, "That was hot. God, Haley would never have done anything like that". His eyes widened at what he just said, "Oh my god Spence I'm sorry I didn't…."

"Shhh, Aaron it's okay it's only normal to compare. And, it was my pleasure". His voice was low and husky with need.

The waitress came back with their appetizer which they slowly fed to each other. After a few minutes the plates were cleared and they talked quietly about anything and everything. Dinner came, more wine was poured; they lazily ate and talked. When it came to dessert they both passed, but they did order some espressos. After they were done, Aaron paid, over the protest of Spencer. Aaron said he could get the next one.

* * *

><p>They didn't have to say anything. It was unspoken that Spencer would go back to Aaron's apartment. As soon as they stepped over the threshold, Spencer couldn't take it anymore he slammed Aaron up against the wall and started ravishing his mouth. Aaron's hands came up and he carded his fingers through Spencer's hair returning the passionate kisses. Spencer grabbed Aaron by the tie and started to walk backwards towards the bedroom. Once there they quickly shed their clothes and fell on the bed together. Their pent-up frustrations of the past few months were poured into the kisses, and bruising touches, in the biting and rough grinding of pelvis on pelvis. They rolled over and over on top of each other, vying for dominance, their tongues entwined dancing in each other's mouths.<p>

Spencer had ended up on top of Aaron, he pulled back panting, lust and love warred within his eyes, "What do you want Aaron, tell me and I'll do it".

"Fuck me Spencer, I want to feel you fill me up," Spencer sat-up and looked in the nightstand for the lube he knew Aaron kept there. He moved to sit in-between Aaron's legs, who was currently spread wide for his lover. Spencer slicked up his fingers and slowly inserted one in his partner's hole. After a couple of minutes he had two and was working his fingers in and out to stretch his lover. By the time he had three fingers Aaron was practically riding Spencer's fingers. He pulled his finger out and he heard the older man moan in protest, but he didn't have to wait long for his young genius to put the condom on and apply more lube. Spencer pushed in, in one long stroke and Aaron cried out.

Spencer was slowly moving, pulling slightly out then pushing in he did this a few times before Aaron, out of frustration yelled, "God dammit Spencer fuck me, fuck me hard". The young man didn't have to be told twice, he started moving fast and hard, the headboard banging against the wall. Aaron grabbed him around the waist and encouraged the brutal pace that Spencer set. Aaron's cock had gotten hard again and Spencer watched as Aaron fisted himself.

"Fuck, Aaron, that's hot. You're so sexy I could watch you forever," Watching his lover masturbate pushed Spencer over the edge and he felt the powerful orgasm building, he cried out Aaron's name as he came. Aaron wasn't far behind Spencer and he came in thick white streams over his hand and stomach. Spencer rode out his orgasm a few more seconds, then when he was completely spent he pulled out and collapsed next to the older man, pulling him in close. The lay their like that for a few minutes until Aaron suggested they clean up.

After both men cleaned up, they collapsed in each other's arms, entwining themselves around each other.

"God, Spencer, I didn't realize how much I missed not only you in my arms, but sex with you as well".

Spencer smiled, "I missed it too Aaron. God, I've been thinking about doing this ever since you took off your coat and tie in that cell with Hardwicke".

Aaron looked down at Spencer with his stoic face, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, you looked sexy as hell, as you wrapped one end of the tie around your hand and you had that feral look on your face. God, I had to do something to tamp down the erection I got just watching you. So, it was not only intense terror that had me rambling, but my raging hormones as well".

Aaron laughed hard, "Only you Spencer Reid, only you," he pulled the young man into him and kissed him softly this time, lingering, rubbing his lips across Spencer's. After a few moments they broke the kiss and Spencer laid his head on Aaron's chest.

"Something I've wanted to ask you Aaron".

Aaron looked down at the man in his arms, "What's that?"

"When did you know?" Spencer looked up and saw the confused look on his lover's face, "When did you know you liked men, or was I your first?"

"No, you weren't my first. I figured it out when I was about twelve. I had always known I was a little different. I knew I liked girls, but there was this one boy on my little league team. We didn't really do much, but we did kiss and it felt right somehow. Then in High School I met Haley and I didn't think any more about it. When I got to college Haley and I had broken up for a time and my roommate and I had begun a sexual relationship. It was in secret, and we didn't really talk about it, but we'd always find ways to end up together. Then Haley wanted to get back together. Then it wasn't until you that I had those feelings again. How about you?"

"I always knew I was different. I liked girls, but I was more attracted to boys. It wasn't until college that anything happened. I've had a few relationships here and there, mostly with men. But, it wasn't until you that I felt anything really serious".

"Spencer, I meant what I said. I don't just want you in my bed, I want you in my life. I know there are complications but please say yes". The vulnerable look in Aaron's eyes almost broke Spencer's heart.

"Yes, Aaron, I want those things too". Then he kissed his lover long and deep. Aaron pulled the covers over them and pulled Spencer in tight against him. The two fell deep asleep tangled up in each other.

* * *

><p>The next day they didn't have much of a chance to talk to the team they had gotten a case in Idaho, four murders in three weeks and a quick escalation with the unsub. The team was afraid of a possible spree, so they knew they had to work quickly.<p>

They put in long hours that first day and started off towards the hotel to try to get some rest. This was the first instance of JJ's room assignments mysteriously changing. She looked up and saw Aaron and Spencer sitting together at dinner and knew. A tiny smile crept up on her face, she was secretly glad they had finally worked everything out. She just hoped soon they would trust the rest of the team to come out to them. None of them would judge, she was sure of it. When she walked over and handed Aaron and Spencer their keys she gave them a wide knowing smile. They both looked at her with almost identical raised brows. She wasn't going to spoil their secret. She just patted them on the shoulders and moved on.


	9. Time For Honesty

**TIME FOR HONESTY**

_Now:_

Reid was sitting there with his eyes closed, smiling at the memories of that most perfect day. He was trying to put into words what he wanted to say, but couldn't. The words just wouldn't come.

It was Jack who spoke up first, "Remember that day that Dad had my class come to the BAU?" Everyone who had been there smiled, remembering how nervous Aaron was "Dad was so nervous. He tried to hide it from me, but I knew. After the demonstration all the kids in my class all said what a cool Dad I had. All I thought was that he was always my hero". Jack looked up at these people that had been such a big part of his life. They were his family and he was forever grateful they were there with him.

"He came into my office one day," Garcia started talking. Some of the others moved off and brought chairs into the living area and they all sat around in a circle, "He wanted to apologize for the things Jason had said to me".

Kate looked over at the still perky blonde, "What was he apologizing for?"

"He had called me stupid, no, don't say anything, it was a long time ago. Gideon had just left us and he came in to talk to me and to apologize. I gave him that Bumble toy that is on his office shelf. I told him how we're the Island of Misfit toys and he's the one that was keeping us together. He let me hug him and he gave me one of those rare dimple showing smiles". She smiled at everyone around her.

"I didn't make it easy for him. My pride and arrogance got in the way. I'm surprised he signed off on the assessment after Boston". Jason looked around with a crooked smile on his face, "But he gave me another chance". Jason was quiet for a moment and then he started speaking again, "I remember when it was your 24th birthday Spencer, just before The Tommy Killer case. Aaron turned to me and he had this huge smile on his face and said, "Isn't it amazing that he knows what he knows and he's only 24?" I should have realized then what he felt for you Spencer". Spencer smiled and remembered that day when he wore a ridiculous birthday hat. It was also a time when Aaron had smiled more.

"He busted my ass during that time we got asked in by the New York office, the domestic terrorist case?" Morgan looked around and everyone nodded, "Man that was a long drive back from there with him. We were talking, arguing and everything in-between. He was right, though. Hotch would lay down his life for anyone of us and at the time I wasn't sure exactly how he meant it. Took me a long time to figure it out, he would protect all of us no matter what".

The group spent the next couple of hours trading stories, laughing at Hotch's dry sense of humor. How he found out they called him Agent No-Smile and how they would often wonder if he actually blinked or not. Tears of laughter, joy and sadness were shed. Spencer sat there enveloped in the warmth of his family. He hadn't said much, he just listened, taking everything in.

"The first time he told me he loved me was that night in Georgia". The team all got quiet. Even after all these years just hearing the name Georgia took those who had been there back during those terrible days.

"Reid…" Morgan started to say something.

Spencer smiled, "It's okay Morgan, I came to terms over what happened a long time ago. He stayed with me that night and for most of the night he just held me. I think…I think if he hadn't stayed, I wouldn't be here today. Even though I didn't listen and I didn't stop, he still saved me because every time I pulled out that vial, I heard his voice telling me he loved me. And every time I picked-up that needle, the voice got louder and louder till I finally realized what I was doing to myself, to you guys and to him. If he hadn't have said it I don't want to think about what could have happened". Spencer looked up at the faces around him and they were all trying to hold back their emotions. They'd never heard this from Spencer before and they all felt honored that he shared such a deep personal part of himself with them.

_ Then:_

_ Hotch: You knowingly jeopardized your life and the lives of others_

_ Reid: [shakes his head yes, nervous smile]_

_ Hotch: I should fire you, you're the smartest kid in the room but you're not the only one in that room. You pull something like this again you will be, am I clear?_

_ Reid: [shakes head] Yes sir, it won't happen again. Thank you._

_ Hotch: What were you thinking?_

_ Reid: I was thinking that, that would have been the second time a kid died in front of me._

_ Hotch: You're keeping score, just like Owen_

_ Reid: It was my turn to save one_

_ Hotch: It doesn't work like that_

_ Reid: It should_

_ Hotch: I know it's painful when the person you identify with is the bad guy._

_ Reid: What's that make me?_

_ Hotch: Good at the job. I know it's none of my business, but when we land I think you should go and catch the rest of that 'movie'. _

The plane landed a couple of hours later and as they were making their way to their respective cars Reid caught-up to Hotch. "Hotch, wait". Hotch stopped and waited for Reid to catch-up to him. "It is your business you know". He looked at the man he loved and was trying to get him to understand.

"Reid…Spencer, you don't have to tell me. I'm here to talk, but I can't help with that part of your life".

"I know, but its okay. You should know that I'm going to the 'movies'," Reid smiled nervously, "I ah, I want you to know. It's been ten months". He said out of the blue.

Hotch looked at Reid and smiled, "I'm proud of you".

Reid's face lit up, he couldn't believe how those words went straight to his heart. Hearing that Aaron was proud of him, even though he was struggling was the most amazing thing he'd heard in a long time. "Ho…Aaron, I don't mind if you come. We can…we can get some dinner after".

Hotch frowned and gave Reid a sideways look, "I don't want to intrude Spencer. This is something deeply personal…"

"It's okay. Sometimes family or friends come for support". Spencer looked at Aaron, hopeful that he would come.

Aaron watched his genius for a moment and he saw the hopefulness in his eyes, "Only if you're sure".

Spencer smiled wide "I'm sure".

They drove to the meeting together in companionable silence and when they got there Aaron sat towards the back of the room. He felt a little out of place till he felt someone sit next to him.

"I was wondering if he would ever bring someone that supported him". He heard a whispered voice. Aaron looked over and did a sharp intake of breath.

"Sir..."

"Please, no titles here. Here I am just John and he is just Spencer and you are just Aaron".

"Si…John. He asked me here. We had a case that hit a little too close to home for him. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do".

"Aaron, just be his friend. If he asked you here that means he trusts you and wants you're support. We welcome those that want to support their friends and loved ones". Aaron just shook his head and turned to the front when he heard Spencer start speaking.

"Hi, my name is Spencer," Aaron heard the customary greeting said back, "Like I said last time I ah, I don't really know what I am, but my drug of choice was dilauded. It's been 10 months but lately I've been struggling a little bit, but I know I don't want to go back down that road. I recently met someone and he ah," Spencer tried not to look at Aaron, "He's been the best thing that's happened to me in a long time". Spencer swallowed hard, he was nervous but he knew he needed to get out what he wanted to say.

"We just came back from a case that hit a little too close to home for me. This kid he, he had been bullied his whole life. His own father didn't acknowledge him, his teacher's ignored his learning disabilities and members of his wrestling team humiliated him. I think, no I know I ended up identifying with him too much. See my father left me to deal with a mentally ill mother by myself, being a child prodigy I was bullied in school and teacher's ignored it and the entire football team humiliated me". Spencer frowned and looked down at the podium he was standing at, trying to put his emotions into words.

"The similarities were just so close that I saw myself in him. I figured out he was going to hurt more people and I…I had to stop him, someone had to listen to him, I had to let him know I was listening and wanted to help. I know my actions were foolish, but I just…I just couldn't watch another kid being killed, because if I, if I let that happen it would've felt like that was me". Aaron could tell that Spencer was holding back the tears that wanted to fall, and he finally fully understood what Spencer had done.

"I think my actions disappointed my friend. That wasn't my intention, I never want to disappoint the one person that has stood beside me. Even in my darkest hours he let me know he was there for me. I hope that he understands. I saved that kid's life yesterday and I know I wouldn't have done anything different". He looked out into the faces of the other members of the meeting and felt their support. He shyly smiled and said, "Thank you, thank you for listening".

Spencer hurried off the platform as the members of the meeting clapped; each knew how hard it was to share their deep personal stories. He came to sit next to Aaron and saw John there and stiffened a little. Aaron surreptitiously took Spencer's hand, pouring all of his love and support in the simple gesture. The meeting soon came to an end and they got up to leave. John gestured for them to follow him.

They were led off to a quiet corner, "Whatever you two tell me here and now will stay between us. I have a feeling Spencer that the person you spoke about was Aaron?" He looked between the two men and smiled.

"Um, yes," He looked nervous and knew they were busted.

"There are two reasons why the current fraternization rules are in place. One is the person who took over Jason Gideon's place. I, personally, could care less. As long as you can keep it professional and out of the office or the field, what you do in your private lives is between you".

Spencer and Aaron looked at each other with raised brows, then looked at John, "Sir?" They both said at the same time, forgetting he told them to call him John.

"Aaron, you came to support him you obviously care very deeply, Spencer you obviously have feelings for Aaron. It doesn't take a profiler to see it. Though, you should tell your team".

"We are planning on it. So, I just have to ask, what is the second reason for the fraternization rules?" Aaron asked with a puzzled expression on his face.

"Aaron, let's just say that your position was not in as much jeopardy and you were led to believe. I would have stepped in personally if it came to it. You have the best team of the department, and I wouldn't want to see those resources go to waste. If you have any issues in the future, you can come to me personally".

John started to walk away and Spencer hurried after him, "John, here…" He held out the 1 year coin to give back to John.

"Spencer, I told you, hold onto it till you get your 1 year, then give it back. I have a feeling with Aaron by your side it'll be a walk in the park. Now, if you need anything, you can call me". He gave Spencer his personal cell number just in case he needed it.

John walked to his car and the two men turned to each other with similar expressions, "What the hell just happened?" Aaron asked to no one in particular.

"I think we just got a blessing from the Assistant Director".

"Yeah, that's what I thought too". Both men couldn't hold it in they just laughed at the strange turn of events.

"Aaron?"

"Yes?"

Spencer pulled him into his arms, "Would you like to go out on a date with me?"

"Spencer, you're at my apartment almost every night. You don't need to ask me out".

Spencer smiled at Aaron, "Yeah, but I want to. So, can I take you out to dinner SSA Aaron Hotchner?"

Aaron pushed a stray strand of hair behind Spencer's ear, leaned in and kissed him softly, "I would like nothing better". They walked out of the meeting hall back to Aaron's car.

"So, where are you taking me Spencer Reid?" Aaron said playfully.

"Have you ever had Ethiopian food? I know a great little place that's open late".

Aaron quirked up a brow, "Well, I'm willing to try". Spencer directed him to a small hole-in-the wall type restaurant.

"Don't be fooled, this place is fantastic, come on, be adventurous". Spencer got out of the car and grabbed Aaron's hand pulling him along. Spencer's enthusiasm was catching and Aaron found himself relaxing and enjoying watching Spencer take over and ordering for them. When the food came Aaron noticed there weren't any utensils, so Spencer showed him how they tear off portions of the soft round flat bread to pick up the various foods and eat them. He hadn't ever experienced anything like this. He hated to admit it, if only to himself, but his life with Haley had been pretty average. They didn't really do anything exciting or different. He had a feeling that life with Spencer Reid was going to be anything other than average.

When they were done, Spencer insisted on paying. Then they drove back to Aaron's place.

"So, we really do need to tell the rest of the team. I think JJ is already suspicious and Dave knows".

"I know, when and how?" Spencer wanted a plan, if there was a plan then he could try to be less nervous.

"I was thinking we all go out to dinner, do it away from the office. Maybe this Saturday?" Hotch asked.

"Sounds good to me, now stop talking and take me to bed Agent Hotchner".

Aaron took his time with Spencer, kissing, stroking and loving every part of his genius. They made love slowly, giving to each other letting each other know how much they loved one another. After a while, they fell asleep in each other's arms content and happy.

Unfortunately their plans to tell the team were put on hold. They had several cases back to back and by the month's end they were all stressed and exhausted. Aaron had only seen Jack twice and it was grating on his nerves. Spencer agreed that Aaron needed time with his son so he stepped back for a bit, though they did talk every night. Strauss saw the strain that the team was under and decided to give them two weeks down time. This was time that they really needed to get paperwork for the cases they had just finished done as well as neglected consults and various papers each was asked to write. This also gave Aaron and Spencer time to plan a dinner for the team so that they could tell them all what was going on.

"I'm nervous". Spencer said to Aaron as he was taking a shower after a rather vigorous love-making session with his lover.

"Don't be. I think it will be okay. Come on, hurry up or we're going to be late".

Spencer quickly got dressed and they made their way to the Chinese restaurant that they chose for their 'coming out' dinner within minutes.

As they got out Aaron took his lover's hand and asked, "Ready?"

Spencer looked at Aaron wide-eyed, he had a bit of the jitters, "As I'll ever be". Aaron smiled and tried to put Spencer at ease. They broke the hand-holding, but Aaron couldn't help it, he put his hand on the small of Spencer's back, leading him to the table where the team was waiting for them.

"Bout time you two. I was ready to send out a posse if you didn't get here in the next few minutes," Dave teased.

The two men smiled and sat down. They all traded small talk for a while, drinks and food were ordered and as they were waiting for the food to come Aaron cleared his throat, "So, Spencer and I have something we want to tell you. I hope that you guys will understand…We're ah," Aaron took a long drink of water because he was finding it harder to say what he wanted to say than he realized. "We're seeing each other". No one said anything. In fact there was no real reaction at all.

The silence was beginning to get uncomfortable, "Are you guys upset?"

"No, no not upset, surprised is all. Hotch…" Emily wasn't sure what she wanted to say.

"Are you surprised because I was married?"

The team let out a collective sigh, "Partially, but let me just ask you one question" Morgan said.

"What Morgan?"

"Are you guys happy?" He didn't want to give away that he had caught them two years earlier. What he said then was true, it was between him and Spencer. He was just surprised that they had continued the relationship.

"Yes, Morgan. We are. Spencer makes me very happy".

"Then I don't think we care. As long as you guys are happy, then we'll support you all the way". Garcia said with a huge smile on her face. Everyone at the table agreed.

"I have a big question," Emily didn't want to put a damper on the evening, but they needed a little bit of a reality check.

"What is that Emily?"

"What about Strauss? What if she gets wind of this?" She looked at them with concern in her eyes.

Hotch leaned over to Reid and whispered in his ear, "Should we tell them?"

Spencer had a wicked smile on his face leaned over to Hotch and said in his ear, "It's okay with me".

"So, don't ask us how, but we sort of got the blessing of the Assistant Director himself". They all started peppering them with questions.

"Guys, guys, I can't tell you, but he said he would smooth anything over with Strauss if it came to that. We'll still keep it professional in the office and in the field. We just really wanted to let you all know".

They didn't say much more for the food came and they all were starving by that time so the rest of the meal was spent in eating, playfully teasing Spencer about his terrible use of chopsticks, and just plain camaraderie. As the evening was coming to a close they all enveloped their friends in hugs and words of congratulations. They saw Spencer and Aaron leave together and were very happy for them.

JJ turned to the others and said, "Thank god, I thought we were going to have to confront them sooner or later".

"Yeah, they did try to hide it, but come on the looks, the gestures, the lingering touches". Emily smiled thinking back to poker games on the plane where Hotch and Reid would sometimes stare a little too long at each other.

JJ looked at Emily, "Well, now it's finally out in the open, but let's not let on that we knew. I think we should just let them think we were all in the dark". They all laughed at the fact that they, for once, pulled one over on their Unit Chief.


	10. Time For Revelations

**Again, thank you all so much for all the lovely reviews, the follows and the favorites. **

As always if you'd like to request a certain episode please feel free, this one ends Season three. I already have Mayhem, Memoriam, Omnivore and Amplification from season four in mind for the next set, but if there is one in between you want me to do I will.

* * *

><p>The team was still trading stories with each other when Sasha crawled up in Spencer's lap and whispered in his ear. He sat back and pulled her in close and nodded his head that it was okay.<p>

She looked at the people in the room, people she knew as family and spoke, so quietly but they could all hear, "I told Daddy one day that I liked Papa's kind of music. This year for my birthday he took me to the symphony. It was just me and him. Papa made me dress up and said I looked really pretty. Daddy and I sat real close to the orchestra. He didn't have to tell me to be quiet, I sat and listened and I loved it. After he asked if I liked it and would I want to go again. He was going to take me for Christmas…" She couldn't say anymore, she buried her head in Spencer's shoulder and cried. Spencer pulled her in close, stroking his daughter's hair, soft words falling from his lips.

No one knew what to say or what to do. A child losing their parent was always one of the hardest parts of their job. Spencer cleared his throat, "Aaron had gotten tickets for us to go to the Kennedy Center for the _Cirque de la Symphonie. _She's been so excited…" Spencer's eyes were wet, but he refused to let the tears fall.

Just then the doorbell rang and Dave got up to answer. It was his caterer bringing in food for everyone. Spencer looked at Dave and whispered, "You didn't have to do this Dave…"

"Spencer, the last thing you need to worry about right now is feeding us. It's fine. You just take care of your daughter and we'll take care of this". He then directed the caterer's into the dining area where they laid out pans of lasagna, ravioli, garlic bread, anti-pasta salads, and a couple of trays of salumi and Italian cheeses. Even plates, napkins cups and everything had been accounted for.

Spencer sat back on the couch and pulled his daughter in closer, letting her cry. She had been holding everything in for so long, refusing to grieve, just like Spencer. Hearing the stories of her Dad and trying to tell one of her own finally made it all real for her. Everyone there felt her grief and they just didn't know how to help.

Derek came over and sat down next to Spencer and took the little girl in his arms. "Shhh, baby girl, shhh, it's okay, it's okay. Your Dad wouldn't want you to be sad. Come on princess look at me".

Sasha sat up in Derek's lap, he brushed a hand over her face wiping her tears. "You know you will always have me, your papa and Jack, don't you?"

She slowly nodded her tear stained face. She spoke so quietly that Derek almost missed it, but he heard her say, "Its not fair Uncle Derek. Daddy was so brave, why did it have to be him? Why?" Silent tears streamed down her face.

"I don't know princess. The bad guy didn't care that he was loved, that he had a beautiful little girl to come home to. He only cared about himself. But you know what?"

She sniffed, trying to stop the tears, laid down on Derek's chest, her arms wrapped around him, "What?"

"We got the bad guy. He's never going to hurt another family ever again. He's never going to take another Daddy away from their little girls. Your Dad helped to make sure that the bad guy is going away forever. Now, I know that doesn't help you right now, but one day it will. But, you have people who love you princess. If you ever need to talk you can call me. I know what you're going through sweetheart, believe me, I know". He pulled her in tight and held her close. Even though Derek had children of his own there was a special place in his heart for Sasha. They've had a close relationship ever since she was a baby and no one ever begrudged them their closeness.

Spencer smiled at the way Derek was with his daughter, he stroked her hair as he got up off the couch and went to try to eat. He stood there looking at the trays of food, grateful for Dave's thoughtfulness. However, there was this pit in the middle of his stomach that just sat there making him nauseous.

JJ came over and placed a hand on his arm, "Spence, you need to eat something. You have to keep up your strength".

He looked at her and she saw the sadness and grief had returned. "I know Jayje, but I don't know if I can".

"Okay, okay. When you're ready," She stayed by his side as he tried to nibble on something. "Spence, tell me how to help you?" She looked at her best friend with wide pleading eyes, trying to anticipate what he wanted or needed.

"Jayje, I honestly don't know. It's just…it's so hard. I look around and I keep thinking he should be here, that he should be with us and he's not. You guys are going to go home soon and I know, I know it will be real".

JJ was heartbroken hearing Spencer. He had lost so much in his life, so many people left or walked out on him, the one person he could always depend on was gone and she knew he was lost.

"You know before today I could pretend…"

"Pretend what Spence?"

"I could pretend he was just away, away doing a consult or a custodial or visiting Sean, something. Today, today JJ it became real". He spun away from her and walked towards the living room, picked-up his daughter and his satchel then walked out the door. No one knew where he was going, but no one stopped him, they just hoped he was coming back.

* * *

><p><em>Then:<em>

_Hotch: And how were you trying to help him?_

_ Father: I've been a prison guard for over 20 years so I know a little something about disciplining somebody_

_Rossi: So what, you thought you could beat homosexuality out of him?_

_ Father: I don't like your tone_

_ Rossi: Threatening this boy with tactics you use on hardened criminals? Threatening him with his own life?_

_ Hotch: [glares and looks off to the side]_

_ Father: I was teaching him how to be a man._

_ Hotch: No you were teaching him how to kill one_

_ Rossi: You convinced him he was worthless, contemptible for being who he was and he believed you, so he found a way to become someone else, anyone else._

_ Hotch: [looks at the father with contempt] Steven isn't missing sir he's the offender we are looking for._

Aaron was stalking around the hotel room waiting for Spencer to come back. They were still in Miami and the rest of the team wanted to go for Mojito's and Cuban food. Aaron had said he just wanted to go back to the hotel and call Jack and they all understood. Now, it was three hours later and he was getting upset that Spencer was taking so long. He had even showered, changed into something more comfortable and called Jack before he had to go to sleep. So when a very disheveled and slightly tipsy Spencer finally walked into the room Aaron was just about ready to spring.

All of a sudden Spencer found himself being shoved up against the door and he felt Aaron's lips crashing down on his, rough hands were trying to get his clothes off of him, lips never leaving his. When he tried to move away Aaron practically growled and Spencer stayed just where he was, taking whatever it was that Aaron was giving him.

Just then Rossi and Morgan were passing by and they heard the bang on their unit chief's door. Morgan turned to Rossi and said, "I don't think I wanna know".

Rossi looked at Morgan and said, "It's probably better we don't". They both smirked as they made their way to their room.

Lips still locked, Aaron grabbed the now shirtless Spencer, by the waistband of his jeans and pulled him towards the bed. Aaron fumbled at the belt, trying to get it undone. Spencer felt his zipper opening by the time they had gotten to the edge of the bed and Aaron shoved him on top so hard that the headboard banged loudly against the wall. He then forcefully pulled the jeans off of his genius and when he did little piece of paper flew out of the pockets. This made Aaron look down at Spencer with a dark feral look on his face.

"What are those?" He asked with venom dripping out of each word.

"Ummm, phone numbers?" Reid's eyes wide, still wondering what the hell was going on with Aaron.

Hotch shed his clothes quickly and pounced onto his lover, taking and possessing the young man with each lick, each nibble and each kiss planted on his neck and shoulders. "Mine," he said as he bit down on Reid's shoulder, almost as if the young man was being marked. Spencer yelped loudly while his thoughts and emotions were swirling too fast through his mind to truly register what was going on.

Emily jumped when she felt the bang on the wall in the room next door. Then she heard Hotch distinctly growl loudly the word mine. When JJ finally came into the bedroom from the bathroom she saw her roommate with her ear to the wall and blushing.

"Ems?"

"Oh JJ, you don't even know. The sounds coming from next door are just…"

JJ frowned, "What?"

"Well, way better than free porn I can tell you that".

"EMILY," JJ admonished, but didn't hesitate to put her ear up against the wall. "We should so not be doing this".

"Oh I know, believe me I know, but damn if it isn't hot". Emily smiled at JJ as they both hunkered down and listened.

All of a sudden they heard a deep moan and a gruff voice saying, "goddamit Spencer, just fuck me". Then they felt the headboard banging hard against their wall. After a few minutes of some of the most erotic noises either of them have heard in a while they heard their unit chief utter out a string of curses and they knew someone had gotten very lucky.

"Well, I don't know about you JJ, but my dreams are not going to be nightmares tonight". Emily smirked.

"I don't know if I will be able to look them in the face tomorrow". JJ said to her roommate as her face blushed a deep red.

"We could so get a lot of mileage out of this you know". Emily replied with a wicked gleam in her eye.

"Don't you dare Emily Prentiss," JJ was trying not to smile but it didn't work and both women started giggling like schoolgirls.

All of a sudden Spencer and Aaron heard the giggling, looked at each other with identical shocked looks on their faces. Spencer, lying next to Aaron, spent said, "Oh crap, who's next door? JJ and Emily?"

"I think so".

"What do you think they heard?" Spencer asked warily.

"Probably everything," Aaron said with a bit of amusement in his voice. He pulled Spencer into him and carded his fingers through the soft curls.

"Aaron?" Spencer asked after a few minutes.

"What?" Hotch said more gruffly than he meant to.

"What exactly was that? Not that I minded, but…"

Aaron looked over at Spencer, closed his eyes and tried to calm the storm still raging inside him. "That father, Steven's father…"

"Aaron?"

"The bastard just reminded me of my own father". He turned his head to the side trying to get back that perfect stoic mask he had developed over the years.

Spencer sat up and looked down at the closed off face of his unit chief. "Aaron, you never talk about it but I've noticed over the years that cases with kids or abuse always affect you more. I heard your interview with Perotta, then that case in LA, Caleb Sheppard, the Stripping Bandit…" There had been others, but Spencer wasn't about to point them out.

Aaron got up, grabbed his shorts and shirt to put on, walked to the mini-bar and pulled out two small bottles of scotch. He poured them into a glass and sat down at the small table in the room.

"You don't have to tell me…"

Hotch's office mask was firmly in place when he looked off to the side. He wanted to tell Spencer, but he was finding it difficult. He'd always been a very private man, not even really telling Haley much about his family life. She knew some of it, but he never really elaborated when she asked questions. However, she knew it was telling when he didn't invite his mother to their wedding. For some reason he wanted to tell Spencer, wanted him to know everything.

"He was always a mean drunk. He liked to use his fists to solve his issues with me. Don't know if you realize this, but I was a bit of a nerd". He smiled sadly over at Spencer. "He wanted the perfect son, the jock and I was a bookworm. He blamed my mother, said she was too soft on me. My parent's marriage wasn't exactly the best either. I knew he was having affairs". He got quiet again, finding it difficult to continue.

Spencer got up pulling on his own shirt and shorts, walked over, took the chair in front of Aaron and placed a hand on his leg. "Aaron, can I ask you something? And, if you don't want to tell me you don't have to".

Hotch looked up at Spencer, "What is it?"

Spencer gathered his thoughts together because he wanted to be as delicate as he could. He saw that talking to Aaron right now was much like those times he's had to interview trauma victims. "How did your father really die?"

Aaron raised his brow when he looked at his lover because this was certainly not the question he had been expecting. "What do you mean?"

"Well, you mentioned once that he had a heart attack but then you've also said that he died of cancer. Are you…" Spencer sighed and bowed his head a moment, "Are you embarrassed by how he really died Aaron?"

Aaron suddenly got up off the chair and started pacing, "Sometimes you can be way too perceptive Dr. Spencer Reid". He didn't know whether to be angry that Spencer read him so well, or appreciative that he didn't always have to explain everything.

"Well, it's one of the reasons you hired me isn't it?" He smiled, trying to lighten the mood.

Hotch slowly shook his head and looked at his lover, "It was his alcoholism. It wasn't just one thing". Spencer knew at that point that Hotch wasn't going to elaborate.

"What about…" Spencer wanted to ask about Aaron's brother, but didn't know how to ask delicately.

"What about what?"

"Sean?"

"That's the rub. He never touched Sean. He was the son my father wanted". Hotch wanted to be angry, but he couldn't. It wasn't Sean's fault that his father was the way he was. "Sean doesn't know. I've never told him what happened to me, he was only five and I was 15 when Dad died. I was shipped off to boarding school and he stayed at home with our mother and later step father. We've never really had a close relationship, but I wanted to protect him from my truth. Dad adored him and that is a memory that I won't taint".

Spencer stood and walked over to Aaron, stopping the older man in his pacing, placed a hand on his face and kissed him. "Then we will never tell him". He smiled a small sad smile.

Aaron pulled Spencer in to his arms and said, "Thank you". They stood like that for a while, just holding each other as the emotional storm in Aaron started to calm down. "Let's get some sleep". He pulled the young man with him as they crawled under the covers and wrapped themselves around each other. Aaron was trying to find the comfort he always found in Spencer's arms, but he had one more question before they fell asleep.

"Spencer?"

"Yes Aaron?"

"Phone numbers?"

Spencer blushed deeply. He had thought Aaron forgot all about them. He should know by now that even though his boss didn't have an eidetic memory, he did have an exceptional one. "Um, It was Morgan's fault".

Aaron quirked up his brow, "And how was it Morgan's fault?" He asked playfully angry.

"He got me started doing some magic for JJ and Emily, then we sort of had an audience and things got a little crazy and before I knew it girls and guys were handing me their phone numbers, but it's not like I was going to…."

"Spencer,"

"Yes?"

"Shut up and go to sleep". Aaron said with little heat in those words. However he did have a smile on his face because he knew that Spencer didn't realize just how charming he could be when he let his guard down. And, he knew if he thought about it too hard his jealous streak would come out, and that was certainly not what he wanted. He pulled Spencer in tighter, spooning in behind his young genius and after a while they fell into dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p>In the morning after showering and getting their bags repacked they made their way down to the dining room of the hotel. When they approached they noticed that the rest of the team was having a hard time meeting their eyes.<p>

Hotch looked with amusement at the two female agents. "JJ, Emily, did you have some entertainment last night?" He graced them with a rare smirk as he walked off to get him and Reid some coffee.

"How'd he…I mean…Reid?" Emily was blushing deep red looking over at the youngest agent.

"You were giggling". Reid smiled looking rather smug at the two women, completely unembarrassed.

"Oh…" JJ's eyes went wide as she realized they could hear her and Emily just as much as they could hear Hotch and Reid.

Before Reid could make a comeback Rossi spoke up, "Before you say anything kid, we don't want to know". That got a laugh from everyone at the table, easing the slight tension.

Hotch came back and slipped the too sweet coffee over to Reid who took an appreciative sip. Hotch looked around sternly and asked without skipping a beat, "What'd I miss?"

Rossi looked at his friend and saw the mischievous glint in Aaron's eye, "Aaron there are just some things this team does not need to share with each other and last night's late night activities is one".

The whole table exploded with laughter. After they all calmed down they made their way to the breakfast bar. They finished their breakfast in companionable conversation and light teasing. Finally, though, they got out of there and were shortly on their way back to DC.

* * *

><p>After landing the team made their way into the bullpen, Garcia was waiting for them as usual with a tray of coffee and some homemade cookies. Whatever they went through, however bad the case was they could always count of the good natured analyst to brighten their day.<p>

After a while Hotch called down to Reid and asked him to come see him. A few minutes later Reid was walking through Hotch's door and sat down, "You wanted to see me?"

Hotch looked at Reid for a minute, reached into his desk and pulled out the small present he had for Reid.

"Aaron?"

Hotch smiled, "Just open it Spencer".

Reid was frowning when he opened the box and sitting there was a key and a small card that had "Will you move in with me Spencer?" written on it. Reid looked-up at Aaron with wide eyes and an ever wider smile.

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure. I told you, I don't just want you in my bed. I want you in my life and in Jack's life. He already adores you".

Spencer wanted to say yes, was going to say yes, but he had one question before he did.

"Aaron?"

Hotch knew just what Spencer was going to ask, "Spencer, if you're hesitating because of Haley, we'll tell her, but I'm not going to let her stop what we have together. I love you and want you with me".

Spencer's expression softened and his smile widened. He took the key out of box, put it on his own key chain and said, "Yes, Aaron I'll move in with you".


	11. Necessary Conversations

**Sorry for the lateness of this update. I got caught up in my personal challenge My Addiction. It's a 200-300 word challenge, no chapter is over 300 words. If you haven't checked it out yet, please do so. **

**Also, I have a note at the end, there is a spoiler if you have not seen the episode form 1/28/15, but I do need some advice from you guys. Thanks so much and I hope you enjoy this update.**

* * *

><p><strong>Time for Revelations: Necessary Conversations<strong>

**Haley**

"Spencer, stop fidgeting everything is going to be okay," Aaron admonished his partner.

"How can you be so calm? I'm far from calm…."

"Reid, get out of your head and just relax, okay?" Hotch used his office voice to try to get through to his lover. Sometimes it was the only way to calm the genius down and make him focus.

"Right, okay," Reid then reached into his bag and pulled out a book. The only way to truly calm his mind at the moment was to focus on something else. Hotch just looked to the side, smiled and shook his head. If he knew one thing about Dr. Spencer Reid it was that he would have that book halfway finished before they even left the restaurant. He also knew it helped calm him down so Hotch just let him be. That was until Haley walked in with Jack.

"PENCER!" The two year old toddler practically screamed as he tried to run on his chubby legs. Hotch wasn't even mad that Jack had called out for Spencer before he called out for him.

Spencer looked up and a genuine smile graced his beautiful face, "Hey Jackers, come here buddy". The little boy ran to the booth, climbed over his Dad and threw his little arms around the smiling Dr. Reid's neck and held on for dear life. After he got hugs from Reid he turned and looked at Hotch, "Daddy," And he launched into his father's arms.

"Hey buddy, I missed you," Jack sat back and started to tell Hotch all about his day the only way a two-year old could, toddler babble. Aaron, in that mysterious parent way, actually understood about three-fourths of what Jack was saying and responded accordingly. Spencer, on the other hand, only understood about a quarter, but took his cues from Aaron on how to respond to the boy.

Haley hadn't ever seen Spencer interact with her son before and she now was wondering just how much time the young man spent with him. And by the way Aaron was watching the genius with a genuine warm smile on his face she realized that it must be quite a bit.

Shortly the waitress brought over a high chair and Aaron got the boy settled into it and only then did he finally acknowledge his ex-wife.

"Haley," he said slightly stiff. Spencer, still feeling awkward, just waved his hello and smiled.

"Aaron," Haley wasn't sure how she was feeling at the moment. She had assumed that this meeting was just between her and Aaron. "How have you been?" There had been a part of her that had hoped she and Aaron might one day get back together, that is if he ever left the BAU, but as this day was proving, that might not be the case at all.

"I've been good, and you? How are you doing?" _This shouldn't be so awkward_ thought Aaron. They'd known each other since High School and had always had an easy friendship, but the strain of the separation, the affairs and the divorce had put stress on the friendship as well.

Haley took a deep breath and schooled her thoughts. She wanted to be careful here and not cause a scene in front of her son and the whole restaurant. "I've been fine. I moved back into the house, but of course you knew that," she said nervously. She took a moment before she asked, "Aaron, what's going on? Why'd you want to meet like this?"

Aaron looked down at the table and gathered his thoughts for a moment. He knew this wasn't going to be easy for her to hear, but he didn't want her to be surprised. "Haley…" He lifted his eyes to look her in the face, "Spencer is moving in with me". He waited to see her reaction and when he didn't get one his profiler's mind started to run amok.

Haley knew her ex-husband well enough to know what he was doing, "Aaron, for god sakes turn it off for once. Don't profile me". She said in exasperation. Then she turned her head and looked at the expression on Spencer's face and said, "Or you. I'm not one of your damn unsubs".

The two men schooled their expressions because they both wanted to laugh at the ridiculous situation.

"So, I take it you're not giving me any choice here are you?"

Aaron looked at her confused. There were no choices to be made. He responded to her question in his quiet measured voice, "Haley, there are no choices. Spencer and I are moving in together and I want Jack…."

She put her hand up stopping him, "Really Aaron? You think that after all you've done that I'm just going to let you…"

A dark look passed over Aaron's face and Haley realized she had gone too far. Not only was her ex-husband a profiler, but he was a well-versed lawyer as well. "Haley I wasn't the only one to make mistakes. Do you really want me to bring up the string of strange phone calls over the last few months of our marriage?" He saw that his words hit their bull's-eye. Gideon was right, an accurate profile can be a weapon in the right hands, and right now Aaron had hit the bullseye. He didn't feel good about it, but he wasn't here to play games.

"Aaron…"

He cut her off before she could say more, "And don't you dare use Jack against me". His hard stoic demeanor was in place and Haley knew that she didn't have a choice in the matter.

"So, how long was it Dr. Reid before you jumped back in my ex-husband's bed?" She asked vehemently. She was on edge because she wasn't sure how she lost control of this conversation before it even began.

Aaron saw when Spencer's back went up and he knew that the young man had been backed into a corner and usually that was when Spencer was at his most dangerous. He put a hand on the Spencer's arm to still the tirade he was about to unleash.

"Haley, let's not do this. I understand you're angry and hurt, but this is happening and I will have my son in our lives. Now, if this is something you can't handle fine, but don't you dare try to keep Jack away from me. And as for how long, does it really matter?" Aaron kept his composure the whole time. He didn't want this to become a yelling match, especially in such a public place.

Haley knew she was just lashing out in anger. She wouldn't really use Jack against her ex-husband because she knew what a good father he really was. He may not be there as much as he wanted, but he always called to see how Jack was doing, came by to check on him, even on days that weren't his. She didn't want to be one of those vindictive mothers that used their children to hurt their exes. In truth she could never do that to Aaron. She closed her eyes a moment to reign in her feelings.

"I'm sorry. It's just that..." She was having a hard time expressing the flood of emotions she was feeling. "You sprung this on me and I just need time to process it".

Just then the waitress came up to the table and asked if they were ready to order. Spencer and Aaron just ordered coffee and one of their large cinnamon rolls. Haley just ordered coffee, she wasn't sure she could eat anything at the moment.

She watched as Aaron and Spencer shared the sweet bread with Jack and she saw the deep affection that Spencer really had for her son. She wanted to be jealous, wanted to be angry and truthfully a part of her was, but she knew if she hurt Aaron and Spencer, she'd be hurting her son too, and that she could never do.

She took a deep breath, "Fine, we'll work this out…for Jack". She wanted to make it very clear that she was going to try to understand for the sake of their son.

"For Jack," Aaron reciprocated knowing what it had probably cost his ex-wife to concede. Aaron and Spencer left a few minutes later, taking Jack with them, for it was Aaron's time after all. She sat there watching the easy affection between the three and realized what it was that she had lost. She wanted to put the blame all on Aaron, but truthfully, she'd always known his ambitious nature. She had fooled herself into thinking that if he had a family he would change, and that was her biggest mistake. She left a few minutes later and went home to an empty house and cried.

* * *

><p><strong>STRAUSS<strong>

"Aaron is this really necessary? I mean, it's Chief Strauss. I always get the feeling she doesn't like me".

Aaron chuckled under his breath, "Yes it is. You are putting in a change of address , so she's eventually going to know. It will be fine Spencer, and remember if we have any problems John told us to call him".

It had been several months prior that Spencer and Aaron had run into the Deputy Director of the FBI and gotten his ultimate okay. Spencer didn't forget that, it's just that he didn't want to have to use it against their boss.

Aaron knocked on Chief Stauss's office door, "Come in," They heard from inside the office. Aaron looked at Reid with raised brows asking if he was ready.

"Let's get it over with".

They walked in and saw their boss Section Chief Erin Strauss sitting at her desk going over reports.

"Agent Hotchner, Dr. Reid, what can I do for the two of you?"

"Chief Strauss, there is something of a personal nature we need to discuss with you". Aaron began.

"Are you referring to the change of address that Dr. Reid has just put in?"

"Yes ma'am".

"Aaron, Dr. Reid, please sit down". It didn't go unnoticed that she addressed Aaron by his first name but called Spencer Dr. Reid. Spencer just didn't know what it meant. She took off her glasses, laid them on the desk, leaned forward and said, "Don't worry, the Deputy Director has already spoken to me recently about your relationship".

Aaron gave her his famous Hotchner glare, "Erin?"

She smiled at him, "Aaron, I'm not stupid. I've noticed how the two of you have gotten closer," She held up her hand stopping whatever it was that Aaron was going to say, "I've also noticed that the two of you have displayed nothing but absolute professionalism and integrity here in the office and in the field. Keep it that way and we won't have to have any further discussions. Do I make myself clear?"

Aaron furrowed his brow, "Ma'am?" There were a lot of questions in just that one word, but Aaron was having a hard time expressing them.

She slightly smirked, "Aaron, David Rossi wasn't the only person around here that caused the current fraternization rules to be put in place". She gave them a knowing look and they understood just what she was talking about. "Just keep it at home and we should have no problems, understand?"

They both looked at her dumfounded, but said at the same time, "Yes ma'am". They got up and left to go to their workstations and get ahead of the day.

* * *

><p><strong>Dr. Diana Reid<strong>

The team had been in Reno Nevada on a serial arson case. Everything was progressing quickly and when the last fire turned deadly they worked even harder to track their unsub. It took a few days, and unfortunately more fires, but they finally caught him. 19 years old and already a murderer, it saddened the team that someone so young had done such horrible things, but they had hope that he would find help in prison. While in the hotel Reid was contemplating taking a commercial plane to Las Vegas. It wasn't that far and he wanted to see his mother.

"Hey Aaron?"

Aaron looked up from the files that he was working on, hoping to get them done so they could have some time with Jack when they got back. "Yes Spencer?"

"I'd like to take a couple of days and go see my Mom, if that's okay".

"Of course, when do you want to go?"

"I can get a flight out in the morning. I ah, I want to tell her…about us that is".

Aaron put the file down and studied Spencer for a moment. "Do you want me to go with you Spencer?"

Spencer breathed a sigh of relief, that was exactly what he wanted, but he hadn't known how to ask Aaron, "Yes, but only if you want to…"

"Spencer, of course I want to". Spencer smiled, but was nervous at the same time.

"Thanks Aaron. When we get there I'll have to talk to her doctor to make sure she's doing okay".

"Spencer, I understand. You just let me know what you need me to do". He smiled at Spencer letting him know he was there for him.

The arrangements were quickly made and both had packed to make leaving quick and easy. Both men were tired from the long case and they just wanted to get some sleep. Aaron pulled the young genius to him and carded his hand through the long curly hair and spoke soft words to Spencer. He knew that Spencer's anxiety was high and it sometimes made the nights difficult for both of them. Nightmares were not uncommon, but they had each other. Aaron, not for the first time, thought how different this was from Haley. Spencer never got mad or complained when he woke up in a sweat, or cried out in his sleep and when memories of Georgia invaded Spencer's dreams Aaron was right there, holding him and soothing the terror away. They may not always get the deep sleep they often craved, but the nights weren't as bad as they used to be either.

In the morning they made it to the airport quickly and were in Las Vegas just over two hours later. A rental car was ready and waiting for them when they arrived and it didn't take long for them to make it over to Bennington Sanitarium. Spencer asked Aaron to wait in the waiting room so he could talk to her doctor and make sure Diana Reid was up for visitors.

Spencer took some time to consult with Dr. Norman, his mother's psychiatrist. Spencer got the all clear, Diana was having one of her better days so they decided to chance it and Spencer brought Aaron up to his mother's room.

"Mom?"

She smiled wide, as always, seeing her son, "Spencer. I didn't know you were coming. And I see you brought a friend".

"Mom, this is Aaron Hotchner. Do you...do you remember him from a couple of years ago? When you helped us out?"

"Oh, oh that poor man, Randall, he was very delusional". She looked up at Aaron and narrowed her eyes slightly, "You're that government agent, aren't you?"

Spencer sat down on the small couch in her room and took her hand. Aaron had grabbed the chair from the desk and sat next to Spencer. "Mom, I want you to listen carefully, okay?"

"Spencer, is something wrong? Because you seem a little anxious".

Spencer smiled and bowed his head slightly, "Mom," He breathed in deep looked at Aaron for a minute then continued, "Mom, Aaron and I are together".

Diana didn't say anything for a minute, she looked at Aaron, "You better not hurt him mister government agent". She stared at Aaron and waited to see what he would say.

"Ma'am…"

She quirked up her brow, "Ohh Spencer, he's so polite". The two men had a chuckle at that.

Aaron tried to hold back a laugh, "Ma'am, I never want to hurt Spencer. I love him very much". He then grabbed Spencer's hand and held on.

"My perfect boy, are you happy?"

Spencer's face softened, "Yes Mom, I am very happy".

She turned to look at the older man, "Do you have children Aaron?"

Aaron smiled wide thinking about Jack, "Yes ma'am I have a son. His name is Jack and he adores Spencer".

"I read to him just like you used to read to me," Which made Diana's heart melt.

"Then I am happy for you Spencer. And even though he's obviously a government spy, if he makes you happy, then I can't complain". She reached over and patted Aaron's hand and said to him, "I guess I approve". And they could tell that she was being playful at this point.

"Thank you Dr. Reid…"

"Please, you're dating my son call me Diana".

"Diana," He conceded, "I will take care of Spencer, I promise".

"You're mother must be very proud of you Aaron," She saw the pain come into his eyes and knew something terrible had happened to him. She leaned over and gave him a chaste kiss on his cheek, "No mother should hurt their child," She had whispered in his ear. He looked at her confused and all she said was, "A mother always knows". The warmth in her eyes made him tear up, but he refused to let them fall.

They spent the rest of the afternoon with Diana and had lunch with her. When it got late they went to a nearby hotel to rest. Spencer spent the next day with her while Aaron caught-up on paperwork. They left the next day and Spencer was quite happy how everything turned out.

* * *

><p><strong>Sean<strong>

"You ready to go Spencer?" Aaron called out.

"Yeah, I'll be out in one second". Spencer yelled, less than a minute later he walked out with a small suitcase in his hand.

Aaron smiled as he pulled the young agent to him and kissed him, "Hmmmm, maybe we should cancel and just stay here. I'll keep you naked in bed and all to myself this weekend". He kissed his lover again.

Spencer pulled away, "You're the one that wanted to get away, always telling me to take a vacation. Now, we are committed Aaron".

"Yes, we are. Okay, come on or we'll miss the train". Aaron was finally going to take Spencer to New York on a mini weekend vacation. They got a rare Friday off and Aaron had surprised Spencer with the trip. He knew that Spencer loved trains and he booked them on the earliest available. Aaron had also gotten a hold of his brother Sean and gotten them a reservation at the restaurant he was working at. What Aaron didn't tell his brother was that he was bringing a man with him. _This should be interesting_ thought Aaron.

They got to New York and then their hotel in a little over 5 hours. Spencer had thoroughly enjoyed the ride all the way there and Aaron smiled at how enthusiastic Spencer was. He loved how his lover would spout off random facts about trains, or the cities they passed through, the local flora and fauna or, god forbid, the crime rates. Aaron was quiet, but would answer a question or respond to Spencer's ramblings every so often. When they finally arrived Aaron just had to pull Spencer aside and give him a passionate kiss, "I love you, my beautiful genius".

Spencer smiled and they held hands the whole way to the hotel. After settling in Aaron took Spencer site seeing through the city. He smiled the whole time watching Spencer be in awe of the city. They had hot dogs from one of the city's famous street vendors, later a slice at one of the many famous Ray's pizzerias, and they both indulged their coffee addictions. By the late afternoon they were tired and wanted to rest-up before dinner.

"So, Spencer, I have a surprise for you. Sean has a table reservation for us at the restaurant he works at".

"Really? I haven't even asked about Sean, I'm so sorry Aaron".

Aaron quirked-up a brow, "It's okay Spencer, Sean and I are trying to reconnect. Mostly sporadic phone calls, but we're trying. Just one thing I ask…"

"Aaron, I told you in Miami, I won't ever tell Sean what we discussed. If you ever feel like he could handle that I'm sure it should come from you and not me".

"Thank you. Alright, let's get changed and get out of here".

They arrived at the restaurant about fifteen minutes early for their reservation and Sean came out to greet his brother and his brother's 'date'. Aaron wouldn't say who he was bringing so it came as a surprise when he saw another man talking to Aaron.

"Aaron," He smiled warmly and the two brothers hugged. They may not have been as close as either man would have liked, but they did love each other and they were trying. "How's it going big brother?"

Aaron smiled warmly, "It's going great. Sean I want you to meet Dr. Spencer Reid. Spencer this is my brother Sean". The two men shook hands.

"So, Aaron, who's the lucky person in your life that has you smiling," Sean had an idea, but he wanted Aaron to say it.

"Sean, it's Spencer, he actually moved in with me a couple of months ago".

Sean stood there shocked. It's not that he thought there was anything wrong with Aaron with another man, its that it was _Aaron_ with another man. His brother was so indoctrinated in his upbringing that it was hard for him to break those barriers. This was a whole new side of his brother and Sean liked it.

"Well, Aaron, I have to say that I am completely shocked," He took a deep breath and noticed that Spencer's back went up and Aaron was on his guard, "Whoa, calm down you two. I'm shocked because for the second time in your life you are finally doing what you want and not what's predictable". He smiled wide, and the couple watched as Sean walked over to the bar tender, wait a couple of minutes and walked back with two glasses of champagne.

"With my compliments and congratulations," The couple took the glasses and sipped the bubbly liquid as Sean toasted them.

"So, you are okay with this Sean?"

Sean's face softened and he noticed just how vulnerable his brother looked at that moment. It was rare for Aaron to let down his walls, but he saw how important this was to his older brother. He honestly didn't care and he could see a happiness that he never truly saw when his brother was with Haley.

"Aaron, I am more than okay with this. I don't care what gender you date or fall in love with, what I care about is if you're happy".

Aaron was moved. He was surprised by how much it meant to him that Sean accept Spencer as his partner. He hoped that this was another step in them re-connecting. "Thank you Sean, that means a lot". He got up off his chair and grabbed his younger brother in a tight hug, a rare display of affection for Aaron.

"So, have you told Mom?" Sean hadn't wanted to spoil the moment, but he wanted to be prepared just in case their Mother called and asked about Aaron.

Aaron tried not to shut down, he didn't want to spoil the evening before it really began, "No Sean I haven't, please don't mention it. I just…" Aaron cleared his throat to tamp down the emotional upheaval attached to memories of his parents and his childhood, "I don't want to have to deal with that yet".

Sean slightly frowned. He knew their Mother wasn't the overly affectionate kind, but he knew that Aaron's pain when it came to their parents went deep. He just wished that Aaron would open up and tell him. He wasn't stupid, he knew something happened to Aaron, but Sean also knew the protective streak that Aaron had. Whatever Aaron's secret was Sean knew Aaron was trying to protect him.

"Okay big brother, I won't say anything". And he left it at that, "Okay, now I need to get back to work, and if you'll trust me and let me surprise the two of you for your meal I promise you won't regret it". And they didn't. Sean prepared them a fantastic meal. They ate at their leisure with Sean coming to check on them every so often. When the evening was coming to it's end Aaron pulled out his wallet and Sean stopped him.

"This is on me Aaron…"

"Sean, you don't have to…"

"I want to. Now go have fun the rest of the evening and I'll talk to you later". They hugged and Sean whispered, "I couldn't be happier for you Aaron". He smiled and walked back to the kitchen.

They got back to the hotel and they couldn't take it anymore, before either of them knew it they were naked and fell to the bed kissing and touching. They made love slowly and passionately holding each other and whispering soft words of love. Afterwards Spencer pulled Aaron to him for a change and held him all night. He knew how emotional the evening had been for his lover and Spencer just wanted to comfort Aaron. When morning came they were both feeling happy and rested.

They spent another wonderful day in New York and met Sean for lunch. They laughed and talked and Spencer was happy to see the brother re-connecting in a healthy way. It had been a rare wonderful weekend and they were lucky no calls came through to cut their time short. By the time they got back home they were rested and happy.

But it didn't last long because duty always called and the unsubs never stopped, but it was with lighter hearts that they returned to work the following Monday. Someday they hoped to find that peace again.

* * *

><p>SPOILER ALERT***SPOILER ALERT<p>

So, I am in a quandry. After Nelson't Sparrow this is now a slight AU, which I was trying to avoid. I need to make a decision. Should I go back and change the bits with Jason or leave it as is and just not do anything more with the character? Or maybe in Spencer's grief he "sees" Jason. And if I do change it who should be the person that first is taking care of Spencer, should it be Rossi, JJ, Morgan, Ethan or Garcia? Let me know what you guys think. I was trying to keep this fairly canon and when I get to season 10 I know I can't ignore the episode because of the great emotional impact it would have.


	12. Time For Healing

**TIME FOR HEALING**

_Now:_

"Where are we going Papa?" Sasha asked Spencer.

"Somewhere we both need to go sweetheart". When he drove back into the cemetery they had just left only a few hours ago Sasha looked at him with wide sad eyes.

"Why here Papa, why? I don't want to be here," She started crying into her hands. Spencer reached over and started stroking her hair trying to comfort her.

"Because princess, neither of us said goodbye," After the burial they were both numb, neither one could move they had just stared at the lowered casket feeling lost and not knowing what to do. It wasn't until Ethan and Dave had steered the two of them back to their limo that they moved at all.

Spencer parked, got out and moved to open the passenger side door. He bent down and looked at his daughter with love and sadness warring in his eyes. "Honey, come on. No one's here but us this time". She reluctantly got out of the car not sure what her Papa wanted from her. She didn't want to see her Daddy's grave, but she also knew her Papa was right. She didn't say goodbye. They walked hand-in-hand to the fresh grave and Spencer ran his hand over the temporary plaque as he sat down, pulling Sasha into his lap.

"Aaron, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't fast enough, I'm sorry I wasn't good enough to save you. I don't know how to do this without you Aaron. I don't know how to take my next steps, or how to breathe. I can't sleep or eat, even coffee turns bitter in my mouth. Nothing is right and I don't know how to do this…" He bowed his head and let out the gut-wrenching sobs that kept threatening him all day, the ones that kept getting interrupted by well-meaning friends, the ones that kept getting stuck in his throat whenever he thought about his lost love. Sasha turned around in his lap and threw her arms around his neck. Seeing her Papa cry like that she finally felt it was okay to do the same.

Spencer wrapped his arms tightly around her and they stayed like that for a long time, holding each other, letting out all of the pain that they had been holding back for so long. After a while he looked back down, laid a hand on the soft ground and whispered, "Goodbye Aaron. I will miss you. There will never be anyone else". He closed his eyes and tried to calm the raging storm within his heart.

Sasha mimicked Spencer and put her little hand next to his and whispered, "Goodbye Daddy".

They didn't hear the footsteps approaching and when Spencer felt a hand on his shoulder he jumped-up in panic. He looked around and saw someone standing there, someone he hadn't seen in a long, long time.

"I'm sorry. If you don't want me to be here I'll leave". She was tentative and shy with Spencer.

He looked at her with mixed emotions, "Elle, why are you here?" He asked a little sharper than he mean to.

"I'm sorry, I'll go".

He frowned then sighed deeply, "No, Elle, don't go".

She walked up to Reid and asked, "Reid, what's going on?" She knew that Reid and Hotch were close, but she'd stayed away from DC for so long that she didn't know about them.

"What do you mean? What does it look like is going on?" He looked at her like she had just said the dumbest thing in the world.

"Papa?" Sasha looked up at Reid with some fear in her eyes.

"It's okay Sash, this is someone Daddy and I knew a long-time ago". Elle's eye's widened, and she started to put two and two together.

"Reid? You and Hotch? Really? How, how long?"

Spencer smiled cynically, "Depends on who you ask. I guess you could say our story started just after you did, but we were married for only ten years". The tears wanted to fall again, but he didn't want to cry in front of this woman. Someone who he had once thought was a friend, but walked out without saying anything to him.

"Wow, I ah, I don't know what to say…"

"Well Elle, there isn't really anything to say is there? The man I've loved for most of my adult life is gone. My children lost a father. The team lost its leader and friend. What are _you_ going to say?" He hadn't realized that he still harbored a little bit of anger at her. "He was the best of us and I'll never see him again". Spencer whispered as he looked down at the grave fresh silent tears falling. They stayed there like that for a while, not saying anything to each other.

"Why are you here Elle?" Spencer finally acknowledged her again.

"I don't really know. I spent so long being angry at him, at the team. He was right you know". She frowned.

"Right about what?"

"I didn't take responsibility for my actions. I didn't deal properly with what happened to me. It took me a long-time to figure it out. I wanted to come back and apologize".

"Why didn't you?"

She huffed out a laugh, "I was afraid, afraid that he wouldn't forgive me".

"Elle, you know that's not true. He tried to help you, I tried to help you. You pushed us away". He looked at her with such sadness that it broke her heart. "You know he was the one that cleaned up your apartment, don't you?"

She frowned again. She hadn't heard that, "No. Why didn't anyone tell me?"

Spencer smiled, "Because only he and I knew. You know how private he was, he never liked bragging, he just did things and didn't expect anything in return. How did you hear?"

She swallowed hard and when she looked-up at Spencer she suddenly realized what she missed out on, all that time being angry she missed-out on the friendship she had with Reid and it made her want to cry. "I ummm, I sorta kept up with you guys. You were never really far from my mind. I just never had the courage to come back".

"He tried to find you for the first couple of years. He felt he failed you somehow. He'd talk about you from time to time. You should have come back sooner…" Reid bent down picked-up his daughter and turned around to walk back to his car.

"REID," She shouted, "Wait, please?"

"What Elle? What can you possibly say that will help? Nothing, nothing is going to help this and if you really were sorry you would have come back sooner".

"I don't know Reid, I know nothing will help, but, if you give me a chance I want to try".

He stared at her for what seemed an impossibly long time then made a decision. He pulled a card from his pocket and handed it to her, "Not today, but call me and we'll see". He then walked away and left her standing there, the decision was in her hands.

As he made his way back to his house, father and daughter quiet, but somehow coming out to the cemetery and saying goodbye was what they both needed.

* * *

><p><em>Then:<em>

_ Hotch: __Your actions, as incredibly brave as they were, were still the actions of an agent who doesn't truly trust anyone._

_ Morgan: __Hotch, I did it for this team. _

_ Hotch: My opinion doesn't matter, the job's yours if you want it._

_ Morgan: Hotch! Your opinion matters to me._

_ Hotch: __My life matters to me, and I have, and always will, entrust you with it. Would you do the same for me?_

The previous evening:

Reid ran in to the hospital just as Hotch was getting dressed and trying to give orders to the others. He ran up and grabbed the older man in a hug and didn't care who was watching. His fear had gripped him when he saw the video of Aaron being blown away from the SUV.

"Reid," Aaron's breath hitched for in the confusion and trying to help Kate he forgot to check on his lover. "I'm okay". He whispered in Reid's ear.

"Aaron you don't look okay damn it…"

"Reid we don't have time…"

"_We have two god damn minutes Aaron,"_ He yelled. He choked on his next words and said quietly, "We have two damn minutes. I saw the video and I thought…oh god Aaron…."

Hotch conceded for the moment as his arms came around Reid. And, if he was honest with himself he had been scared too. "I know Spencer, I know. I'm sorry". He pulled back and looked into the frightened eyes of his partner, "I'm still here Spencer, I'm still here". He pulled the genius into a tighter hug and held on for a moment. He then broke the contact, "Are you good?" Hotch himself had settled seeing that Reid was okay.

Spencer pulled back and pushed his hair behind his ear in a nervous gesture, "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine". He took a deep breath then looked up and saw his team gathered around them, "Um, sorry guys…"

Morgan walked up and laid a hand on Reid's arm, "Hey kid, we understand". He saw when his friend finally settled and said, "Now, let's go get this son of a bitch". Morgan ran off and checked out the ambulance that had brought Kate and Hotch to the hospital and he saw the bomb. He drove off leaving the team to find the bomb maker and when they had the man committed suicide. It was over, but no one felt any better about it.

Hotch ran back inside to find out what was going on with Kate. When he got to the emergency operating room he knew, he knew his friend was gone and it left a little hole in his heart. A couple of minutes later Spencer walked up behind Aaron and laid a hand on his shoulder, "I'm so sorry Aaron".

He reached up and held Spencer's hand, trying to hold back his emotions, "I know what you guys thought when you first met her. And I saw that flash of jealousy," Aaron looked at Reid, "But, Reid, nothing ever happened between Kate and I. We just worked closely on a couple of projects and we became friends. And, yes it didn't get past me that she looked a lot like Haley". He slid a knowing look over at Reid.

"I didn't say anything".

"_You_ didn't have to. I saw the look in your eye," He turned around and laid a hand on Spencer's cheek, "You don't have to worry about that Spencer," and he gently kissed his lover.

"Are you okay?"

Aaron took a deep breath, "Yeah, yeah I'm okay, but I know I'm going to kick Morgan's ass for his actions". Reid knew Hotch was back in Unit Chief mode and he did not want to be near Morgan when that conversation took place.

"Spencer, I'm not going to be able to fly back with the team. I have to drive back".

"What? Why?" Spencer was getting concerned. He saw only superficial cuts and bruises, he didn't see anything serious and he was quite sure that Aaron would try to keep it from him if there was something more going on.

"Spencer, I'm fine, it's just my eardrum was damaged from the bomb blast".

Spencer frowned, "Are you going to be okay Aaron?" Concern laced his every word.

"Yes, I'll be fine. I just have to follow-up with my doctor and I'm sure everything will be okay". Spencer wanted to believe him, but he felt that Aaron was holding something back. He gave him leeway, for now.

"Okay, are we going back to the station or do you want to try to get some sleep?"

"Why don't you go on ahead, I have something to take care of at the station and I'll be along later". Hotch's stoic demeanor had settled back in place and Reid definitely knew he didn't want to be at the station when Morgan came back.

The next morning the rest of the team was ready to go when Morgan decided he was going to drive Hotch back.

"You sure that is a good idea Derek?" Reid asked with a bit of terror on his face.

"Don't worry, I'll get your man back to you in one piece". Morgan teased.

"It's not Aaron I'm worried about..." Reid teased back and walked off to meet everyone else so they could take off quickly.

Reid tried not to worry on the short trip home. JJ came to sit across from him, "Spence, Aaron is fine".

"I know that JJ, but I was so scared. Seeing that video…" He hung his head slightly trying to school his emotions, "I can't lose him too Jayje".

Her face softened as she reached over and grabbed his hand. "Spence, look at me," He looked up into her pretty blue eyes, "You're not going to lose him, okay?"

He smiled and for some reason hearing it from his best friend let him actually believed it. "Thank you". The rest of the plane ride was uneventful and Spencer was able to get some sleep. The night before had been filled with worry and anxiety.

As he was driving towards home he had an idea, he just hoped that he could pull it off. He made his way over to Haley's and prayed she'd hear him out.

He walked up to the door and knocked and when she opened it she was shocked to see him standing there.

"Dr. Reid," She just couldn't bring herself to call him by his first name, not yet at least. "What are you doing here?"

"Haley, I know this is unusual, but I've come to ask a favor and I know I don't have the right to but this is for Aaron…" His foot was tapping and he was nervous that she was going to turn him away.

She really looked at him and sensed something was wrong. She took a deep breath and decided to let the young man inside. "Come on," she nodded her assent and let Spencer inside.

"Haley, look I know you don't like me and I understand why, but I want to ask you if I can take Jack home with me so that we can surprise Aaron. I know it's not his days with him, but I just know that Aaron would really appreciate having his son with him when he gets home…"

She held up a hand signaling for him to stop his rambling, "Dr. Reid, what's going on?"

Spencer swallowed hard and settled himself, "Haley, I don't know if you were watching the news at all last night.."

She frowned, "Yes," She saw the war going on in the agents mind and she started to put two and two together, "Oh god, Spencer, that explosion, was that…was Aaron involved?"

He lifted his brows and took a mental note that she called him Spencer. He rushed his words because he saw the panic in her eyes, "Yes, but he's okay. He has to drive back. I'll let him explain why, but he lost a friend Haley and the case was…difficult and I just thought…" He sighed deeply, "I understand if you say no…" He stood there waiting to see what she would say.

She contemplated the young man before her for a minute, "Spencer, tell me something honestly first".

"Sure, anything".

"Do you really love Aaron?" She knew the answer, but she'd never really had a full conversation with the genius before.

A slow beautiful smile graced his too pretty face and she knew, "Yes Haley I really do love him. I'm sorry, I never wanted to hurt you…look I'm sorry this whole thing seems to be a bad idea, I'll just go.." Haley laid a hand on his arm to stop him.

"Spencer, what happened in the past is in the past and I promised for Jacks sake that we'd work this out. So, yes, you can take Jack and if you want, keep him through to the weekend. That is if you don't get…"

"The team has been given the next few days off. After what happened they figured we needed the downtime".

Just then the little boy in question woke from his nap and ran into the room. His face lit up when he saw Spencer, "Pencer," He yelled and ran into the outstretched arms. Spencer picked him up and buried his face in the boy's neck. It wasn't only Aaron that needed the comfort of the three year old, Spencer did too. Haley sensed that whatever it was that the team went through it was bad, so she didn't begrudge Dr. Reid the comfort.

After a minute he pulled the boy back so he could look Jack in the face, "Hey buddy, how about you come home with me and we spend the whole rest of the week with Daddy?"

The boy's face lit up and he nodded wildly. Spencer smiled and looked at Haley with a shy smile. "Okay Jack-Jack, but we need to go pack some things for you, okay?" Spencer put him down and the boy ran to his room.

"You're good with him," Haley simply stated.

"I used to not be. Good with kids that is. They called it the Reid effect. Kids and dogs, they didn't like me, but I think it was just because I was terrified of children, but I'm still terrified of dogs. Jack seems to have cured me…" He knew he was rambling again.

"Come on, if I know the little terror he's got half his drawers all torn apart". Spencer noticed that Haley was trying to lighten the mood as they moved to Jacks room.

In no time at all they had a bag packed and Spencer reassured her they had extra clothes at the apartment. "Oh, do you have a carseat?"

"Yup. You won't believe how many weeks I spent on the internet doing research into the best one. I read everything there was to know about car seats and I was surprised by how many safety issues most of them have and after looking at and trying about 20 different…" He saw the look on Haley's face and stopped, "Sorry, I tend to get excited and ramble. Yes, I got the kind that you can change slightly as they grow, but the way he's going he'll be big enough soon that he won't need one".

Haley just shook her head and realized just what it was that Aaron saw. Aaron was such a quiet man that Haley wouldn't be surprised if he saw Spencer's ramblings as charming. She also saw his intelligence, his enthusiasm and the fact that he loved Jack.

"Jack, say goodbye to Mommy and we'll go home and surprise Daddy, okay?"

"Okay Pencer," He ran to his mom, "Bye Mommy, I love you".

She knelt beside her son and gave him a hug, "I love you too Jackers. Be good for your Daddy and Uncle Spencer, okay?"

The little boy enthusiastically shook his head and waived bye as Spencer and Jack left the house.

Aaron arrived home in about three hours. The drive had been emotionally exhausting as he and Morgan hashed out their differences. Morgan was angry that Hotch wouldn't give his recommendation for the position, but he didn't really want to leave the BAU. Aaron was angry that Morgan took such a foolish action. They tried to come to an understanding and agreed to disagree. Morgan dropped him off at his apartment and sped off. All he wanted to do was pour himself a drink, talk Spencer into bed and go to sleep. But, as he was putting his key into the lock, he heard laughing. A child laughing to be exact and he smiled. He walked in and saw Spencer wrestling around on the floor with his son. He just stood there for a moment and savored the sight before him.

"Well, this is quite a surprise". He didn't think the two of them had heard him come in.

"Daddy," Yelled the little boy and he ran and jumped into his father's arms. Aaron hadn't realized until that moment when his arms wrapped around his son just how much he needed him. But, somehow Spencer knew and he made it happen. He put the little boy down and ruffled his hair.

"Spencer," He had no words to convey just what he was feeling.

"I figured that you would need Jack around. Haley said we could keep him here till Sunday".

"You did this for me?" And Aaron was more moved than he had been in a long time.

Spencer smiled that crooked smile that Aaron loved so much. "Yes. Since they gave us this time off I thought I'd at least try…" Before he knew it Aaron was kissing Spencer effectively shutting the younger man up.

"Thank you for this. I don't know what you said to Haley, but thank you for this". Aaron was moved beyond words.

"I just told her you needed your son. She saw the news reports Aaron…"

Aaron closed his eyes and knew that he should probably call and reassure her. Even though their marriage broke up it didn't mean that he didn't care, he did, it was just that everything was different now.

"I'll call her later and reassure her".

"I think that is a good idea. Now, what are we going to do with this little monkey? Huh?"

"How about we go to that little seafood shack on the beach, then we can let this one run off some of that energy".

"You're not tired?"

"Not anymore. I'll get changed, we'll grab some beach stuff then head out. How's that sound?"

Spencer slowly smiled and said, "Sounds amazing. Wanna go to the beach and eat some seafood you little monkey?"

"Yay," Jack threw his arms up and cheered.

About an hour later they were relaxing in beach chairs, eating shrimp and crawfish with corn and potatoes out of a large bucket. Aaron was having a beer and Spencer just some tea, he was going to be the designated driver. They carefully watched as Jack played in the sand and when he wandered towards the water one of them would quickly get up and go with him. When the sun started to descend and the temperatures cooled they piled back in the car and headed home.

Jack was exhausted so Aaron immediately put him to bed and the boy was asleep in seconds. Aaron had decided he'd give the boy a bath in the morning. He then made his way into the bedroom where Spencer had a small stack of books next to him. He was reading through one as Aaron sat down next to him. He grabbed the book from his hand and threw it across the room, then took Spencer's face in his hands and kissed him passionately.

"Thank you again Spencer. We both needed this, but I know you did this for me".

"Aaron I love you and I would do anything to make you happy".

Aaron settled his face into his ever stoic look, but had a wicked gleam in his eye, "Anything Spencer?" His voice low and husky, it made Spencer's eye flash with lust.

Spencer swallowed hard, "And just what did you have in mind Unit Chief Aaron Hotchner?"

"Mmmm, I like it when you call me that". Aaron used his authoritative office voice and it made Spencer hard just hearing it.

Aaron pulled the genius down on the bed and proceeded to ravish him, taking him slow and gentle at first, but thoughts of what they had just gone through entered into his head and his passion ignited. A part of him had feared that Spencer had been hurt also and he was more than relieved when he saw Spencer running into the hospital towards him.

Aaron's fear fueled him and he was rough and demanding and Spencer gave in to every touch, bite and scratch. By the time they both were ready for release their bodies were slick with sweat.

Panting and trying to get his breath back Spencer rolled on top of Aaron, kissing him,"I love you Aaron, don't ever scare me like that again".

Aaron crookedly smiled, "I can't quite promise that, but I promise I will try not to scare you like that again". After some cuddling, they both took showers and settled in for the night.

"So, where should we take Jack tomorrow?" Aaron asked.

"Ooh, I know, the dinosaur museum". Spencer said excitedly.

Aaron kissed the blond head lying on his chest and said, "Of course". He fell asleep and was able to keep the nightmares away, at least for this night.


	13. Time for Understanding

**TIME FOR UNDERSTANDING**

_Now:_

Spencer and Sasha walked back into the house and no one asked where they had gone, most of them had figured out it might have been the cemetery.

Spencer looked around at his friends and he was more than glad that they were all there for him, but it was starting to get late and he was exhausted. He took Sasha into her room to get her changed and ready to go to sleep. When he came back out he looked lost and overwhelmed. Dave noticed this and subtly started talking people into leaving.

Morgan took his wife aside, "Savannah, I'm going to stay here tonight. I'm worried about him…."

She smiled and put a hand on his shoulder, "Derek, you don't have to say anything. I already figured you would. I even packed a bag for you".

"Woman, what did I ever do to deserve you?" He leaned down and kissed her. He picked up his boys and gave them a quick kiss telling him he'd be home probably late the next day.

Penelope started to say that she would stay too, but Morgan stopped her, "Penelope, go home, but come back tomorrow. He's starting to shut down and remember we can't crowd him when he does that, okay?"

"You're right Derek. Make sure he eats? JJ said he didn't really eat anything before."

"I'll try…shhh, don't say it. Go home". She pulled Morgan into a hug and placed a chaste kiss on his cheek.

Everyone said their goodbyes and slowly filed out. Dave had the caterers put the food in the refrigerator so Spencer and the kids would at least have something easy to eat for the next couple of days.

Dave turned to Morgan, "If he needs anything, you'll call me right? I may no longer be part of the team…"

Morgan stopped him, "Rossi, you'll always be part of the team. You can't help it, you still invite us over for dinner old man". He smiled to show he was teasing.

Dave chuckled, patted Morgan on the shoulder and left, he knew he was going to go home to a particular bottle of scotch and get stinking drunk. The only people that were left were JJ, Will and Henry. JJ went up to Morgan, "Derek…"

"I know Jayje. I'm sure he's glad you came. We've missed you around the office, but thank you for being there when we've needed you".

"Derek, he'll always be like a little brother to me. He's still Henry's Godfather, I will always be there when you guys call, and you're still part of my family".

Just then Spencer walked back out of his bedroom. He had changed into some jeans and an old FBI t-shirt that was too big for him. Morgan didn't need to guess that it was probably one of Aaron's and his heart broke just a little.

Spencer looked at JJ, "You're leaving?" He asked so forlornly.

She walked up to him and pulled him into a hug, "I'm not far Spence. If you need me call, okay?"

He just nodded his head and started to look around, "Did Jason leave?"

Both JJ and Derek looked at him funny. It was quite a while before one of them said anything, "Kid, what are you talking about?"

"Gideon. Did he leave without saying goodbye? Again?"

JJ closed her eyes and turned to lean against Will. Derek moved over and put a hand on Spencer's shoulder, he didn't want to break the younger man's heart again, but this was just too much.

"Reid," Morgan took a deep breath, "Spencer, you seriously don't remember?"

"Morgan, what are you…" Then it dawned on him and horror filled his face, "Oh god, oh god Derek, I'm losing it, I'm…." And before he could totally breakdown Morgan pulled him into his arms and let Spencer cry. "How could I forget Morgan….how could I….he was here…all day I saw him here, he was talking to you guys…."

JJ's tears started flowing, she'd never seen Spencer loose it completely and now he was seeing his dead mentor. It broke her heart that losing Aaron had broken something in Spencer that he forgot that Gideon was gone.

"Kid, you're not losing it, what you've gone through no one should have to". He pulled out of Reid's arms and took his face in his hands, "Spencer, you're not losing it….."

Spencer pulled back violently and started yelling, "Oh really Morgan? I'm not losing it? I've been seeing a dead man all day, how is that not freaking losing it? Oh god, I've become delusional…"

"Reid, stop it," Morgan took Spencer's arms and shook him, "You're grieving, you've lost the most important person to you, to be perfectly honest I'm surprised you're doing this well. Spencer, you're recognizing what's going on, you're not delusional and you're not suffering a psychotic break, do you hear me?"

Spencer looked at his best friend and bowed his head as a wave of fresh tears threatened. "Now, I'm not goin' anywhere tonight, okay? I'm going to stay right here you won't be alone".

He looked up at Morgan, then at JJ, then back to Morgan, and he quietly asked, "Then who's been with me all day?"

"Spencer, your friend Ethan, he's been with you, he was the first one to come over. He wanted to make sure you were okay before we came".

"He let me call him Jason, why? Why would he do that?" He looked at Morgan with wide glassy eyes, and grabbed at his jacket and held on, "Morgan, help me?" He looked pleadingly at Derek.

Morgan grabbed his shoulders and looked right at Reid, "I'm right here kid, I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

"Thank you, thank you Derek," He just patted Morgan on the shoulder and made his way into the bedroom.

As soon as he was out of earshot JJ launched herself into Morgan's arms, "Oh god Derek, what's happening to him?"

Morgan's strong arms came around the petite blonde, "I don't know Jayje, I don't know".

* * *

><p><em>Then:<em>

_Emily: Hey_

_ Reid: __(Looks up from his book) Hey_

_ Emily: (Takes his hand and he looks up) Reid, I need you to listen to me. What Cyrus did to me was not your fault. It was my decision (pauses as she thinks about her actions) and I would do it again...do you hear me?__ (Reid looks at her bruise and sighs)_

_ Reid: (whispers) Thank You_

_(Reid strokes her hand then looks at his book smiling whilst Emily looks out the window "pink-cheeked")_

They deplaned several hours later and no one wanted to go into the office. Hotch gave them the rest of the day off and told them to go home and rest, especially Emily. Hotch walked behind Spencer, hand on the small of his back as they made their way to Hotch's SUV.

As they made their way home Spencer sighed deeply.

"Spencer?" Aaron asked softly, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, no, I don't know, I don't know Aaron…" He looked out the window at the passing scenery, not really seeing it as they went.

"Spencer," He took one hand off the wheel and grabbed one of Spencer's and laced their fingers together, "When the church blew up, I was terrified Spencer. When I didn't see you…" Hotch had to still his heart and the raw emotions that were churned up. He wanted to sit next to him on the plane, but he had sensed that his lover needed to be close to Emily.

"We do seem to attract a lot of people who like to blow things up, don't we?" Spencer said with a sarcastic tone to his voice. "I mean, seriously, how many more explosions can we take?" He looked over at Aaron with furrowed brow.

Aaron quickly looked over at Spencer and laughed. "You do have a point there Spencer. Unfortunately it's part of our job. Bombs, serial bombers, terrorists and cults fall to the BAU quite often. You know this Spencer. What's really bothering you?" Aaron returned to watching the road in front of him.

Spencer's frown deepened, "Do I look like I'm weak Aaron? Do I really act like I need so much god damned protecting?" Spencer was still reeling over what Emily had done and even though he had thanked her, he still didn't understand why she did it.

Aaron sighed, this was an old argument and he just didn't know how to reassure Spencer, "Reid you are anything but weak. We protect each other on this team and Emily believes she did the right thing. And I do to. As much as I hate what she went through, she kept you focused on Cyrus. That is one of your greatest strengths Spencer, your ability to talk people down. And even though you've take stupid chances in the past, people listen to you. You were the one that almost got through to him Spencer. Cyrus was beginning to listen to you. If Emily hadn't done what she did, the outcome may have been very different".

Spencer took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "I guess you're right". But he still wasn't convinced.

"Maybe you need to talk to Emily a bit more. Tell her what you are really feeling because if I know one thing about you Spence, you are going to carry around that guilt and somehow think it was your fault when it wasn't. Okay?"

Spencer heard the truth in those words and knew that he needed to talk more with Emily, "Okay Aaron. Thank you".

They finally made it home and all they wanted to do was get cleaned-up and go to bed. It had been a long, frustrating and terrifying three days, especially for Aaron. He was still dealing with his hearing issues, and keeping it together while two of his agents, one his lover, were held captive put a strain on him. He thanked God that Rossi had been there to help him through the ordeal.

When he parked and they got out of the car, they were suddenly bum rushed by an almost three year old blond headed boy who was crying out for Spencer.

Haley walked up to them, "I'm sorry. You guys look exhausted, but he wouldn't settle. He saw the news, the explosion and you Dr. Reid," _We're back that?_ Thought Spencer, but he knew Haley was trying so he let it go for now. "He got scared…"

Spencer was standing there with the crying little boy in his arms trying to soothe him.

Aaron put a hand on her arm, "It's okay Haley. I was going to call you anyway, but things got complicated really fast after that. I'm so sorry he saw that". Aaron walked over and pulled Spencer, who was still holding Jack, into his arms. Jack turned around and put one arm around Aaron's neck while keeping one around Spencer and they stood like that holding each other, not caring that their neighbors were probably watching. After a few minutes Aaron took Jack from Spencer and looked him in the face.

"Hey buddy, you okay now?"

"Daddy, I was scared".

"I know buddy. And you know what?"

"What?"

"I was scared too, but we're okay. Spencer's okay". He hugged the boy tightly and asked," Will you be able to sleep now Jack?"

Jack furrowed his brow, so much like his father, and slowly shook his head. "Do you want to call me when you get back home to be sure we're okay?"

He nodded his head, "Can Pencer weed me a stowie?"

Aaron turned and looked at his ex-wife, her face softened, "Only if you promise that you'll go to bed".

Spencer smiled at Jack, "Hey Jack-Jack, why don't you go home with Mommy, then have her call us and I'll read you a story till you fall asleep, okay?"

Jack looked satisfied with that, "Okay Uncle Pencer".

"Aaron, Spencer, again…"

"Haley, you never have to be sorry. I always want to do what's best for Jack". She smiled sadly because she felt so excluded seeing how Aaron and Spencer were with Jack, but she was beginning to truly understand just how deep her ex-husbands feelings were for Spencer. She also began to understand that maybe her and Aaron never truly had that. Oh she didn't doubt he had loved her, but maybe they hadn't loved enough and she was beginning to understand that maybe she played a part in pushing Aaron away and into Spencer's arms. She walked back to her car with these thoughts swirling around in her head.

They bundled Jack in the car seat and Haley promised she would call when she got home and got him settled in bed. About an hour later she made good on her promise. Spencer sat on the bed and 'read' a story from memory to Jack, but he could tell the little boy was asleep before he was even halfway through. Haley picked-up the phone and thanked the young agent. They spoke for a few minutes and hung up on a more positive note with each other. Spencer felt a change in Haley, but he didn't want to say anything, didn't want to spoil the hard won truce that he felt from the woman. He put the phone down and was still smiling when Aaron came to bed.

"What put that smile on my genius?" Aaron teased.

"Your genius? I am my own person Aaron…" Aaron kissed him before he rambled off into a tirade. "Okay, I guess you can call me your genius if you keep kissing me like that". Spencer smiled at his lover. "I think there is now an unspoken truce between Haley and I. I have no idea what I did…"

"You took Jack into your heart Spencer. She has seen you with him several times now and has come to understand that you love him just as much and she and I do. You've unconsciously claimed him as part of your family."

"Until Jack I was afraid of kids, maybe that's where the Reid-effect came from". He laughed at himself and Aaron just found it so endearing that he grabbed the young man and pulled him on top of him and started a new round of kissing.

"I don't say this often, but Aaron, as nice as this feels I am just too damn tired". Aaron held Spencer's head in his hands for a minute before he pulled him into a tight hug.

"I just need you right here for a little bit Spence. God, I was so scared. Scared that the outcome would be quite different and when the dust settled and I saw you there, my relief…" Aaron closed his eyes and willed the tears that were leaking to stop.

"I admit I was scared too, but I'm still here Aaron, and I'm not going anywhere". He didn't want to say anymore, didn't want to spoil the good mood he had suddenly found himself in. He just laid there encircled in the strong and comforting arms of his love and he quickly fell asleep.

* * *

><p>Reid had been looking over at Emily off and on all day. He had wanted to talk to her but he didn't know how to say what he wanted to say.<p>

"Reid, if you don't stop staring at me I swear to god…" She saw the stricken look on Reid's face and sighed. He looked like he wanted to talk, but was having a hard time getting out what he wanted to say. She looked at him for just a minute and made a decision, "Come on, I'll buy you a cup of coffee".

"Emily.."

She put a hand on his arm, "Reid, you look like you need to talk, so let's get out of here for a little bit and I'll buy you a cup of coffee, okay?"

He contemplated for a minute before he agreed. He glanced up at Hotch's office and saw him looking down at Emily and him. Hotch nodded that it was okay, he knew Spencer needed to get some things off his chest, that his short talk with Emily on the plane wasn't enough.

Morgan also noticed the two of them leaving the building and breathed a sigh of relief. He hoped that Prentiss would get the kid to open up and help him purge the feelings of guilt he knew that Spencer was holding onto.

They got to the small café and Emily, knowing Reid as well as she did, got him black coffee and brought back a handful of sugar packets. She winced when she saw just how much he was putting in his coffee.

"How have you not developed Diabetes is what I'd like to know". She teased.

He looked up and started to go off about the statistical possibility of how unlikely it would be for him to develop the disease. She put a hand on his arm to stop him, "Reid, tell me," She looked right in his eyes.

Spencer knew she wasn't talking about his rant, but what he was feeling, "Emily, you don't…" She saw he was struggling to put into words what he wanted to ask. She also knew how intensely private Spencer was and how hard it was for him to open up. She saw the struggle and patiently waited, "Emily, I'm not weak". He looked at her, deep frown on his face.

"Reid, I have never thought of you as weak. In fact, after everything you've been through I see you as one of the strongest men I know".

"Then why Emily? Why did you do what you did? I could have..."

She put a hand on his arm to stop him. "Reid I knew what they were probably going to do to us or to one of us at least. I was tied up and beaten. Spencer, no one, and I mean no needs to go through something like that a second time". She looked at him pointedly. "Plus, I have seen you talk us out of some of the hairiest situations. You're too good at talking people down. From what Morgan tells me you almost had Cyrus to the point that he was going to give up. That is _your _strength Reid".

He frowned and somewhere deep down he understood, "It's just that I sometimes feel like you guys think I'm some fragile thing that needs protecting..."

"Reid, this isn't about you, we are a team and I will always have your back and I won't ever think of you as weak. Do you understand? I admire what you can do, how you think and frankly us nerds have to stick together". She smiled and hoped he would understand.

She saw he still looked a little lost and easily came to the decision to ask him over. "Tell you what, why don't you come over for some pizza and a so bad it's good movie night, just the two of us, like we used to do. I think Hotch can survive one night without you, don't you?"

"Depends on the movie," He playfully pouted.

"I got the perfect one, have you ever seen _Beyond the Valley of the Dolls_? It's so bad it's totally awesome, bad sex, bad rock music and one crazy dream sequence". She steered clear of mentioning the drugs but somehow she knew Reid would be okay with the movie. She smiled and hoped he'd say yes.

"I guess he can live without me for one night". He smiled back and looked forward to a night of reconnecting with a good friend.

"Good, because you're important to me Reid, and I will always have your back". He shyly smiled at her and his heart lifted and he was able to let go of some of that guilt he had built up inside of him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Beyond the Valley of the Dolls is a really bad, but so bad its good b-movie from 1970. Seriously weird movie that I've seen like 10 times or more. It was written by none other than movie critic Roger Ebert and filmed by notorious b-movie direct Russ Meyer. If any of you like bad b-movies so worth it.


	14. Time for Reconnecting

**A/N:** I really can't say this enough, but thank you to everyone who has reviewed, followed and favorite. HOTCHFANATIC your words and reviews really encourage me and make me want to write the best stories for you guys. The Celt, you too are awesome as always. All my guests, thank you for stopping in and reading my version of what Hotch and Reid would be like in this world. Everyone, sincerely I thank you.

* * *

><p><strong>TIME FOR RECONNECTING<strong>

Spencer woke-up to the sounds of cooking, but he didn't get out of bed right away. He laid there not moving, not wanting to move and just stared up at the ceiling. _Aaron, I miss you Aaron, I need you so much, I need you to help me. I think I'm going crazy without you. I saw Gideon. Why him? Why didn't I see you? I would give anything to see you at least one more time. I love you Aaron, I love you. _Silent tears flowed as these thoughts ran through his head as he heard Jack helping to get Sasha up. She was still home for a couple of more days from school and Jack had taken a short bereavement leave from college so that he could be there for his sister and Spencer.

Spencer heard a knock on the door but he didn't turn to look, "Reid, come on man you gotta get up. You need to get up and eat something Reid".

"I don't want to get up Morgan," Spencer said as he stared at the ceiling.

Morgan sighed deeply. He knew the crash was coming, had seen it coming after the funeral the day before. Spencer had been running on empty for three weeks now, barely keeping it together to help Sasha and to plan the funeral. Now, now when it was all over with nothing to plan and Jack here to take care of Sasha, the crash hit and it worried Morgan.

"Kid, you gotta get up now".

"Why? Why do I need to get up? Why do I need to keep going? Huh Morgan?" Spencer was angry, angry that for the second time in his life the person he loved most was taken from him.

Derek moved into the room and sat on the bed next to Spencer, "Spencer, you need to get up because you have a daughter who needs you. If not for yourself you need to pull yourself together for her".

Spencer rolled onto his side and put his head on Morgan's lap, being friends as long as they had he felt like it was okay. It wasn't unlike times on the plane when his head would drop on Morgan's shoulder in sleep. To Spencer, Morgan would always be like a brother to him.

Morgan laid a hand on Spencer's shoulder and squeezed, he tried to convey the love he felt for the younger man. "I can't even imagine how hard this is for you Spencer. I know we say this all the time and it never seems adequate but man I am so sorry for your loss. But, I miss him too Reid. I miss arguing with him, going to him with questions, hearing him tell me what a good job I'm doing with the team". Morgan had to swallow past the lump in his throat as he saw his best friend shedding silent tears, "You know that even after I became Unit Chief I still saw us as his team. Even after JJ left and Rossi left, when Ashley decided to come back, it still felt like Aaron's team". He patted Spencer on the shoulder. "Kid, he impacted a lot of lives and inspired a lot of people, we all feel the loss".

Spencer was openly crying, as if he hadn't cried enough the day before. He felt like that was all he was going to do for the rest of his life, miss Aaron and cry at the thought that he'd have to go the rest of his life without him.

Morgan squeezed his shoulder again, laid his head back on the headboard and closed his eyes. He wished he knew how to help his friend, but he knew that this was going to be a long time before Spencer was able to let go.

Just then Jack came in the room and saw Morgan with Spencer. At first he was going to back out and leave them, but he knew he had to help somehow.

"Papa, Sasha's asking for you. She needs to see you up". When Spencer didn't respond, he came over to the bed and sat opposite Morgan, but facing Spencer. "I'm going to be transferring schools this next semester". He said very matter-of-fact and the frown he wore was so like Aaron's that Spencer actually smiled a tiny smile.

"Why are you doing that Jack? You're almost done…"

"Because you and Sasha need me. I've already looked into it and have spoken with my professors. They've already written letters of recommendation so I can pursue my MA when I graduate. It won't be hard and I've already applied to Marymount, Southeastern and Georgetown".

Spencer sat up and took Jack's hand, "Are you sure Jack? We'll be okay…"

"No Papa, you're not okay and I want to be here for you. I couldn't really help Dad when my Mom died, but I can help you. Please, let me?"

Spencer laid a hand on Jack's cheek and lightly patted it. "Okay Jack…Okay". Spencer then got up and made his way into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day before him.

"Uncle Derek…"

"One day at a time kiddo, one day at a time".

* * *

><p><em>Then<em>

_ Garcia: Reid, we've been all up in your father's business._

_ Reid: What'd you find?_

_ Garcia: Let me tell you first what I did not find, no kiddie porn, no membership to elicit websites, no dubious e-mails, no chatroom history._

_ Reid: What about his finances?_

_ Hotch: We went back ten years no questionable transactions that we could find._

_ Prentiss: Well he did buy a ticket to see Celine Dion six months ago, but I think we can over look that. [looks to the side and shrugs sarcastically]_

_ Reid: He's smart is it possible he kept things under the table?_

_ Hotch: Well of course but from what we can tell Reid he doesn't fit the profile._

_ Prentiss: We can tell you other things about him if you want to know._

_ Reid: [shakes his head slightly] I'm listening_

_ Prentiss: He's a workaholic, he actually logs more hours than we do, he makes decent money but he doesn't spend a lot of it, he has a modest house, he drives a hybrid, he doesn't travel much, he stays away from the casinos, um and according to his veterinary bills he has a very sick cat._

_ Hotch: He appears to spend most of his free time alone, he goes to the movies a lot and he reads. And from his collection of first editions it seems his favorite author is ah..._

_ Reid: Isaac Asimov, I remember that one_

_ Garcia: He does have one other major interest on his home computer he's archived like a gagillion things on one common subject._

_ Reid: What?_

_ Garcia: [smiling] You kiddo he's got like everything that's been published online every article you've ever been quoted in pieces you've written for Behavioral Science journals he even has a copy of your dissertation._

_ Rossi: He's keeping tabs on you, that's saying something_

_ Reid: Yeah, that he googled me, like that makes up for everything, I'm going to get some air._

Reid walked out of the casino so he could get some distance and clear his head. After walking for a few minutes his personal cell phone rang.

"Yeah," He said rather abruptly.

"Spencer, it's me. Talk to me, what's really going on in your head?"

He stopped for a moment, closed his eyes and breathed deep, "Aaron, he lived less than nine miles from me this whole time. I just don't understand, why? Why couldn't he come see me?" He frowned deeply as he thought of all the years he was alone and tried to take care of a schizophrenic mother by himself.

"I can't give you those answers Spence. Only he can, but this isn't the way. From everything we've gone through your father doesn't fit the profile of a child molester and murderer. Look just come home and try to put this behind you". Aaron didn't know how to help. He had wanted to stay behind, but he couldn't because he needed to finish the reports on the Bridges kidnapping as well as other responsibilities as Unit Chief. "I'm sorry I couldn't stay Spencer..."

Spencer breathed in and out for a minute as he tried to get his emotions under control. A part of him had wanted Aaron to stay, but he knew he had to get back home to Virginia, "Aaron, it's okay, really. Look I know you don't understand, but I need to see this through. I don't know how my father's involved, but he's involved and I just...I need to know Aaron". Reid was practically begging for his partner to understand the need for him to know the truth.

"Okay, okay. I understand, but Reid, I think you need to really listen to Morgan and Dave. Gary Michaels fits the profile much better".

Spencer heard what Aaron was trying to tell him, but his judgment was clouded. His anger at his father was making him lose objectivity. "Fine," He let out a frustrated sigh, "Aaron...thank you".

"For what?" Aaron thought he knew but he waited to hear it from Reid.

"For helping me with this, for letting me try to work this out. I know I'm taking up..."

"Spencer, stop. This was obviously affecting you. I can give you a little more leeway, but Reid,"

"Yeah?"

"You do need to get this wrapped up quickly, okay? I need you guys back here. I need _you_ back here".

Spencer smiled for the first time that day, "Okay Hotch, and for what it's worth, I need you too. Love you".

Aaron smiled into the phone wishing he could take away all of the pain from Spencer's father's abandonment, but he couldn't. He had to let Spencer work this out on his own, what he could give him was love and understanding. "I love you too, hurry back". Aaron hung up and Spencer felt a little better.

Spencer went back inside and Morgan and Rossi found him playing video poker and getting hit on by a high-end prostitute. The next couple of days were a flurry of activity and finally Spencer had the whole story. His mother had been there the night that Lou Jenkins killed Gary Michaels. His father figured out where she was and how he tried to protect her, but the weight of that knowledge had driven a wedge between Spencer's parents and his father couldn't stay.

Spencer and his father made a few steps toward reconciliation. But he wasn't quite ready to forgive his father, but the initial steps had been taken. While on the way home he, Rossi and Morgan found out about JJ going into labor and as soon as they landed Spencer quickly made his way to the hospital. As soon as he walked into JJ's room and saw Aaron, then JJ he was able to finally settle. Aaron pulled him into a hug before he let him go to JJ.

"I just went through fifteen hours of labor yet you look worse than I do".

"Don't be ridiculous, you look beautiful". He stared at JJ watching her with her son and felt happy and yet a little melancholy at the same time. It brought all those memories to the surface, but he pushed them down for the time being.

JJ's boyfriend Will got everyone out of the room so that Spencer and JJ could have a few minutes alone. She had asked Spencer to be Henry's godfather and Spencer felt so honored. When he took the just hour's old infant in his arms he was moved beyond tears. He now had two children in his life that he would do anything to protect.

"So Spencer, if anything ever happens to Will or I it will be your job to make sure he gets into Yale".

"Yale, Yale that was your Godfather's safety school. I can get you into CalTech with just one phone call". He smiled down at the child and a sudden peace settled in his heart.

Just then Aaron came back in to check on JJ and Spencer and smiled. He had only ever seen Spencer with Jack but seeing him hold the baby just made his heart stop. It was a picture he'd hold in his mind for the rest of their lives.

"Hey," Aaron approached his lover and laid a hand on his arm.

Spencer looked up and the smile on his face made Aaron's heart flutter, "Why don't we let JJ rest. We can come back tomorrow and visit, that is if you want visitors?"

JJ smiled, "Of course. They will probably discharge us the next day, but you should go home and get some rest".

In a rare display of affection outside of Aaron, he leaned down and hugged JJ. He and Aaron then left, but because they had two cars they made their way home separately. Spencer's thoughts were a dizzying mess as he thought about the last few days. Being in Vegas, saving the Bridges boy, then everything after made him question his own childhood and the unresolved anger he harbored towards his father.

When he finally walked in the door Aaron launched himself off the couch where he'd been reading and went over and took Spencer in his arms and kissed him softly. He heard the slight hum coming from his lover and he deepened the kiss. His right arm went around Spencer's waist as his left snaked its way up to caress the back of the young agents head. Aaron changed the angle of the kiss after a minute and Spencer just couldn't think anymore. Finally his arms went around Aaron and he started to caress his back as one arm wandered down to the older man's ass and pulled his lover in tight.

"Hmmm, let's take this into the bedroom," Spencer smiled and pulled his Unit Chief along. Suddenly, as soon as they entered, Spencer turned and was all over Aaron, he pulled Aaron's shirt off him and flung it to the side. He moved in and started sucking at the sensitive flesh of the older man's neck, being careful not to leave any marks. He nipped and licked his way down Aaron's neck and shoulder. His arms were wrapped around Aaron's back and Spencer was scratching, leaving long red tendrils from shoulder to waist.

"Oh god, Spencer…don't…don't stop," Aaron was giving into letting Spencer take control, he felt the need coming off of Spencer in waves of heat and passion. Spencer pulled back and pushed Aaron down on the bed, collapsing on top of his lover, taking his mouth in hot, rough kisses. He ran his tongue along Aaron's jaw, biting pulling moans of pleasure from the man beneath him as he roughly ground his pelvis against the older mans.

After a few minutes Spencer sat up and with shaking hands got Aaron's belt and zipper undone, he moved off so that he could get the offending garments off his lover. Spencer wanted Aaron naked and he wanted it now. While standing he quickly undressed so that he was naked also. Finally with nothing between them Spencer moaned deeply as he felt flesh meeting flesh. He started to lick, bite and scratch his way down Aaron's body and no spot was left untouched. From head to toe he claimed his lover with rough hands and even rougher mouth. By the time Spencer finally claimed his Unit Chiefs hard member Aaron was a writhing mess of want and need, just how Spencer wanted him.

When Spencer's warm mouth finally descended on Aaron's throbbing cock, he yelled, "Fuck, Spencer…god yes," He started to buck up into Spencer's very willing mouth, but Spencer pushed Aaron's hips down, holding him there while he scraped teeth along the sensitive flesh, licking a stripe up the dark throbbing vein. Spencer started to bob his head enthusiastically up and down Aaron's hard member, hallowing his cheeks and sucking hard. Aaron's hands were fisted in Spencer's hair and he was trying not to force Spencer, but god that mouth felt amazing to Aaron. When Spencer started to feel like Aaron was about to come, he slowed down, sat up and moved to the nightstand and grabbed the lube.

Aaron was just watching in anticipation, wanting Spencer to hurry, but knew that his lover needed to be in control for this night. Spencer slicked up his fingers and as he went back to sucking Aaron's cock, he pushed one finger past the tight puckered hole. He heard his lover's breath catch as he started to move the digit in and out, hooking the finger just so as he hit that spot that he knew drove Aaron crazy. By the time he added a third finger and was moving them in and out stretching the entrance, Aaron was begging with need.

"Spencer, please, now I need you now," Spencer smiled down at his lover, loving the fact that he could reduce the always cool and in control Unit Chief down to this writing, begging mass of flesh beneath him.

"Mmm, Aaron, so hot, so hot when you beg me," He leaned down and claimed the older man's mouth as he finally entered Aaron in one swift stroke. His lover cried out at feeling Spencer fill him all at once. At first Spencer wanted to take it slow, but as soon as he felt Aaron's heat wrap around him he lost all control and started to move hard and fast. He grabbed Aaron by the back of the thighs and bent his legs up so that he could change the angle of his thrusts hitting Aaron's prostate in just the right place.

"Fuuuuck," Aaron cried out as Spencer fell on top and set a brutal pace, chasing the release he so desperately was seeking. Aaron thought he was going to lose it when he felt Spencer's hand fist his cock and started pumping furiously.

"Come for me Aaron, I want to watch you come," Aaron looked in his lover's eyes and saw passion and love all mixed together. That alone drove Aaron over the edge and he cried out as he came in thick white streams all over Spencer's hand and stomach.

Spencer felt Aaron's muscles contract around his cock and he grabbed his lover's hips and pumped a few more times before he finally felt his release as he spilled deep inside his lover's ass. He collapsed in a sweaty, sticky mess on top of Aaron, but he didn't care as strong arms came around him and held him there.

"God, Spencer…you're going to kill me one of these days if we keep this up," Aaron teased as he kissed the top of Spencer's head.

Spencer wrapped his arms as best he could around Aaron, "Yeah, but it will be a nice way to go," He teased back. After a few minutes Spencer sat up, "I'm going to go take a quick shower and clean up".

Aaron was loathe to let him go, but he did because he wanted to do the same. As soon as they were both showered they made their way to the bed and collapsed under the sheets.

Aaron pulled the genius to him, holding him tight, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Spencer was quiet for a time and Aaron thought the genius wasn't going to answer but he finally did, "I just don't understand Aaron. I mean I know he explained things, but he could've come back, or at least come to see me. He said he loved me but I just…" The deep emotions he had been holding back wanted to surface.

"You just what Spence?"

"I just don't understand". He practically yelled anger lacing every word, " I mean I look at you and Haley, even after everything you've been through you still make time for Jack. You show him as much as possible how much you love him. You didn't abandon him, how could my father do that to me?" Then the tears he'd been holding back started to fall.

Aaron took a deep breath and pulled Spencer in tighter, he didn't really have the answers that Spencer was looking for but he thought he'd try. "I don't know Spencer, and I know the explanation he gave will never be sufficient. It will never heal the hurt you feel for him walking out on you. I can only tell you that he does care. He kept up with you and he's proud of you. Maybe you need to give him a chance to show it and only then will you be able to let go".

"You'd never do that to Jack, would you?"

"Sometimes I feel like I am doing it to Jack". He sighed deeply as his feelings of guilt about not being there as much as he'd like rose up. "I'm not there as much as I should be, but I'm trying. But, no Spencer I'd never completely abandon my son, but I'm not your father". Hotch had a terrifying thought float across his mind, "God, I hope you don't see me that way…" Hotch had a horrified expression on his face.

Spencer sat up and had a similar look, "Oh god no. That is not how I see you at all. I mean, yes you've been there for me and it can be construed that way, but yeah, I am not putting my father issues onto you. You're not _that_ much older". Reid laughed when Hotch narrowed his eyes at him knowing how sensitive he could be about the age difference.

"Oh come on Aaron, you can't possibly think that matters to me do you? I love you and our age difference is the least of my concerns".

Aaron raised a brow, "Oh, you have concerns about us?" He said playfully.

Now it was Spencer who narrowed his eyes at the Unit Chief, "You know that's not what I meant".

Aaron rolled on top of Spencer, holding him down, "Oh really? What did you mean then Doctor Reid?" He leaned down and kissed the genius.

"I just mean in the everyday of our lives that the difference in our ages means nothing to me". His mouth was captured in another kiss and he hummed appreciatively against Aaron's lips. "I think I'm just going to shut-up now".

"Mmm hmm, I think that's a very good idea". Aaron then proceeded to ravish the young genius turning the tables and taking him slowly, making love to him and letting him know just how much he loved him. After they were spent they quickly fell asleep curled into each other and yet again kept the nightmares at bay for at least one night.

* * *

><p>Okay peeps, I don't say it often, but reviews are my pie, so give me some bubbling peach cobbler with homemade ice cream on the side. Yummm. Thank you.<p> 


	15. Time For Remembering

**A/N: **This is a play off of the story _She Saw Him When _By HotchRocks. I loved her story so much that I asked her if I could play of it for this chapter, she graciously has let me. So thank you I hope I've done you and the episode justice with this installment.

* * *

><p>It was now two days after the funeral and Spencer knew on some level that he couldn't give in. Oh it was tempting to just lie in bed and let go, and the old craving was pulsing through him as well but he knew that he couldn't give in to it either. Aaron wouldn't want him to languish and grieve, wouldn't want him to relapse into the haze of drugs he'd want him to live, to go on and he was trying, he really was. He kept asking himself if the pain would ever go away or if it would just subside and be a dull everlasting ache. He didn't know, wouldn't know for a long time.<p>

Spencer knew he had to fight it with everything he had for Jack and Sasha he had to try to stay strong. He didn't kid himself though, he knew he wasn't okay and he knew also that it would be a very long time before he was okay, but he was at least going to try. So he got up, took a shower, got dressed and went to go make some coffee. These were the little things he could do, the things he could control so he did them, even if it was somewhat mechanical.

When he got to the kitchen he saw that Jack was standing there, coffee cup in hand and staring at nothing. Spencer walked in, took the cup out of Jack's hand and pulled the young man to him. Jack let himself be comforted, this was harder than he could ever imagine. His arms came around Spencer and he just held on tight. After a few minutes Spencer pulled back, took Jack's face in his hands and remarked to himself, not for the first time how his eyes were just like Aaron's.

"We'll be okay Jack. I don't know how and I don't know when, but you have to trust that we'll be okay." Spencer knew the words were true. He had let his family in this time when he needed them most and that small act was the best thing he could have done.

"I know Papa. Do you think…" His eyes widened at what he was about to say. He didn't want to hurt Spencer anymore than he already was hurting.

Spencer instinctually knew what Jack was going to say, "Jack, never be afraid to talk about Haley, you know that. You're mom and I came to an understanding. While we hadn't exactly become friends, we did have one thing in common that we loved."

"What?"

Spencer smiled at the young man, "You Jack. We both loved you and we put aside our differences because we loved you and didn't want you to be hurt. At the time it was a noble goal and I know Aaron and I had our problems, but it never stopped me from loving you. And, yes I think maybe they are somehow reunited." Spencer smiled at that thought.

Jack held back his emotions, often adopting his father's stoicism, "Thanks Papa."

Just then there was a knock on the door and Spencer went to answer it. When he did he was stunned.

"Mom, Dad…how? I thought you guys couldn't…" Spencer couldn't hold it in as he grabbed his mother in a hug. When her arms came around him he didn't hold back. He cried into her shoulder and just couldn't stop.

"Oh Spencer, my beautiful boy," She held him to her and tried to comfort him as best as she could. When he pulled away he grabbed his father in a hug as well. He pulled away after a minute and was overwhelmed that his parents were able to come.

"Grandma, Grandpa, you guys made it…I thought you…"

"Jackie boy, come here and give you're Grandma a hug." He stepped up and took Diana in his arms and hugged her tight. He then gave William a hug as well and he felt overwhelmed himself.

"We finally got the all clear from her doctor. The new regimen is working better than they ever hoped. I'm sorry we weren't here Spencer…"

Spencer was overwhelmed. When he had talked to his Dad about them coming out for the funeral his mom was having an episode and William wasn't sure if Diana would be able to make it. William however made sure that he called Spencer everyday to check up on him to see if he was doing okay.

"Dad, I know, it's okay. It was enough to know you wanted to be here. How long can you stay?"

"Well, if Diana keeps doing this well, we're going to try to stay for the week. We'll play it by ear though."

Spencer knew what his Dad meant, "I understand. Thank you" Spencer was overwhelmed with emotion.

Juts then Sasha came into the living room. She had been curled up asleep on Aaron's couch in his study. They knew that she had been doing that and both Jack and Spencer let her. It was a way for her to stay connected and a way for her to grieve. Her eyes got wide as she saw her grandparents standing there. She was still a little scared of Diana after the last time they had visited her. It started out as a good day, but Diana had gotten overwhelmed and she had a panic attack, which induced an episode. Spencer and Aaron knew what to do and they got her calmed down with the help of one of the nurses, but It had still scared the little girl so she was shy around her Grandmother.

"Sasha, its okay honey, come here." Spencer encouraged his daughter to come over.

"Hi Grandma," She said quietly wary eyes watching the couple.

Diana knew where the girls fear was coming from. She moved to the couch and sat down, "Come here my little pumpkin," She held out her arms hoping the little girl would accept them. Sasha looked at her father and he nodded his head yes and she practically ran into the woman's arms.

"Oh sweet girl, you're grandma's here," She pulled the little girl on her lap and wrapped her arms around her. "You know I used to hold you're Papa like this when he was little. Of course I'd be reading to him at the time." The not so obvious hint didn't go unnoticed by anyone.

Spencer let out a small laugh and went to retrieve one of Sasha's favorite books for Diana to read to her granddaughter.

* * *

><p><em>Megan: Aaron, Aaron Hotchner<em>

_ Hotch: Hello, I'm at a disadvantage you seem to know my name but I don't know yours can we start there?_

_ Megan: I thought I could trust you Aaron_

_ Hotch: Who says you can't_

_ Megan: I thought I could trust you, I even looked you up online. Is that strange?_

_ Hotch: No, it's flattering to be noticed by a woman like you_

_ Megan: I thought you were so upstanding. I watched the presentation you gave on school shootings, it's the one posted on youtube and for a moment I actually thought there were still good people in the world._

_ Hotch: But I've disappointed you haven't I? Just like all the other men in your life who walked out on their families who deserved to be punished._

_ Megan: Did you walk out on your family?_

_ Hotch: No my wife left me_

_ Megan: Do you have kids?_

_ Hotch: I have a son_

_ Megan: How often do you see him?_

_ Hotch: I try to see him every week_

_ Megan: [sarcastic laugh] Do you see him every week?_

_ Hotch: No I don't get there as often as I want_

_ Megan: I believe you but don't compare yourself to the men I see you are nothing like them_

"Thank you Aaron." Megan was starting to fade and Hotch was confused by her words. He felt he hadn't done enough to save her, to try to help her.

"For what?" He asked her gently, holding her hand feeling her time was near. A part of him wanted to reach out and stroke her cheek, to give her more than what he was giving, but he held back.

"You saved me, a long time ago." She smiled sadly as she looked him the eye and slipped so silently into death.

Aaron was still holding Megan Kane's hand when the EMT's came into the room. He looked up at them with haunted eyes, "It's too late." He launched himself out of the chair and stalked past Morgan and the EMT's. Morgan tried calling his name but he pretended not to hear.

Spencer was waiting for him when he got to his hotel room and he was more than glad to see him.

Spencer got up off the bed and went over to engulf Aaron in a hug. "I'm sorry Aaron." He laid a hand on his lover's face and pulled him in for a gentle kiss. Aaron pulled back and laid his forehead on Spencer's, trying to even out his breathing, trying to get his stormy emotions under control.

"She knew me Spencer. I don't know how, but she knew me." Aaron let go of Spencer and walked over to the mini-bar and pulled out a bottle of scotch.

"What are you talking about?"

"She said I saved her and she thanked me. She still died and she said I saved her?" He looked at his lover with stormy eyes, confusion and pain mixed together. It was difficult in the best of times to lose an unsub, but Megan was truly a tragic character in her own play. Abandonment did strange things to people and in Megan's case it turned her into a killer. Her own father left her and refused to acknowledge her anymore after his divorce. He couldn't imagine what kind of pain that must have been for the beautiful lonely woman.

"Aaron, you couldn't have done anything." He walked over and wrapped his arms around Aaron trying to comfort him. "I somewhat know what she must have felt. It's hard to blame her for what she did. These men weren't good men leaving their children like that." Spencer moved off and sat on the end of the bed.

"Spencer. It's not the same…"

"Isn't it Aaron? A computer scrapbook is supposed to make-up for all the years he refused to acknowledge me? For the years that he could have come back. He left me with a sick mother to deal with on my own. Megan, her father had been her world and when he abandoned her like that it shattered her broke her in ways that her father will never understand." Spencer breathed deep to quell the tide of his own storm raging in his heart.

"But it doesn't mean that she should have killed these men. If she had only reached out…" There was a memory that was niggling at the back of his mind but he refused to bring it forward. A part of him just wanted to get drunk and forget.

He was sitting sprawled out on one of the beds sipping his scotch, "She asked me how Haley could leave me…" Silent tears started to slowly leak out of his eyes.

Spencer moved to sit next to his lover, "What?" He asked confusion in his voice.

"Megan, while she sat there dying she smiled sadly at me and asked me how Haley could leave me. I didn't have an answer for her. She saw me as a good man…" His voice hitched as he wiped his face with one hand.

Spencer grabbed Aaron's chin and moved his head so they were looking at each other, "You are Aaron. You are a good man, even Haley knows this. And, yes you are a good father also." Spencer anticipated what Aaron was going to say. One of the worst traits of his lover Spencer was coming to find out was self-recrimination.

Aaron frowned, "How can you say that? I don't see him as much as I should and sometimes I wonder if this job is worth it." He looked towards his lover, self-doubt showing on his face.

"Aaron you make the effort and that is what counts. You call him every night, even when we are on a case. You go see him every chance you get, that's more than what a lot of father's do. Trying is better than never seeing him at all. Jack loves you, you're his superhero." Spencer moved to straddle Aaron's lap, he took the older man's face in his hands and kissed him, softly, passionately. Aaron's fisted one hand in Spencer's hair and another was caressing his back. After a few minutes Aaron pulled Spencer away.

"I can't Spence, and it has nothing to do with you.."

"Aaron, I know, that's not what this is about." He slowly smiled as he bent his head back to gently kiss him again. "Just let me take care of you, that's all." Aaron sighed deeply, he loved the way Spencer always seemed to know what he needed, especially on cases where they ended up becoming more personal.

A short while later they were dressed in more comfortable clothing and Aaron was laying on Spencer's chest listening to the rise and fall of his breaths.

"I just wish I could figure out where I knew her from." Aaron said under his breath, not intending for Spencer to hear, but he did anyway.

"Why don't you have Garcia dig a little. Maybe you ran into her or her family when you were with the Prosecutor's office and since she came from money maybe someone in your family's social circle. Something like that."

"Maybe I will."

"What are you going to do with the chip she gave you?" Aaron had told Spencer about the sim chip that Megan had pressed into his hand as she sat there dying from the poisoned champagne.

"I'm going to release it. I'm going to honor her by being the man she saw me as." Aaron laid back down stretched out next to the young genius and took him in his arms. He was too emotionally wrought for sex and he was glad that Spencer understood. They fell asleep wrapped up in each other hoping the next day would be a better one.

* * *

><p><em>[unseen anchorman] Dallas companies were rocked today as a list was found of men who were rumored<em>

_ [unseen anchorwoman] Andrew Kane resigned amid allegations of ties to an escort who was reportedly killing her clients. Kane refused to comment but sources say he was the father_

_ [unseen anchorman] The attorney general insisted he was not responsible for the leak of the clients name's._

Spencer and Aaron were packing their go bags while watching the morning news stations airing the story of Megan Kane and how her father tried to cover up what happened.

"Are you okay Aaron?" Spencer looked at his Unit Chief with worry.

Aaron smiled sadly, "Yeah Spence, I'm okay. At least I will be." He nodded towards the screen, "This was the right thing to do. She won't completely disappear now." Aaron looked sadly at one of the news reports.

He suddenly grabbed his phone and made a call to Garcia.

"The oracle of all knowledge is in prepared to be amazed," Garcia answered playfully.

No matter where they were and no matter how bad the situation Garcia's brightness always helped put Aaron's heart at ease, even if it was just a little bit.

"Garcia, I need you to do me a favor,"

"Sure my liege, whatever you need."

"I need you to go over my old case files from when I was in the Prosecutors office. I want you to find out if I ever came across Megan Kane during my time there." Aaron got up and walked to the balcony of the room he and Spencer were sharing and closed the door, "And, if you don't find anything there, can you go back 15 to 20 years and search through the society pages as well."

"Sure, can I ask what you're looking for bossman?"

"I'm not sure Garcia, but I think I know Megan from somewhere. And Garcia,"

"Yes sir?"

"Keep this just between us for now, okay?"

"Sure, anything you need. If I find something what do you want me to do with it?"

"Print out whatever you find and leave it in my office."

"Okay, but will you tell me later?"

Aaron's face softened, he was always amazed at how much his tech analyst cared about all of them, "Sure Garcia, I'll let you know what's going on when I can." They said their goodbyes and Aaron hung-up and went back into the room only to look into the curious eyes of his boyfriend.

"You really didn't need privacy I already knew you were going to call Garcia. What was that about Aaron?" Spencer was upset that Aaron would hide something like this from him.

Aaron sighed, "Spencer, it wasn't that I needed privacy..."

"Aaron I know you came from a privileged background and truly I don't care but if you're going to insult me by hiding it just own up to it." Spencer was angry that Aaron would hide this side of his life from him. He spun around ready to walk out because he didn't want to start a fight.

Aaron pinched the bridge of his nose, he hadn't meant it to seem like an insult. Aaron grabbed Spencer's arm, "Spencer," He turned to look the older man in the eye, "I'm sorry, it was stupid of me and I've insulted you when I didn't mean to."

"You know when we were going through these men's financials you didn't even bat an eye." Spencer walked over to sit on the edge of one of the beds in the room, "You know we joke that we don't make enough money for the job we do, but really we make more than most civil servants. It's more than my mom and I saw when I was growing-up. When she couldn't teach anymore we were living on just her retirement and disability. I had to be responsible for that. It's lucky that that transferred to Bennington or else," He took a moment to get himself under control. "I don't know what I would have done. It's still takes a good chunk of my money though. When I look at these men and how they throw away so much of it, it makes me ill."

Hotch rubbed his face and sat next to Spencer. "Spence, I didn't seek privacy because of you. It's just that life, that privilege I hated it. It does terrible things to people, makes children live up to an impossible image. It's what turned my father into a monster." He took a few deep breaths because he didn't want to go down that road.

"I know, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have reacted that badly." Spencer looked at Aaron smiled a crooked smile.

"Spencer, yes money does open doors and my Grandparents made sure I was well taken care of, but it doesn't matter to me. I hope," He wasn't sure how this conversation had derailed , "Does it bother you? We've never really talked about this."

Spencer took a moment before he answered, "Yes, no, I don't know. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm contributing enough." He got up and paced trying to put into words what he wanted to say without sounding like a complete idiot, "You do so much and sometimes I feel like I don't do enough."

Aaron sighed, he knew that Reid was sometimes hyper sensitive about his finances and this case, the obscene amounts of money being thrown around by these men seems to have brought out the young man's insecurities.

Aaron put a hand on Spencer's chin and turned his face to look at him, "Spencer, you do a lot for me. Being there in our home, and yes its our home, you know how to comfort me, how to lift that blackness that sometimes seeps into our lives from the job that we do. You love Jack and you're never jealous of our time together. I couldn't ask for more than that Spencer. I understand your responsibility to your mother and what it must take. " He looked pensively at the young genius, "Do you need to talk about this when we get home Spencer?" Aaron was getting worried. He didn't think Spencer cared about the disparity in their financials, but suddenly now he was wondering if it was going to be an issue.

"Maybe, I don't know, I'm sorry Aaron, I'm just letting some of my insecurities get the better of me. Let's just forget about this for now? Please?" Spencer looked at him with worry in his eyes.

"For now, but we will need to talk about it because I don't ever want you to feel insecure about anything between us, okay?" He reached over and placed a kiss Reid's lips.

Spencer smiled, "Okay."

* * *

><p>Four hours later the team was landing and making their way into the office. Aaron immediately went to his desk and saw the papers that Garcia had left for him. It was a case file, some minor morals charges, it seemed. When he looked at the photos he saw a skinny teenaged Megan Kane and it all came back to him now.<p>

He had visited her in jail and she tried to make a move on him. He smiled sadly at the picture of the pretty teen and how he had gently declined the offer. She had gone to jail, but it was for a short time and he wondered if she even served it. He looked the file over and saw that she did spend 30 days, but was then released. It was a bullshit charge anyway, but he was a young eager prosecutor trying to make his mark. He wondered what happened to have twisted that wide-eyed not quite innocent teenager into the killer who's hand he held as she sat there dying. Aaron lifted his hand to his face and found that he was crying. It wasn't often that an unsub garnered any kind of sympathy, but Megan had somehow wormed her way in. He didn't think that he'd ever forget her and knew he did the right thing by releasing the information from the sim chip and he knew that he'd never let her disappear, at least not to him anyway.

Several days later he had Garcia find out where she was buried. Her father had her cremated and her ashes were interred at Grove Hill Funeral Home and Memorial Park. He called a local flower shop and put in a standing order that every other month a small bouquet of amaryllis flowers be delivered. The flower means _worth beyond beauty. _Megan was worth more than what she had let herself become and Aaron was determined that nobody forgot that, even if all he could do was send some flowers to her resting place.


End file.
